Jeremy was vexed. You could tell that everything was not good with Jeremy’s world from the way he was staring at the screen. The more observant among you would also have noticed the stain on the wall with streaks of brown liquid dripping slowly down to the collection of coffee mug shrapnel on the floor. It would be safe to say that this was not Jeremy’s finest hour. His finest hour was the one where he completed three Sudoku puzzles and an online game of Scrabble against the computer.
Yes, Stealthvape is expanding. No, this isn’t a reference to the side effects of a festive period full of sumptuous banquets and an excess of alcohol. We have identified the need for expansion in order to maximise our place in the market during 2016 and this means the creation of many new roles and departments. It’s a dog eat dog world and we aim to be top pooch, frotting ourselves on the leg of Big Tobacco.
Almost five times a week, an aspiring Youtuber demonstrates their grasp of Stealthvape by asking us for our entire eliquid range for free. The thing we pride ourselves on is our ability to meet all requests (no matter how bizarre), but not being able to fulfil these perfectly reasonable enquiries has upset us. We have nothing since the children demolished the OJ and Emma drank all of the grapefruit.
Clare sat fixated by the gigantic slab of television stuck to the wall. They used to own one that didn’t make the family feel they were sitting in the front row of the Odeon. But what’s the point in that, Jim had said, when they could own something that stretched credulity as much as their credit card - the electronic Gorgon transforming all who viewed it into statues. It was fitting that she was watching something suitably ridiculous as she vaped.
2015 was a year of 52 weeks and (despite the looming impact of the Tobacco Products Directive in May) 2016 is shaping up to be just the same. Except that it will have one more day, leading experts to predict that 2016 will be nothing like the preceding year for vapers.
It’s 2016 and you probably have a whole host of resolutions: You may have decided that this is the year you are going to attempt that thing you were told was anatomically impossible? Maybe you thought it would be the ideal time to learn how to catch a bullet in your teeth? Or maybe you reckoned it was high time you tried to blag more free stuff by starting a Youtube review channel?
2015 has been an incredible year for vapers, vape companies and the manufacturers of umbrellas. Ecig articles were everywhere and only the word terrorist has appeared more frequently in newspapers. Probably. Over the last day and a half we were inundated by three requests demanding we compile a list of what we considered to be the best things in vaping this year. Always willing to bend to the whims of our customers (unless it is a request for stainless wire) we are delighted to announce The Stealthvape Awards 2015.
“Fire in the belly, that’s what you need,” shouted a red-faced man. “You won’t get anything from a sale if you don’t have fire in the belly!” He seemed pretty convinced by it. The rest of the national sales conference seemed to agree. The throng of identically suited men in attendance all raised themselves up and applauded. I sat still; remaining convinced they were applauding his ability to complete a rant without suffering from a heart attack. It struck me that adding a loud noise into the equation might be just the tipping point his corpulent (and unsettlingly moist) body didn’t need.
It’s probably no secret now that the vaping world is set to change dramatically in the UK. If this comes as news to you then I ought to point out that WWII ended successfully, Coventry have won an FA Cup and I’d try to avoid discovering how much petrol costs per gallon. Yes, vaping is soon to be not as we knew it.
They say you should never go back, they say that. They say that about many things. They say it because they believe you only remember the best aspects about whatever it was and have forgotten the aspects that drove you up the wall. They are probably well meaning.