Boom boom boom boom goes the music. The camera scans back from the doorway to the Vicarage. Who’s this coming into view? Why it’s the alcoholic who knocked on our door at four in the morning asking for food and money. And what’s he doing? He’s dancing that’s what. He’s dancing because he’s discovered how awesome Stealthvape’s Vape Insurance is.
They’re everywhere: in your shops, on your public transport and all over social media. And, what makes it worse, they all hold ridiculous opinions about vaping. “Eeeeee, my mate’s husband’s step-sister spilt some of that nicotine liquid on her toe and it burnt it all off,” they say.
January. Christmas has gone, the credit card bill arrives and it’s still dark on the way to and from work. Nothing could be more miserable than this time of year. So, phone up the credit card company and get your limit extended to barely repayable levels because Stealthvape Tours and Travel wants to whisk you away from all of this.
While this week’s articles were being compiled, consideration was given to how the immediate environment could be improved. But then the notion that Hull is 2017’s UK City of Culture came crashing into my consciousness. I wasn’t thinking about Hull, I try to as little as possible, but there it is. Makes sense I guess, seeing as the UK is hosting the International Festival of Road Works and everybody wins prizes at primary school sports day.
It is often said that in the land of the academically challenged the man with the online survey is king. By “often” we mean “never”, and by “said” we mean “something we just made up, so not said at all”. Which is why we have embarked on a quest to see if there are any research studies comparable to those floating around the vaping community. We have been successful.
It’s not unusual for us to return to the office after the Xmas holiday to discover empty cases of champagne, three vol-au-vents in the photocopier and an inbox full of demands. Ignoring the three people who forgot everybody wasn’t at work, all of the other emails wanted to know what we thought about their year ahead.
Welcome back, everyone. We hope you had an absolutely fabulous time and wish you the very best for the year ahead. And now it’s time for us all to promise to give ourselves over to 2017’s Oscar Goldman: “We can rebuild him. We have the technology. We can make him better than he was. Better, stronger, faster.”
Yes, as we said before Xmas, it’s been a cracking year. Unless you were famous in the 60s, 70s or 80s for singing. Or you were famous in the 60s, 70s or 80s for playing in the band. Or starred in a much-loved film. Or were the voice for the nation on Radio 2. Or wrote brilliant books. Or did magic. Or comedy. Or played football like a god. Or punched people well. Or were a Man from UNCLE. Or were Father Jack. Apart from those (and hundreds of other examples), it was a cracking year.
How are you feeling? Has the bloated sense that your stomach is set to explode lessened? Have the psychopathic urges to kill everybody entering your home subsided? Do you manage to avoid sending a close relation to the other side of the planet? In short, was it a good Christmas?
It’s been a cracking year, we hope you’ve enjoyed it. Obviously we aren’t referring to that thing we all voted on because it seems like nobody’s happy with that. Or the catalogue of much-loved celebrities who’ve been ripped from us. Or the diabolical weather, traffic gridlock, price rises and Britain’s Not Got Talent. Aside from those, and almost everything else, it’s been a cracking year.