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“Dear Stealthvape,” begins most letters we receive, “you are so awesome and stuff but I wonder if you can help me?” Pretty much all of these emails (not requesting used pants) are focussed on the vexing issues regarding vape and travel. So, instead of sending multiple answers we thought we’d tie them all up in one handy to print and use article.
As a leading commentator on the politics involved in electronic cigarettes, we can confirm a national ban is incoming regardless of the outcome of the European elections. In fact, the Health Secretary has only just got off the phone and told us that E-cigarettes would be completely banned in 2017.
Choosing to get on the ecig means doing the research, finding out how safe it is and then balancing the risks. We would like to congratulate Rip Trippers in being brave enough to run the gauntlet of online dissatisfaction. The only problem we can identify is that Rip only touched upon the tip of the iceberg that we, as responsible people, feel it is important for all would-be vapers to be aware of.
Doves are lovely. Pigeons aren’t; they’re the unacceptable face of the family much like Justin is to the Biebers. And dovecotes are lovely. We had this massive one in the village, in the middle of the fields where we’d play every summer. A dovecote that is, not a giant dove. The entire world would have heard of where I grew up if it had possessed a colossus Columbidae. But it hasn’t because we didn’t. It was the dovecot.
The impact of the Tobacco Products Directive legislation is finally starting to hit home. Vapers are talking about it, businesses are writing about it but it’s only here that you will find a solution to it. You read that correctly, we have the solutions to future-proof your vaping.
“Look at that,” said the voice belonging to the finger pointing at the screen. “Look at them all filing out,” it continued in admiration. Bob didn’t like football. Bob would rather spend four and a half hours suffering a trip into town clothes shopping with his wife rather than watch a match, but he did like a good protest. Yep, he would rather go clothes shopping then return home to be made to suffer celebrity chefs cooking up food he never had for tea than follow any kind of sport.
We at The National Union of Apathetic Vapers would like to extend our gratitude to Stealthvape for allowing us to have this platform to introduce ourselves. Many of you will have experience of standing on platforms, feeling all isolated and wondering if that thing you were expecting will ever arrive. So here it is: The NUAV is arriving far too late, promises you an unimpressive journey and guarantees that our prices will rise faster than inflation. It’s trains; we’re making ourselves seem like trains. Oh sod it.
Jeremy was vexed. You could tell that everything was not good with Jeremy’s world from the way he was staring at the screen. The more observant among you would also have noticed the stain on the wall with streaks of brown liquid dripping slowly down to the collection of coffee mug shrapnel on the floor. It would be safe to say that this was not Jeremy’s finest hour. His finest hour was the one where he completed three Sudoku puzzles and an online game of Scrabble against the computer.
Yes, Stealthvape is expanding. No, this isn’t a reference to the side effects of a festive period full of sumptuous banquets and an excess of alcohol. We have identified the need for expansion in order to maximise our place in the market during 2016 and this means the creation of many new roles and departments. It’s a dog eat dog world and we aim to be top pooch, frotting ourselves on the leg of Big Tobacco.
Almost five times a week, an aspiring Youtuber demonstrates their grasp of Stealthvape by asking us for our entire eliquid range for free. The thing we pride ourselves on is our ability to meet all requests (no matter how bizarre), but not being able to fulfil these perfectly reasonable enquiries has upset us. We have nothing since the children demolished the OJ and Emma drank all of the grapefruit.