Incredible Results

It is commonplace to see vaping being described as a gateway, and we read at least three studies a week where the toxins in vaping are apparently killing all of our children and turning male freshwater fish into females (and female freshwater fish into males). Apparently, someone that Martin McKee once met on holiday stepped into a river while vaping and became a freshwater fish. Martin McKee was very excited.

We have uncovered research that was paid for by the League of Leather Footwear Manufacturers. Many of you will probably not know this, but Big Leather has been waging a corporate war against Big Plastic and Big Manmadefibre for decades.

Leather shoe manufacturers believe they have the moral right to provide shoes for the discerning gentleman and thigh-length boots for the perverted discerning gentleman. The preface of their study contends that plastic and rubber shoes may only be sold as safe alternatives to leather footwear in the advent that safety licenses have been obtained and the wearers are warned never to don the footwear in public.

“We have discovered a clear gateway effect leading buyers from a civilized life to abject debauchery,†said Jane Footinmouthdisease, the study’s lead author. “It all begins with the purchase of a pair of Wellington boots.â€

“This study demonstrates that Wellies are a clear gateway to terrible shoes, such as Crocs. Despite all of the warnings we give out, celebrities promote this deviant lifestyle and renormalise bad footwear. We hope that the government now see fit to do something and act.â€

“But there’s more,†Footinmouthdisease continues, indicating there’s more by pointing at it in the study. “Have you seen the colourings they add to their boot products? They aren’t natural. We aren’t saying there’s a clear link between the additives and foot disease, but I’m mentioning it here so that you print it and it is carried into the public consciousness.â€

The League of Leather Footwear Manufacturers’ report goes on to detail incidents of how, following the purchase of cheap Wellington boots, the owners were compelled to buy pairs of Le Chameau Chasseurnord Wellingtons (£245) because of peer pressure. Such boots are already a proven gateway to green quilted jacket and gun dog ownership.

In the face of such overwhelming evidence it is clear that politicians must act now. We are joining the League of Leather Footwear Manufacturers in calling for a strict Over-65-yrs purchase policy for Wellington boots and an immediate ban on wearing Crocs in public areas.

Next week we will look at how research demonstrates that the ageing £1 Brum ride outside shopping centres is a gateway to joy riding. Also, the free fruit for children in Tesco is a proven gateway to scrumping, which is a proven gateway to alcoholism.