“What are your plans, Stealthvape? How are you preparing for life in the apocalyptic 2017 TPD landscape?” Questions like this have cropped up with such a lack of frequency that it seemed like just the sort of thing we should address. So, as long as everybody promises not to nick our ideas here’s what is in the pipeline.
Ever since vaping was laughably lumped in with tobacco products we’ve been the butt of every crank with an axe to grind. Nicotine is the evil, according to Martin McKee (Mary Whitehouse impersonator) and Mark Drakeford (Spit the Dog impressionist). Nicotine, they contend, comes from tobacco leaves and is therefore going to drag innocent children from playground and thrust them into smoking shelters.
What we need, we reason, is an alternative to vaping just in case the going gets really tough. What we all need, we concluded, is to sell you a range of new and enjoyable to use products. We looked at a couple of pictures of McKee & Drakeford until we started to feel queasy. We asked ourselves, “What kind of nicotine products could we sell that these two portly gentlemen wouldn’t get into a sweaty wobble about?”
The answer was obvious: nicotine foods. The porcine pair of public health plonkers clearly adore eating between meals, there’s no way they can object.
For the recent ex-smoker or current users of high-nic liquids: Stealthmoussaka. It comes loaded with scrummy aubergine, a veggie that packs 100 nanograms of nicotine into every gram.
And what about those stepping their nic intake down a bit; those aiming at using nothing but nic-free foods in the future and hoping to become food free by a target date? Stealthbolognese will become the substitute of many. While the rich tomato puree doesn’t hold the kick of aubergine, you’ll still be able to get a great fix from the 52 nanograms per gram of nicotine.
Going down another step in nic, but not in taste, the great chefs at Stealthvape Towers have concocted our amazingly delicious Stealthcauliflowercheese. 16.8 scrumptious nanograms of nicotine with every gram of cauliflower makes this a great all-day vape replacement.
And finally, the potato range for those who enjoy impressing people by playing with their food, need to top up nicotine between meals or like to continually eat. Select either Stealthchips and Stealthcrisps, or use both at the same time – we don’t care, we’re not going to judge you if you want to refuel like Martin McKee.
*Stealthfood (especially Stealthchips and Stealthcrisps) is highly addictive – keep it out of reach of children and pets at all times.
*As with all nicotine products, take care to flush eyes or skin immediately with water should they come into contact with Stealthfoods. Seek full medical attention immediately in case of an accident, or if you feel unwell after eating Stealthfood.
*Stealthfood is for informed adults only. As a responsible vendor we will decline any purchase requests from people under 18 years old.
We must point out that we are an independent manufacturer/retailer and do not work for Big Potato or Big Eggplant. All Stealthfood products are designed to be digested, not inhaled in any form. We take no responsibility for misuse of Stealthfood products.