Itâ€™s festive but done properly, just like in the good old days when you could say the word â€œChristmasâ€, families bonded over power cuts and all the children had rickets. Itâ€™s all brought to you by Stealthvape Television, the only subscription channel based in and available to Cantelupe Road in Bexhill on Sea.
If you arenâ€™t already a customer of SVTV then the Christmas edition of the SVTVR&TVT is bound to wet your whistle â€“ quality programming not seen since Love Thy Neighbour and Robinâ€™s Nest were on ITV.
9am: Nobody normal is up yet so weâ€™re sticking on Noel Edmonds for two hours. Heâ€™s dead cheap now because no other channel will touch him. We told him a mod and atty can cure smoking-related cancer and he signed immediately. No idea what heâ€™s doing, we told him to make it juicy.
11am: Early Morning Service. People who donâ€™t believe in religion will be cramming into a Bexhill church to praise the Lord for vaping and to get their faces on television.
12pm: Kylieâ€™s Crackers. The real Kylie may be on Sky but weâ€™ve got Kylie Jenkins from CostCo coming in to show us how to pull a cracker at Christmas using nothing but charm and a lot of Bacardi Breezers.
1pm: The Queen. Thatâ€™s correct, you read it. Weâ€™ve got The Queen a full two hours before sheâ€™s on BBC1 doing a warm-up set for us. Liz will be taking you through the steps to make a Clapton coil while regaling us with witty anecdotes about Phil.
1:30pm: Bond at Christmas. Everybody loves a good Bond film on Christmas Day, so weâ€™ve made one with simpering royal correspondent Jennie Bond. She is an evil boss bent on taking over the world with a gigantic vape machine. Or something. To be honest thereâ€™s a lot of improvisation because we ran out of ideas as the sherry consumption went up.
Later: Strongmen are doing something with lorries, there are some cartoons and another couple of films we got from Pirate Bay. Seriously, who cares? Everybodyâ€™s drunk now.