In the running to lift the coveted “The Best Ever Worst Ecig Article in the History of Ever” award, journalists and would-be keyboard thumpers have been clambering over themselves to spout nonsense. Although disappointed not to have had at least one of the regular Stealthvape ones nominated, we felt magnanimous enough to applaud the overall winner.
“Bad News for People Using E-Cigs,” runs the headline penned by the mighty Frank Milhorn. What do you mean you’ve never heard of Frank? It’s Frank bloody Milhorn, author of such giants in the literary world as “Signs of recovery in the bingo market”, “The annual shed of the year competition”, and “Ghosts are swimming in water”. See? We knew you had heard of Frank.
Frank knows everything, and if he says there’s bad news for ecig users then you can be certain he’s correct, he never makes a mistake. He begins: “It has been reported that E-Cigarettes, commonly called Vapers…” Oh. Never mind, everybody can make a mistake, let’s continue.
“It has been reported that E-Cigarettes, commonly called Vapers, actually contain more cancer causing substances than traditional cigarettes, including increased levels of carbon monoxide and various other chemicals which are unstable organic compounds.”
Hmm. This doesn’t run true, Frank. Are you sure? Increased levels of carbon monoxide – coming from a product that isn’t combusting? Maybe things will pick up in the second sentence.
“It is also revealed that these vaping devices can contain over 80% more nicotine than a traditional cigarette, meaning you are taking in far more of the poisonous chemical every time you puff.”
Frank, Frank, Frank. Maybe it was the Californian equivalent of a boozy Bank Holiday, maybe you started writing your article shortly after suffering a major head trauma, but you’ve cornered the market in some funky alternative facts here.
“E-Cigs use nicotine laced liquid, which creates a vapour which contains the same kind of chemicals a normal cigarette does.”
Hold on there, the same kind of chemicals? I thought you’d just said there were more chemicals? It’s hard to keep up because you’re flying through this so quickly (what with you being the expert). Can you explain clearly what the main problem might be?
“There is an argument saying that people will ‘smoke’ more using these devices, for unlike the traditional cigarette, where you smoke it down, and you have a visual that stimulates the brain letting it know you’ve had a cigarette, these don’t shrink in size, and many people are using them as a type of pacifier.”
That’s handy to know, and gives us a great idea for a new Stealthvape vaping product: the Stealthvape shrinking mod that gets small the longer you use it; it’ll be a surefire winner, everybody will want one. Well, they will as long as they haven’t read Frank’s article and been convinced by the power of his words.
“Though we know that smoking is bad for you, it is said by experts that these electronic cigarettes will never be as safe as smoking a conventional cigarette. If you are one of the many people who have been considering giving up smoking and have considered using an e-cig as the way to help wean you off your smoking addiction, then maybe it is time for you to think again!”
We salute you, Frank – you have managed to construct the single worst piece of writing on the subject of vaping we’ve ever seen. His work can be read on the Democrat Gazette in all its glory, if you’d like to leave a complementary message.