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Buses, revolutionary teaching techniques, a sale at a major retail chain – miss one and there’ll be another along in a short while. Didn’t manage to grab that socket set from Halfords when it was half-price? Don’t worry it’ll be on special offer again next week, such is the tedious predictability of life. Missed out on your chance to express your opinion by marking an X in a box? If you haven’t noticed it, there’s another election coming up. Hooray.
Here follows an appeal on behalf of the Stealthvape Benevolent Dictator Party.
The problem with modern politics, it seems, is that the major parties all seem to be in it for themselves. This isn’t the problem, it’s that they pretend to have your best interests at heart. This isn’t the case for the Stealthvape Benevolent Dictator Party, we think that it’s in your best interests that we don’t pretend to care about your best interests. While this may seem harsh, stick with it as you’ll probably discover that our selfish interests coincide with yours.
Firstly, let’s be very clear, it’s the Stealthvape Benevolent Dictator Party’s ambition to do away with government, turn the Houses of Parliament into a 24hr car park and set up a base of operations in a flat above Greggs in Hull instead. This restructuring will speed up decision making, make the law making process more open and generate huge savings to the public purse.
These savings can be passed on to you, the taxpayer: each MP currently earns £74,000. On top of that they can earn a supplementary salary of between £15,025 and £74,990 depending how they spend their day in parliament. Plus they all get extensive allowances and expenses for kitting out second homes, employing someone to have an affair with and go on fact-finding tours of expensive holiday destinations. Voting for the Stealthvape Benevolent Dictator Party could put well over £100-million back into your pockets. Literally. We think it will be easier to do a draw on TV rather than go about rejigging tax laws. We’ll get that Tucker Jenkins from Eastenders to do it, you don’t see him about much these days so that’s one extra job created.
Modern party politics has a number of fundamental flaws: Firstly, they don’t relate to real people or what they go through. Only last week, the Stealthvape Benevolent Dictator Party secretary struggled to source our usual supply of caviar and this made us think of you poor people being unable to find any houmous. The Stealthvape Benevolent Dictator Party stands shoulder to shoulder with you in your suffering – or we would if you were in our banqueting suite also enjoying some roast swan.
Secondly, none of the other parties appreciate what it means to be a party – we do. If a political party doesn’t mean cake, jelly and ice cream in the minds of the public then it’s not surprising they garner few votes. The first law of the new Benevolent Dictator authority will be to instruct supermarkets to make party food free on the last Friday of every month.
Also, we are aware of the current issues that matter. For example, did you know that home taping is killing music? The country needs protecting from Ed Sheeran so we will be sending C90 cassettes out to every household.
What about health? NHS cutbacks have meant that hospitals can no longer afford expensive stitching due to the constraints on time. They now rely on unqualified assistants to gift-wrap patients. It’s a shocking state of affairs and one that we will stop immediately. We will cut a special price on silica wick for the NHS to use instead.
In place of bans on vaping in public places we’ll have a ban on the use of beginning sentences with “I’m sorry, but…” and “I know, but I was just…”. Instantly, this will solve the problems of people not doing what you’ve asked them to do. Teenagers – we’re looking at you here.
Most importantly, the thing that will matter to practically everybody the most, we promise no more elections or votes ever. That has to be worth voting for.