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Apparently it is now considered traditional for half of Birmingham to resemble the part of Frankfurt that isn’t the international airport. We thought it might be good to have a twist on that so we have decided to roll out The Stealthvape Festive British Market to any city centre prepared to have us.
It is obvious that there’s something special about these places, where else would someone pay over ten pounds for a lump of chocolate shaped like a piece of pipe fitting? We aim to guarantee traditional festive fun and products are more affordable prices – no more weekly shopping bill on some (not very traditional) out of season strawberries on a stick.
What can you all expect from The Stealthvape Festive British Market? Fun. Fun with a capital letter. Big fat entertainment fun featuring a bloke who got kicked off 2009’s Britain’s Got Talent in the first week. Then, just as you think it can’t get any better, there’s that woman who used to be in an all-girl band in 1996 that got to 52 in the charts. Pretty amazing stuff, yeh? It doesn’t end there as we welcome an Elvis impersonator, always popular with the hip young people who know where it’s at. Finally, we close off the night’s enjoyment with a carol sing-along to the accompaniment of Graham, the alcoholic one-armed church organist.
Of course, all of this excitement is going to build up a mighty appetite. Our culinary area focuses on all that is brilliant about British food: kebabs, curry, burgers, hot dogs, jacket potato, cheesy chips, and pie-peas and gravy. That doesn’t sound very festive, you might say? Well worry not, we’ve got that covered as we’re getting into the spirit of it by adding ‘worst’ to the end of each word. So, roll up and get your traditional kebabworst or snack down on some spectacular cheesychipworsts. Nothing says Stealthvape being totally British and totally December in a cold market than a plate of jacket potatoworst.
Have we forgotten about drink? Not a hope. Super strength lager might be consumed throughout the year but it’s during the cold months that drinkers appreciate its warming properties. At The Stealthvape Festive British Market, you can buy super strength lager in extra large tins. There is also the full range of artificially coloured alcopops and shelves groaning under the weight of pints of Baileys. What we really recommend though is a massive mug of winter Gluetteawein – it’s a traditional mug of warming winter tea combined with the great taste of Buckfast tonic wine and glue.
The only thing left to take care of is shopping for present for those you hold dear. Our crafts area caters to all desires. What self-respecting Brit doesn’t dream of getting involved with a Health & Safety gone mad claims-culture lawsuit? Give them a bag of our chocolate-covered wire clippings. And why buy an expensive wooden toy when every passport-carrying member of these isles loves to DIY. Johnny Foreigner might think you’re carrying a bag of fire kindling, but we know it’s a dollhouse or racing car. Kiss Me Quick hats with the word Santa added in Tippex? Snow globes built down to a price using condoms and ice cubes? You can find the lot at the totally traditional Stealthvape Festive British Market. *Products may be made in China