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While this week’s articles were being compiled, consideration was given to how the immediate environment could be improved. But then the notion that Hull is 2017’s UK City of Culture came crashing into my consciousness. I wasn’t thinking about Hull, I try to as little as possible, but there it is. Makes sense I guess, seeing as the UK is hosting the International Festival of Road Works and everybody wins prizes at primary school sports day.
I was trying to think about what would be the ultimate vape accessory but then I was overcome by the knowledge that pest killers have been taken from us and replaced with censored, emasculated versions of death. You used to be able to buy “Liberator” and “Crush”, you could splash “Stamp” and “Gravestone” about liberally. But no more, thanks to bleeding hearts worrying about us poisoning everything in the food chain. My Granddad had grated lead on his cornflakes and he was fine his entire life – right up to the bit where he died in the war at nineteen.
Now, you can no longer kill household pests, you have to ask them to sit on the naughty outdoor step with “Ant Please Don’t”. Cockroaches can no longer be loaded with poison or crushed, they have to be soothed with a bowl of “Fluffy Timeout”. Pest control products, like the whole of society, have gone soft.
There was a time that I used to go into my Granddad’s shed (the living one, not the dead in the war one) and marvel at the tins and tubs of highly poisonous stuff. I’m not sure what his hobby was but it must have had something to do with a desire to kill small children (and who amongst us hasn’t harboured that once in a while?).
Then it struck me – isn’t this what the ultimate vape accessory should be? We are being told week in week out that vaping is ridiculously dangerous. Articles describe how e-liquids melt the faces off puppies and the special vape lithium-ion batteries are being used to explode cats’ bottoms.
Sheds of vape products. Sheds for vapes and vaping. Vape sheds.
Little children can wander into these dens of disaster, poke a bottle or a metal tube and live the rest of their lives marvelling at how they didn’t die. And, in fifty years time, write articles about how when they were kids it was like the Wild West, but nowadays everything is so sanitised.
Vape sheds are what we need, all of us. But not any old shed. Because they are vape sheds there will be cost implications. A Li-ion cell may be a Li-ion cell, but when it becomes an ecig Li-ion cell it takes on magical properties (which makes it more dangerous and more expensive).
Vape sheds will be boutique sheds, imbued with intrinsic value vape sheds. This means expensive. They will have an aura, and that aura is “Keep Out”. And that’s just the kind of quiet shed I want.