Welcome back, everyone. We hope you had an absolutely fabulous time and wish you the very best for the year ahead. And now it’s time for us all to promise to give ourselves over to 2017’s Oscar Goldman: “We can rebuild him. We have the technology. We can make him better than he was. Better, stronger, faster.”
Yes, as we said before Xmas, it’s been a cracking year. Unless you were famous in the 60s, 70s or 80s for singing. Or you were famous in the 60s, 70s or 80s for playing in the band. Or starred in a much-loved film. Or were the voice for the nation on Radio 2. Or wrote brilliant books. Or did magic. Or comedy. Or played football like a god. Or punched people well. Or were a Man from UNCLE. Or were Father Jack. Apart from those (and hundreds of other examples), it was a cracking year.
How are you feeling? Has the bloated sense that your stomach is set to explode lessened? Have the psychopathic urges to kill everybody entering your home subsided? Do you manage to avoid sending a close relation to the other side of the planet? In short, was it a good Christmas?
It’s been a cracking year, we hope you’ve enjoyed it. Obviously we aren’t referring to that thing we all voted on because it seems like nobody’s happy with that. Or the catalogue of much-loved celebrities who’ve been ripped from us. Or the diabolical weather, traffic gridlock, price rises and Britain’s Not Got Talent. Aside from those, and almost everything else, it’s been a cracking year.
Like 2015 before it, and the predictions for 2017, 2016 was another year of 52 weeks. Three hundred and sixty-five days of non-stop searing vape action – but how did it compare to our annual predictions? Good question, let’s find out…
It’s the highlight of every holiday season. It is the thing old age pensioners cling to and young fresh faces joyfully gawk at. Nobody buys it all year round – but come Christmas [formally known as the winter seasonal holiday] newsagents stock up on copies of the Stealthvape TV Radio Times.
As inevitable as woman with a crown talking on the television after Xmas turkey, Santa is coming for you bearing gifts of a vape variety. Of course, logic says that we should be clearing stuff on the stand to make room. Logic says we can only use so many devices at one moment in time. But when did common sense enter into it?
It seems dreadfully unfair that we, as vapers, do not get the benefits that many of our friends receive. Especially those friends who we’ve never met and have become connected to us by some tenuous social media link. We think this should be changed.
It's that time of year where every vaper wonders if they've been a good girl or boy or non-binary individual. Like, that time when someone took up two parking bays with a display of sublime ineptitude and you shouted rude things - like that doesn't count, right? And surely Vape Santa can appreciate the cleverness of sarcasm when used to feign interest in a sport you see no point in?
It has been brought to our attention that some of our customers hold faiths that prohibit the use or consumption of certain animal by-products. Likewise, we have discovered the existence of non-religious types of people who generally don’t like or object to the presence of animal by-products in things like Chicken Curry or shoes. This is a message for all of our customers (to show we care).