It’s been a cracking year, we hope you’ve enjoyed it. Obviously we aren’t referring to that thing we all voted on because it seems like nobody’s happy with that. Or the catalogue of much-loved celebrities who’ve been ripped from us. Or the diabolical weather, traffic gridlock, price rises and Britain’s Not Got Talent. Aside from those, and almost everything else, it’s been a cracking year.
Like 2015 before it, and the predictions for 2017, 2016 was another year of 52 weeks. Three hundred and sixty-five days of non-stop searing vape action – but how did it compare to our annual predictions? Good question, let’s find out…
It’s the highlight of every holiday season. It is the thing old age pensioners cling to and young fresh faces joyfully gawk at. Nobody buys it all year round – but come Christmas [formally known as the winter seasonal holiday] newsagents stock up on copies of the Stealthvape TV Radio Times.
As inevitable as woman with a crown talking on the television after Xmas turkey, Santa is coming for you bearing gifts of a vape variety. Of course, logic says that we should be clearing stuff on the stand to make room. Logic says we can only use so many devices at one moment in time. But when did common sense enter into it?
It seems dreadfully unfair that we, as vapers, do not get the benefits that many of our friends receive. Especially those friends who we’ve never met and have become connected to us by some tenuous social media link. We think this should be changed.
It's that time of year where every vaper wonders if they've been a good girl or boy or non-binary individual. Like, that time when someone took up two parking bays with a display of sublime ineptitude and you shouted rude things - like that doesn't count, right? And surely Vape Santa can appreciate the cleverness of sarcasm when used to feign interest in a sport you see no point in?
It has been brought to our attention that some of our customers hold faiths that prohibit the use or consumption of certain animal by-products. Likewise, we have discovered the existence of non-religious types of people who generally don’t like or object to the presence of animal by-products in things like Chicken Curry or shoes. This is a message for all of our customers (to show we care).
Apparently it is now considered traditional for half of Birmingham to resemble the part of Frankfurt that isn’t the international airport. We thought it might be good to have a twist on that so we have decided to roll out The Stealthvape Festive British Market to any city centre prepared to have us.
It’s that time of year where the wrong type of leaves can prevent public transport from completing its allotted mission. Instead of getting home to screaming children and upset spouses, commuters are cast onto cold platforms to wait, and watch shapes escaping from their mouths into the chilled air.
We’ve smashed the last nail into the wooden boards, the barbed wire is in place and the metal sheeting looks like it might last. Forgive us if we vanish for 48hours, but it gets scary out there this time of year. Hide the children in cupboards, turn all the lights off – all of us just might make it through to Monday in one piece.