It’s been a cracking year, we hope you’ve enjoyed it. Obviously we aren’t referring to that thing we all voted on because it seems like nobody’s happy with that. Or the catalogue of much-loved celebrities who’ve been ripped from us. Or the diabolical weather, traffic gridlock, price rises and Britain’s Not Got Talent. Aside from those, and almost everything else, it’s been a cracking year.
Stealthvape’s new Ladybits eliquid featured in an early January tale about anger and a vaper’s inability to be social on social media. It was part of a range we thought the world was shouting out for, because some bedroom brewers don’t seem to be able to care how vaping is perceived. Obviously, we never sold any Stealthvape Junior Juice eliquids to underage vapers. We gave it away at baby showers. Or did we? (We didn’t). Or didn’t we?
We formed the The National Union of Apathetic Vapers in February. Well, we would have done but there was little interest and we couldn’t be bothered. Which automatically made us all life members. It couldn’t last. As the inevitability of the impending TPD rose up, we cast our collective hive mind to hope and future-proofed vaping. Given the rise of Trump the ideas all seem a bit prescient now.
As the month wore on, we warned vapers about the unexplained dangers of vaping. One minute you’re happily engrossed in coil winding, the next you are arriving at casualty clutching scorched thighs. It’s a simple step from patiently working to in-patient, which is why we then explored E-cig Ban. We spoke to Professor Simon Cashback and Timothy Frothingatthemouth when nobody else would. We spoke to Martin McPies when nobody else wanted to.
It was a natural progression to explore vaping on the go. So we did. Not for the first time, we thought the unthinkable to provide the solutions other lesser folk would consider unworkable.
It’s the knack we have for getting under the skin of the previously unconsidered that stands us in front of others in the queue for life’s bathroom. It’s a product of travelling the B-roads of the mind that convinced people to consult us with their problems in Auntie Stealthvape Replies. *On the advice of our lawyer, we would like to point out that we did not encourage Mr Foxy Knickers to do the thing he was sent down for.
This is the same person who gave us legal advise after we uncovered the secret choreographed script for the forthcoming Commons ecig debate. No matter what Mr Peter Xenophobe claims in the Evening Telegraph, the judge found in our favour (and we’re still waiting for 73 of the 2,000 rubber duckies we were awarded).
There may be no “I” in Team but there is “Vagina Temp”, “Mega Van Pit” and “Anti Amp Veg” in Team Vaping. This is why we opened up The Stealthvape Corporate Fun Team-Building Activity Centre, on the edge of the delightful Thurrock Business Park.
Visionaries? Us? Of course, we absolutely agree with you – after all, who else would have created Stealthvapeonburyexpotacular? We knew that the vape scene was now very ‘scene’ with all the hiphopsters and beardymen. So we contracted the very best musical acts. People marveled at the giant sounds of Little David, Jerry Wallace playing every single one of his big hit and nobody played a mean polka quite like Whoopee John.
Barely a quarter of 2016 completed, we had accomplished so much. We created a much fairer system for online vape competitions. Unfortunately, despite being stunningly fair, it transpired that everyone entering wasn’t up to the task so no one won.
Then we invented a motivational program for people looking to quit – creating original products into the bargain. First up, The Stealthvape VapeMate Safe. It’s like a normal safe but six times better. Then, the revolutionary Stealthvape Vapemate Nonvapecig. It looks like a mod and atomiser, it has a colourful liquid in the tank, but press the button and nothing happens. People call us geniuses and we’d struggle to argue with them.
But then came the all-things-to-all-people Stealthvape Vaping Vapebox For Vapers ™. A product so stunning that people were lost for words – and when they found those words it was too late because we’d gone off for chips. Chips for days, like you find in the awesome tricky box.
We mourned Mark Drakeford’s passing in May, and gave Wales a whole bunch of ideas of things they could crack down on instead of vape. So popular was our idea that car indicators should be replaced with cuddly Charlotte Church dolls that it’s rumoured VTTV’s Dave Dorn has relocated to Swansea. He loves Charlotte Church that much.
A tale was told about a man’s valiant attempts to cut down to zero nic. We didn’t mention it, due to it occurring in real time, but it failed. Our hearts go out to John. Err, Dave. Umm, no, John.
As the year’s clock struck six, we gave you all a new solution to selling online AND a free-range range of vape products. Such a fun-packed six months that there are those who demand: “Where on earth do you get all of these ideas?” Simple, we steal them from the Dark Net, it’s got something like 19 times the ideas the normal internet has. That and we don’t go out much.