Our hobbies can appear incredibly bizarre to those outside the circle. â€œFrom the serenity of casting your rod by a river bank to the joy of hooking a silvery salmon or trout, fishing is a hobby that rewards and rejuvenates,â€ claims the Silversurfers website. Angling stands as the UKâ€™s most popular pastime and is a market worth over Â£3billion a year. Now no one appreciates escaping from the family more than I do but I have no idea why someone would run away to a rain-soaked waterway to eat cold beans from a tin.
This is in no way a criticism of those of you who like to tie feathers onto a bit of metal â€“ no doubt you find the reasons I enjoy watching 22 men feigning injury near a football equally impenetrable. We used to have a pair of lodgers for who triathlons were their entire life. Forsaking beer and pizza…going without anything resembling fun in fact…they would vanish every weekend to do whatever it is that a triathlon involves. Iâ€™m still unsure of that bit as I used to feign death whenever theyâ€™d begin talking about it. Which was a lot, they had to fill in the time when theyâ€™d otherwise be having fun somehow.
But I guess Iâ€™m becoming them thanks to vaping. Thanks a bunch, vaping.
The other week found me in a local cycle store. My requirements were quite simple; I needed something to carry my bulk, aid me shedding some of it and (most importantly) it had to be black. Unlike Bradley Wiggins, I never found smoking compatible with being able to achieve any level of fitness. I found fags complimented beer and pizza far better than peddling up the Alpe Dâ€™Huez. If Iâ€™d try to cycle and smoke Iâ€™d have been a smouldering, coughing heap on the floor.
I wheeled the thing out of the shop like a kid on Christmas Day. I was going to do the eleven miles home on it but, of course, I had no idea it was eleven miles. In a car it only took a few minutes therefore it had to be damn close. â€œI would suggest you are very careful if you havenâ€™t ridden for a while,â€ advised the shopkeeper. Damn, if Mr Benn could get away with ignoring shopkeepers then Iâ€™m pretty sure I can too.
All began brilliantly. The sun was out and it was downhill to the reservoir with a flat track all the way around. The air was so crisp. You know how I know? Of course you do â€“ because I vape. The middle and the end sailed by as enjoyably as the first bit. Even if Glantz and his chums refuse to accept anecdotal evidence â€“ we know for a fact that vaping is orders of magnitude better than smoking because we experience it on a daily basis.
We walk further, breath deeper, move freer and can enjoy the benefits of exerci…hang on a minute…are you feigning death? Right, Iâ€™m off to peruse an issue of H&E.