Monthly Archives: April 2017

The SBDP


Here follows an appeal on behalf of the Stealthvape Benevolent Dictator Party.

The problem with modern politics, it seems, is that the major parties all seem to be in it for themselves. This isn’t the problem, it’s that they pretend to have your best interests at heart. This isn’t the case for the Stealthvape Benevolent Dictator Party, we think that it’s in your best interests that we don’t pretend to care about your best interests. While this may seem harsh, stick with it as you’ll probably discover that our selfish interests coincide with yours.

Firstly, let’s be very clear, it’s the Stealthvape Benevolent Dictator Party’s ambition to do away with government, turn the Houses of Parliament into a 24hr car park and set up a base of operations in a flat above Greggs in Hull instead. This restructuring will speed up decision making, make the law making process more open and generate huge savings to the public purse.

These savings can be passed on to you, the taxpayer: each MP currently earns £74,000. On top of that they can earn a supplementary salary of between £15,025 and £74,990 depending how they spend their day in parliament. Plus they all get extensive allowances and expenses for kitting out second homes, employing someone to have an affair with and go on fact-finding tours of expensive holiday destinations. Voting for the Stealthvape Benevolent Dictator Party could put well over £100-million back into your pockets. Literally. We think it will be easier to do a draw on TV rather than go about rejigging tax laws. We’ll get that Tucker Jenkins from Eastenders to do it, you don’t see him about much these days so that’s one extra job created.

Modern party politics has a number of fundamental flaws: Firstly, they don’t relate to real people or what they go through. Only last week, the Stealthvape Benevolent Dictator Party secretary struggled to source our usual supply of caviar and this made us think of you poor people being unable to find any houmous. The Stealthvape Benevolent Dictator Party stands shoulder to shoulder with you in your suffering – or we would if you were in our banqueting suite also enjoying some roast swan.

Secondly, none of the other parties appreciate what it means to be a party – we do. If a political party doesn’t mean cake, jelly and ice cream in the minds of the public then it’s not surprising they garner few votes. The first law of the new Benevolent Dictator authority will be to instruct supermarkets to make party food free on the last Friday of every month.

Also, we are aware of the current issues that matter. For example, did you know that home taping is killing music? The country needs protecting from Ed Sheeran so we will be sending C90 cassettes out to every household.

What about health? NHS cutbacks have meant that hospitals can no longer afford expensive stitching due to the constraints on time. They now rely on unqualified assistants to gift-wrap patients. It’s a shocking state of affairs and one that we will stop immediately. We will cut a special price on silica wick for the NHS to use instead.

In place of bans on vaping in public places we’ll have a ban on the use of beginning sentences with “I’m sorry, but…†and “I know, but I was just…â€. Instantly, this will solve the problems of people not doing what you’ve asked them to do. Teenagers – we’re looking at you here.

Most importantly, the thing that will matter to practically everybody the most, we promise no more elections or votes ever. That has to be worth voting for.

Ireland


Ireland spends over €240-million each year on smoking-related diseases, and €40-million on smoking quit products, programs and prevention campaigns. Anybody with half a brain might correctly believe that a product that offered both cost savings to the government and health benefits to the consumer would be a great thing. HIQA don’t think so, despite previous findings and statements.

The recent “Healthy Ireland†report revealed that the country struggles with a higher rate of smoking than the UK, 23% of the population are current smokers but only 6% of smokers have transitioned to vaping. Rather than looking at findings across the water and encouraging more smokers to adopt a harm reduction approach, HIQA are suggesting that Irish smokers should not rely on electronic cigarettes to quit.

Worse, HIQA has asked the Minister for Health to invest more money in traditional (failing) nicotine replacement therapies for the 820,000 Irish smokers while suggesting giving a wide berth to a technology that actually works. To make matters more ridiculous, HIQA previously admitted that promoting vaping to achieve the levels found in England would lead a drop of around 40% in NRT prescriptions – and therefore costs.

Our own Stealthvape Survey, conducted in September last year, revealed the kind of responses that shames those responsible for public health in Ireland. Overwhelmingly, those of you who were kind enough to take part informed us that you were long-term smokers, you’d struggled with previous methods and techniques – but it was through vaping that you found success and escaped the grip of tobacco cigarettes.

The message of efficacy comes through loud and clear to those reading the Cochrane Review or the report produced by the Royal College of Physicians. Meanwhile, as they wait to reproduce tests and studies, Ireland continues to admit 28,000 people to hospital each year for smoking-related diseases while one in five deaths are due to smoking tobacco.

Speaking for HIQA, Doctor Máirín Ryan said: “There is not enough evidence to reliably demonstrate the effectiveness of electronic cigarettes in helping smokers quit.†She then went on to speak about the benefits of Big Pharma’s Varenicline and nicotine patches. Next she began to talk about the dangers posed by vaping “renormalising†smoking and “it could lead to an increased uptake among people who have never smoked, or later migration to tobacco cigarettes.â€

Is it possible Ryan has existed in a bubble for the last three years as the boom in vape studies has taken place? Is it possible she has missed out on all the evidence disproving the existence of a gateway effect or renormalisation? At the very least, could she provide a jot of evidence to support her claim given that vaping has been a major activity for ten years.

Even the Irish Cancer Society said: “There is no long-term evidence as to the safety of these products, and there is emerging, but as of yet limited, evidence that for adolescents e-cigarettes may act as a ‘gateway’ to tobacco usage, especially among those in their late teens who otherwise, according to research, did not intend to smoke tobacco.â€

Given the positive support for vaping and harm reduction on this side of the Irish Sea, it’s a total nonsense that HIQA and the Irish government has taken none of it on board. For the sake of Irish smokers and vapers, we hope they pull their finger out soon.

If you missed it, the Stealthvape Survey results are summarised on this page.

The Stealthvape 2017 Horrorscope


It’s understandable. When you are known as the leading vape market solution provider, vapers inevitably want help sorting out their personal lives too. We found that by plugging our customer database into the Oscillation Overthruster, and popping them both into the Tesla Pack, we obtained a comprehensive breakdown of 2017 for each astrological sign.

Some of you may wish to take advantage of the individual readings available via email. We believe our rates are exceptionally competitive when put up against other vape supply company prognostication services.

Aries

As an Aries, you are probably the most attractive and intelligent of all vapers. If there is one thing the Stealthvape Horrorscope is certain of, and it is exceptionally certain, 2017 is going to be absolutely awesome. The first part of the year appears to be showered in respect, which goes on to become love and wealth by autumn. Don’t change anything; you’re perfect as you are.

Taurus

You see those 18650s over there? Those ones that have a lifespan of seven button presses on the mod but you don’t want to throw away? Err, recycle. Get them out of the house. The Stealthvape Horrorscope says that an early June BBQ will end in tears if you forget to buy strawberries for the Pimms.

Gemini

Unfortunately you will spend a fair amount of time in casualty. It’s not your fault; you just seem to have one of those faces. The only thing you can do in an attempt to overcome this is do all your shopping online – and answer the door in a ski mask. To be frank, we’re amazed you have managed so well up till 2017. Your lucky stone is the one coming through your lounge window that misses you.

Cancer

In 2017, the power of the Stealthvape Horrorscope compels you to spend all you have on box mods. All that stuff your family thinks is important, but you don’t like – eBay the lot of it for more box mods. They may think you’re crazy now, but just wait to see the look on their faces in November when they see the method to your madness.

Leo

Don’t be frightened now, no matter how scary stuff seems, it’s just going to get worse. Separating fact from fiction was never easy for you, but this year is really going to turn the dial to elephant. Even words might cat as though lifting nonsense Ω≈≈Ωß.

Virgo

The challenge of using just one coil and wick for the whole year might seem a daunting task but it’s one you are amply endowed to achieve. There aren’t many people who can go to Vapefest and leave with the exact amount of money they arrived with. Ignore those who laugh at you, even though the cacophonous noise they make is deafening.

Libra

Is it that time already? Great things go really quickly when you’re having fun. Like Einstein pointed out while leaching over a young woman. This year will simply fly by. Recovering from a coma is like that.

Scorpio

No. Put it down. Walk out the door, lock it, dispose of the key and catch a bus to somewhere far, far away. Welcome to your new like making artisan eliquid in the Hebrides. Yes, it’s going to be a bit squashed with you all there – but it’s better than what was about…no, we can’t, it’s just too horrific to describe.

Sagittarius

Sagittarians need to open a vape store in Bristol – either a store each or one big shop between you. This is going to be something you have to sort out amongst yourselves. Everything will be brilliant if you get it correct, regrettably not if you get the wrong solution. Not everything is set in stone, the future is like sand: Sometimes you pick up a handful and it was disguising a coiled brown dog present.

Capricorn

Make-up, wigs, and plastic surgery figure heavily in your 2017 stars. You will develop a passionate attachment to vapes with a hint of mango. All of this adds up to an exciting December as you avoid arrest by relocating to a tropical country.

Aquarius

Oh dear, did you have to say that? OK, you haven’t said it yet – but it’s inevitable. It’s written, see. Unlike stuff that happens for Sagittarians, your future is a concrete cast of a future shoe print. Best you get used to vaping alone.

Pisces

Pisces tend to hold down repetitive and boring roles in life, which means they know better than most what will happen tomorrow. This is an advantage if you work in telesales, as a traffic warden or in customer service: phone in sick for the year. Although “It’s in my stars†isn’t accepted as a medical certificate by most companies it may be worth asking your human resources department.

*Stealthvape accepts no responsibility for loss, injury or death resulting from the Stealthvape Horrorscope.

New Years Resolutions


Of course, when giving up smoking was the big annual pledge – and it’s the one we all nailed – it begins to get a touch more difficult to conjure up something that anybody would see as challenging or worthwhile. Particularly if you plan on doing something that seems to be all the rage – getting people to give you money for doing something you were planning on doing anyway. Only the incapacitated would stump up sponsorship for a vaper resolving to do nothing but vape menthol orange all January.

Is there a person you share the house with that would appreciate you buying fewer bits of kit? Saving that cash for a weekend trip to Hull to see the Museum of Discarded Soiled Packaging? There’s a resolution idea right there: become an absolute intolerable moron. You probably won’t even need to keep it up for much beyond the start of February. Pretty soon your loved ones will be begging you to spend more money – and therefore time away from them – on growing your vape collection.

Underhand? Possibly, so maybe you’re one of those people who would prefer something less Machiavellian. How about focussing on juices? You might be one of those folks who protest: “I’m never paying that price for a liquid! I could feed a family of ducks for months on the money and make that myself for 30p.â€

Trying an expensive juice could be the resolution to add some spice to your life. Fair enough, we understand that whenever your partner fancies going out for a meal you make fish finger sandwiches and pocket the cash you would have spent – but this is only going to be a couple of quid and might bring a smile to your face.

Or how about going in the opposite direction? The sheer range of liquid available to us isn’t going to be here forever as the TPD hits, so why not have a pop at some of the 99p budget liquids? You never know, there might be something that actually tickles your fancy out there.

Then there’s always the old favourite of learning to DIY juice. Nothing matches the sense of achievement of having made something yourself (aside from getting other people to make it for you properly while you watch TV). Sure, it doesn’t work very well nine times out of ten, and it tastes of socks. There’s the next resolution: learn to DIY better. You never know, this might be a good skill to have when bottles shrink and prices expand.

Lastly, add ‘try to make a fancy coil’ onto the list of things you might like to achieve in the coming year. There’s bound to be at least one rainy day when you don’t fancy going anywhere. If you need the wire to make them, we’ve got it. Plus, if you fancy cheating, why not buy some of our premade coils to impress your friends and relations.