Monthly Archives: April 2015

Fire In The Whatnow

Such was the life in breakfast cereals. Once a year we would all travel from the regions and congregate in the utopia known as Coventry. Quite how this city has not been blessed with an accreditation for its attractiveness and finery eludes me. Ah, wonderful Coventry. Or, as I prefer to call it, Not-quite-Birmingham.

Nameless figures congregated in the hotel lobby, all boasting of how they managed to get an extra listing of a bran flake in their local Co-op against all the odds. And to a man, despite their tales of retail heroics, they hung back from returning to their rooms to freshen up before the wonder of the final night feast. They were scared. They were petrified.

The hotel carpet was made of that material they show you in Science class when you were not learning about static electricity because your sudden rush of hormones made other things far more interesting. The lift on the other hand was constructed of the finest metallic conductors engineers could find. It was an awesome conjunction of stupidity and bad planning. Slowly, one by one, the sounds of “Owâ€, “Shit†and “Oooyah bas…†filled reception each time the lift button was pressed.

My mind recalled the happy event when I first saw the draft regulations for ecig advertising last week. I always wondered what hotel designers did once the building was complete – and now I know: they come up with the stupidest, most unenforceable plans for controlling the discussion of vaping.

Some people lament the long-gone days when vaping was a small, close-knit community. Enthusiasts would share their discoveries and try to come up with their own. By virtue of the vape pioneers and their open-source mind-set an industry grew. With it, a community of ex-smokers all asking the same questions on a monthly rotation as new vapers experienced the same dry hit last week’s vapers had. The community, through social media, has been a support network, information resource and centre of inspiration to millions. It has and would continue to be vital but idiots want to take it away, they’d like to see the likes of vape groups on Facebook banned.

It’s been a tough week although not one that is in any way unique, we all have them: I’ve had cars blind me on country roads, lorries pull out on me and a puppy leaving presents on the landing carpet. Presents that could only be found with the aid of a naked foot on its way to make the first cup of coffee of the day. There’s been a stream of people delivering parcels but not one of them was for me containing an exciting vape purchase. A real 1st-world problem kind of tough week. And then I had a flash fire in a Block 454 mid-inhale.

Fire in the mouth is not something I can say I’m used to. I’ve had many things in my oral cavity, some of them not very pleasant, but never fire. It would be nice to think that the new regulations don’t prevent vapers in the future from being able to discuss such things in the public domain. Take my ex-regional sales director for example; I don’t know if having fire in the belly is half as perturbing as fire in the mouth but I hope he found someone to help him extinguish it.

It would be nice to think that we could continue with the free trade of information to circumvent or overcome such matters, sharing knowledge is how the world moves forward. If the sales reps had paid attention in class they’d have known not to all wear rubber soled shoes in Not-quite-Birmingham hotels. Criminalising discussion of vape chat in social media is crass, ill-considered and almost entirely unenforceable. Three cheers for the ex-hotel designers, blinding work once again.

New Vaping World Order

Proposed regulations covering what and how ecigs can be advertised means that at some point in 2016 we will no longer be able to say things like “They’re 95% better for you than smoking, so Public Health England say. You know, that body funded by the government.†We won’t be able to say it because officials say so. “Madnessâ€, you say – you don’t know the half of it.

In fact, just holding a cigalike out in the open where a child could see it, where a child may have been or somewhere a child may have dreamt of is set to be banned. To do so after Xmas can result in one from a vast range of harsh punishments: first offenders can expect to be insulted on Twitter by a government minister calling you a health terrorist. Repeat wrongdoers will be on the receiving end of a sound shouting in Argos and an MP will call round to your house to punch your dog in the face. Vapers not owning a dog will be expected to buy a rehomed smoking beagle.

What else can’t I say?

All words appertaining to vaping will be officially removed from the Oxford English Dictionary. No “eliquidâ€, no “atomiser†and no more “mechanical mods†– the legislation will also be extended so that the ones quoted will have to be removed from this blog and replaced with the words “ocelotâ€, “flippant†and “Y-frontsâ€.

You might say: “This sounds excessive?†Just remember that these people are doing it for your own interests and the benefit of all young people. Remember the last time you walked into a room and totally forgot why you were there? Exactly. You’re stupid. Experts know exactly how stupid you are and that the reason was “slippers†but they aren’t going to pop round and tell you – no, they are planning on banning slippers. In the meantime they have been forced to act because 2.8 million vapers are simple being too senseless to continue making their own decisions.

Removing words means that people can’t labour under the misapprehension that they are making “informed†choices. Words that can be used in multiple locations.

Where can’t I say it?

Words that will no longer exist will not be able to be used in posters, television adverts, on social media, on forums, in telephone calls, texts, notes added on to shopping lists or carved into your arm using a rusty knife. Health fascist and pie fan Martin McFly has called the move: “A huge victory for common sense, and will provide my team of snoopers a huge health budget dividend.â€

Is there nothing we can do?

Well, that’s the million-dollar question. Vapers and vape companies have a couple of options open to them. First is to use alternative language. In place of saying “ocelot†we can talk about great tasting “Ilford filmsâ€. In doing so, as you can see from the advert I’ve mocked up by stealing one from the internet, it is possible to continue with our plan to advertise directly to non-smokers and children. For example: Ilford Films are sold in either HP3 or FP3 heavy depending on whether the “photographer†requires clouds or the sensation of leaping over a tennis net.

Then there’s the smart alternative. While some idiots are looking into transferring their businesses offshore we believe that 2.8 million of us could all chip in and by an island, a vape republic. We can all appreciate that poor neighbours reduce the price of property so if we all go vape in boats off the coat of the Isle of White we could buy it for £94.23.

Yep, vaping is soon to be not as we knew it – it’s time to get creative.