Monthly Archives: November 2016

The Tao of Vaping

You will feel like it’s an ohm from ohm at our luxurious five-coil retreat. Journey with us to explore an underlying natural order to things, a path of enlightenment culminating with the revelation of the perfect vape, the Tao of vaping.

It is a path you have already been walking down whether you were conscious of it or not. As a smoker you simply made do. Perhaps that first drag in the morning was good for you, perhaps it cleared the pipes or hit the spot, but from thereon in, throughout the day, it was downhill and habit. You didn’t poke your fag with things; you didn’t steep boxes of two hundred in cupboards.

Young padawan, you were destined to join us at the Stealthvape Tao of Vaping residential weekend resort, you just didn’t know you were an devotee chasing a dragon.

Many a shaman will tell you is that the one ‘true’ way is the path of the genisis; everything we know about spirituality we learnt from David Carradine on television. The toughest route is always the correct one, and the path of most resistance is situated by the bubbling Pool of Curses.

The route is long and arduous, and one we insist you complete barefoot. It is covered in small rocks, shards of glass and bricks of discarded Lego. Not much fun when you are a devil-may-care, bare-footed e-cig adventurer kicking it Shaolin style.

But you will emerge as a spirit on a higher plane. After several hours attempting to make the atomiser work you will find yourself spent of negative energy – as it leaves your body to be absorbed by the pool.

Now you are ready for progression to the Zen Room of Coils. Empty your mind (like you emptied your wallet to attend this course), as you focus on the wire in front of you. Can a one-handed vaper clap in the Forest of Dean if no one is around to hear? It’s irrelevant questions to life like this that will not trouble you, as we won’t be asking them.

We will focus on the larger things: If you cut your hand on a sheet of mesh and no one is around to see does it still hurt? If a butterfly flaps its wings will rid a hotspot? By teatime on the second day you will have balanced your yings with your yangs, and emerge back into the car park in your complimentary Stealthvape Tao of Vaping Yogi clothes.

Where have all the old mods gone?

It’s because fashion is a fickle dominatrix; one minute she’s poking you with something pokey to make you wear a puffa jacket, then she’s whipping you into buying an iPod. Unless you buy in (and continue buying in), before you know it, you become a perm in crocks and a turquoise shell suit.

At some point, for reasons historians will debate long over, the mullet ceased to be a good look. Men, who last week leered at their reflections and considered them to be the depiction of everything desirable, suddenly had the rear locks cropped. There was a point, you’ll remember, when the must-have mod was the Roller. Then it wasn’t.

As cowboy TV shows gave way to those about aliens, which in turn became a bunch of vapid celebrities in a jungle, so too did the trend in mech mods shift to Paps then, in turn, to a host of Nemesises. Umm, Nemesii. Err, more than one Nemesis.

But where have they gone?

Before the Age of Box, be it original or clone, tables groaned under the weight of metal tubes. Forums filled with pictures demonstrating that vapers bought into the adage of always having a spare for the spare – to the extent that mech mods stretched across the frame.

Comic collections fit in boxes, guitars get mounted onto walls like mooseheads, what has happened to all of the stainless steel and brass? Where are all the GGs? And the tons of Taifuns? And somewhere, who knows where, lurk a fair few million Kayfun.

The sheds and attics of the nation have been plundered of their tat. It’s all been relabelled “vintage†and stuck up for sale again, for three times what it originally cost, to people with beards and single-speed bicycles. Where is the previously loved mod shop?  Where is

Somewhere abouts there is the sum total production from Greece, America, Britain and the Philippines – not to mention all of the original and hooky equipment from China. Are the houses of the nation full of collections and moaning spouses? Is it all on display with pride or stored away with embarrassment?

And the hundreds upon hundreds of pounds? Is this money thought of as wisely spent or does it rank up there with the time you bought a singing fish? 

Evolv DNA 250

What benefits does this offer modders and vapers? The board is designed as an upgrade for the DNA 200 and consequently can be used as a drop-in replacement or as the heartbeat of a higher-powered mod. Back to back size comparisons can be seen below, the DNA 250 is on the right of both images. 

It uses a 2 or 3-cell Li-Po series voltage input. Obviously, as the name indicates, power output is raised from 200 watts to 250 watts. Another step forward is the improvement of 2 amps charging through a micro-USB port. Reduced charging times will lead to less time on the desk and more time in use.

With a 55 amps continuous the fuse has been revised to ensure safety. This is accompanied with the standard reverse polarity protection. Mounting points remain the same, along with screen/button/USB positions, enabling a simple upgrade from the DNA 200 board devices.

The board will deliver an improved vaping experience with stainless steel coils through a developed temperature control system. This upgrade is also available for the DNA 200 as a firmware update.

Other features include:

Temperature protection: vapour production will be maximised through coil monitoring. Toxin production resulting from high temperatures and dry burns is combatted as a result.

·      Pre-heating: additional watts are supplied to the coil in order to reach the working temperature as quickly as possible.

·      New atomiser/coil warning: the board identifies a change and allows setting adjustment to be made.

·      OLED screen: same size as the DNA 200 and replaceable.

·      Informative display – wattage, voltage, temperature, resistance, remaining charge, room temperature, coil material, energy of the most recent puff, puff duration, board temperature and puff count.

Finally, the board can be used with Evolv’s Escribe software. A video on how to use Escribe can be found here. An interactive training course from Evolv can be found here.

The Forthcoming Commons Ecig Debate

House of Commons

Wednesday 16 March 2016


The Prime Minister was asked—


Peter Xenophobe (Wellingborough Far Right) (Con): If he will list his official engagements for Wednesday 16 March.

The Primecut Minister (Mr David Hameron): This morning, I had a pig served on a solid silver platter, played Donkey Kong on my office computer, held meetings with a secret society, and in addition to my duties in this House I shall be going to the toilet later today.

Peter Xenophobe: He will be aware that my honourable Friends selflessly serving on the board of British American Tobacco have warned that their prospects of buying more duck houses have been placed in extreme jeopardy due to the ridiculous edicts coming from Yurp. Does he not agree with me that Britain’s (and our) best interests would be served by pulling out…

Honourable members: Ha, pulling out, something your father should have done, etc. Moo! Moooo!

Mr. Speaker (sponsored by Accurist): Order! Order! The honourable Gentleman is correct will be allowed to finish his question.

Peter Xenophobe: Thank you Mr. Speaker. Does he not agree with me that Britain’s (and our) best interests would be best served by pulling out of Yurp and giving British American Tobacco five hundred million pounds?

The Primecut Minister: My honourable Friend is correct in his assumption that everything we do as a party has been brilliant and I would draw the attention of the House to this wonderful picture George drew of a poor person cleaning his polo stick.

Honourable members: Oink, oink! Bark! Meow! Mooo! Oink! Guffaw!

Mr. Speaker: Order! Order! I will have order! Mr. Jeremy Trotsky…

Honourable members: Does yo Momma dress you like that? Did you borrow that suit from Wurzel Gummage? Has Stephen Fry ever introduced you at an awards ceremony? Quack! Quack!

Jeremy Trotsky (Moscow South) (Lab): My first question comes from a Mrs. Josie GlaxoSmithKline who would like to know…

Honourable members: Agadoo do do! Push pineapple shake the tree! The taste of your lips, I’m on a ride. You’re toxic I’m slippin’ under! Arf! Arf!

Mr. Speaker: Order! You guttersnipes will not prevent the member from Moscow South from making himself heard. He will be heard or I will send you all to Miss Spanky’s Bottom Shop in Earls Court for a sound disciplining. Mr. Trotsky…

Jeremy Trotsky: Thank you Mr. Speaker and thank you to Mrs. GlaxoSmithKline – who would like to know why the government is doing everything it can to help tobacco companies sell evil electronic cigarettes that cause migraines and sow the seeds for civil unrest and not help little British pharmaceutical companies make bigger profits?

The Primecut Minister: Clearly the honourable Gentleman is unaware of the billions of pounds we gave to arms manufacturers last year. This money will trickle down to pharmaceutical companies the minute ordnance is released from two miles up, onto the North of England. It’s almost like he doesn’t want the resulting wounded and dying to receive pain relief. For shame, Mr. Speaker! For shame!

Honourable members: Ra! Ra! Ra! For he’s a jolly good fellow! My old man’s a dustman, he wears a Commie hat! Boo yar sucks!

Mr. Speaker: Order! ORDER! None of you batty-fangs will collie shangle proceedings with your nanty narking. This is a serious process that the world looks up to as a model of perfect democracy. Mr. Kenneth Cigar…

Ken Cigar (Non-executive Chairman West) (Con): Does my honourable Friend agree with me that by supporting the inferior e-cig and not the advanced vaping products we are proving that we care about equality and fairness?

The Primecut Minister: Indeed. And in reply I would like to state that the Leader of the Opposition has all the appearance of a fart in a Happy Shopper carry bag who can’t sing.

Mr. Speaker: Order. Mrs. Diane Hackney…

Diane Hackey (Pfizer East) (Lab): Hackney hackney hackney. Hackney hackney. Hackney hackney hackney hackney hackney hackney hackney. Hackney?

Honourable members: Neigh! Whiney! Yelp! Felch! Barf! Yuk yuk yuk!

Mr. Speaker: *sigh*

The Primecut Minister: Hands up everybody who likes me!

Mr. Speaker: Order! I order everyone to order in the subsidised bar.

Honourable members: Huzzah! Nosh! Nosh! Slurp! *backslap* Burp

New Subohm Vaper Danger

While a section of vapers have been seeking out bigger clouds and more flavourful vapes, an insidious and dangerous product has crept into the world of sub-ohm vaping: it goes by the name of the snapback hat.

“I was trying to be a cooler vaper. I tried adding an over-sized hoodie to my vaping, and even experimented with different types of shoes but they weren’t me. Then I settled on the hat. I left the sticker on like all the hip kids and reckoned I looked the bits, but my wife has informed me I resemble a fat 15-yr old white boy who thinks he lives in Downtown LA,†confessed Twitter vape celebrity Bobby Freshwaterdolphin.

But the problem goes beyond the danger of fashion suicide. Bob Jobsworth of Crawley Trading Standards explained: “Seventeen children have been injured so far this year as peaks of snapback hats caught them in the eye. Three individuals have presented at A&E with blood blisters resulting from firm adjuster straps – who is taking responsibility for this?â€

Who indeed? No one according to leading market research pollsters EUgov.con. But Jobsworth demands questions should be posed: “There are no warnings, no instructions or safety courses for these things and research shows there’s at least two hundred of them out there. This is a ticking bomb just waiting to go off.â€

It can only be a matter of time before the media launch a mass of ecig/snapback stories to further tarnish the cause of harm reduction. Tales such as the serious injuries sustained by Bert Handkerchief who, while completing a run of all the pub’s white spirit optics, placed his MCV Tiger Panzer mod on the bar and ate his cap after his mates told him: “it would be a laugh.â€

“Obviously, this isn’t an issue for owners of products made by the big brands, it is only a concern for those hats manufactured in China,†added Jobsworth. “Our advice for snapback hat users everywhere is to look at the label in the first instance; if there’s any indication it was made in the Far East we suggest calling you local Trading Standards officer and asking them to safely dispose of it.â€

We called the Trading Standards office in Thurrock to discover if this danger was recognised elsewhere. They confirmed that an emergency response agency has been set up and all snapback-related calls would be prioritised. If you know of anybody needing urgent assistance please make sure that the hat is placed into a sealed container in the first instance prior to calling for help.