Monthly Archives: November 2015

The Biggest Menace in Vaping


Maybe you’re bugged by serious stuff? There’s the inclusion of diketones in juice. Or, worse, manufacturers who include it in their brands, know it’s in there, prove it’s in there in stupidly high levels and then lie to everyone who asks about it. That kind of thing could really get stuck in your craw.

How about substandard batteries? The ones called ThisshitsonFire or the clones of otherwise decent cells that’ll go pop the second there’s an InjuryLawyer4YouIdiots advert on TV? They certainly appear to make some people go apoplectic although the subject is far too Darwin Award to raise concern from me.

Subohmers, eh? Those clouds, eh? Ruining vaping for the rest of us normal folk? Nope, sorry, I can’t agree as I love to lob a dripper on a high-powered box along with the best of them although I could acknowledge a strong dislike of any reference to “Pro vapingâ€.

Maybe those high wattage boxes? Drama queens? Vapefamous wannabes? YouTube reviewers who look to the right of the camera, have no script and remain as focussed as a kid in class sitting next to someone they fancy? Sorry, none of these really register on my scale of annoyance. I discovered what vexes me when a Smok X Cube II arrived in the post.

It’s not that it’s as heavy and attractive as a professional wrestler, or that it seems to have been designed by an aesthetically challenged fan of gimmicks. It’s not the ill-fitting battery cover or the menu system that has three firing options…all of which appearing to perform the identically. Nope, none of them. It’s the app that connects with the mod by Bluetooth.

But then it’s not even the app; being able to change the colour emanated when fired or to adjust the temperature coefficient of the wire combines ease of use with functionality. It’s the puff counter.

It’s the puff counter and the puff counter log. It’s the automatic puff counter hitting a predetermined puff limiter and the option to set up a puff plan. It’s anything with the word puff.

Oh, for sure, at this very moment in time it seems a tiny, insignificant gripe – but you wait. As these things begin shipping over in larger numbers there are going to be legions of vapers keen to share their “Vaping Recordâ€.

In puffs.

It is widely accepted in this house that one of the single most insufferable things in life was the advent of the app that tracks the exercise regimes of deeply boring people. “Karen has just completed 4kmâ€, “Sanjit has just cycled 2.5kmâ€, “Bob has walked 15m to the shop†is all my actual friends (not vaping friends) Facebook timeline seem to consist of. I do not care what amusing thing your cat has done, what your sandwich looks like or that you are at Gatwick (again). I really don’t care about your exercise.

Nor, should Smok include the functionality so it can be instantly copied to social media, do I care how many puffs you have had today. Now I need to go share a picture of something I found funny in the hope that you think I’m amusing.

The Biology of Vaping


Ask yourself this question: “Would I carry off a lead role in Braking Bad or be able to sing with ZZ Top?†If the answer is yes then it is very possible that you are a Beardy vaper. Facial foliage has become so popular that some vape emporiums are now denying access to anyone not sporting a minimum of a healthy seven-day growth. The growth of the hirsute can be traced back to Professor Beard, the earliest and beardiest vaper ever.

Fresh-faced fauna abounds on the bleak tundra too.

Interbreeding between the most miserable examples gave rise to the Expects perfection even though the product was on discount and cost a tenner vaper and the Post things for free vaper (who are unaware that the cost of the stamp is then included in the retail price). When not incessantly complaining to each other, this group like nothing more than to email the people they’ve just bought something from demanding to know why it wasn’t delivered yesterday. You can recognise them in the wild by their mating call of “I’ll never buy from you again!â€

Thanks in part to the government being spineless and not implementing the compulsory sterilisation of stray dripping enthusiasts, these simple folk have bred and produced feral spawn. Becuz clowdz, bro vapers can be seen everywhere: at vapemeets, the entrance to Morrisons, downing a pint in the local and playing bingo with your grandma. A skittish beast, when startled they will exude voluminous quantities of opacity to aid their escape – shooting off to breed in bus shelters.

Arguments rage as to whether Free shit vaper came about after some idiot poured some unwanted juice down a sink or descended from an escaped imported American pet. They are attracted to the noise of exhibition centres and online giveaway lists. This genus is a simple beast and splits its time between listing what they obtain on vaping forum classified sections and sharing competitions on Facebook.

The insignificant but incredibly annoying They can afford it so I’ll nick what I want vaper appears to be flourishing. Conditions appear ripe for them and there are few natural predators. Timid by nature, they stay clear of other creatures unless hunting. If you find one and would like to look after it, they enjoy being hit on the head with a baseball bat and having their fingers crushed under the wheels of an articulated truck.

Twitter vaper can be identified by its pale complexion and glazed expression. It is probable that you could go a lifetime without ever encountering one unless you venture into its darkened lair. They gain sustenance from staring at a computer screen 24 hours a day, waiting for Simon Chapman, so they can put as many insults into 128 characters as possible.

Squonking vapers, despite all claims to the contrary, don’t really exist – they are just characters in a J. K. Rowling story. Seriously, how could anyone believe the tales of sexual prowess and intelligence? No. These things are as real as Loch Ness monsters and economic austerity programs that work.

…and then there’s the rest of us.