Important Questions

René Descartes wondered if the universe was real. Carl Ginet wondered if it’s true that we have no control over our past, present and future. Plato argued numbers were real despite some disagreeing. What would have brought them together would have been a simple question: are internet quizzes important?

Yes, they would have said. And no internet quiz is more important than one about vaping.

What Kind Of Vaper Am I?

1. Your friend offers you some new juice they’ve just discovered. Do you:

a) Add three drops to the cakes you’re baking.

b) Enjoy the vape and ask him where them where they bought it from.

c) Shout about how it’s disgusting you can only buy it in 10ml bottles these days.

d) Break out a chemistry set and attempt to deconstruct the flavour profiles.

e) Get the contact details from the label, call them and suggest they send you a boxload to review.

f) Hand it straight back. You don’t vape anything but boutique bottles costing £10 per ml.

g) Sorry mate, what? I can’t see the options.


2. You pick up your favourite mod. Do you:

a) Wonder what it is and if it can cure athlete’s foot.

b) Turn it on and enjoy a lovely vape.

c) Lament the fact that it was a far better mod before those bloody politicians messed about with your rights.

d) Get out a screwdriver and dismantle it.

e) Hold it up to your computer and record yourself saying it’s “the best mod ever, it really hits hard†and mention how you got it for free.

f) Polish off the fingerprints and place it back into the display case nobody looks at.

g) Sorry mate, what? I can’t see the options.


3. You wander into your local vape shop. Do you:

a) Ask for directions to Kentucky Fried Chicken.

b) Strike up a conversation with the staff, who all know you by name.

c) Thump the counter and scream that they should be closed, to signal what it’ll be like unless everybody starts bloody protesting these idiotic laws.

d) Show them the coil you just built, that took seventeen weeks to perfect.

e) Say nothing, but stand in the corner wearing sunglasses, stroking your hipster beard and waiting to be recognised.

f) Scoff, turn around and march straight out – none of that equipment was handmade.

g) Sorry mate, what? I can’t see the options.


4. You go out for a day trip. Do you:

a) Cancel it, there’s a new quiz on Facebook.

b) Walk out of the door carrying three bags, seventeen packs of charged batteries, eight spare mods, nine spare atomisers and every type of juice you like.

c) Wear a T-shirt telling people how much you care about lives, a black armband symbolising those lost, a petition signature sheet and a car boot full of leaflets.

d) Only visit places selling tools or resistors.

e) Live stream the entire proceedings on Periscope while wearing your best hat.

f) Walk about holding your device so everybody can see what they can’t afford or appreciate.

g) Sorry mate, what? I can’t see the options.


5. Somebody tells you vaping is dangerous. Do you:

a) Say “Sorry? What? I don’t know what you mean.â€

b) Tell them about the PHE and RCP reports stating it’s 95% safer than smoking.

c) You turn red, make the noise of a hamster being squished, and call them many rude names on your social media account.

d) Get out your notebook and demonstrate how safe it is by using equations and a diagram of a pendulum.

e) Ask them if they would like an autograph.

f) Ignore them – you don’t talk to ‘normal’ people.

g) Sorry mate, what? I can’t see the options.


6. Your battery is dying, the juice almost run out. Do you:

a) Carry on with life as normal, mainly because you don’t understand the problem.

b) Cry. Shake. Then visit one of your thousand vape mates because you know they’ll sort you out.

c) Accuse the Prime Minister of carry out some kind of personal vendetta against you, then attempt to raze Parliament to the ground.

d) Construct a new battery out of an orange and make some emergency eliquid using household products and a rubber glove.

e) Put out an appeal on YouTube to all vendors to send you free stuff as soon as possible, promising them a great review that’ll be seen by both your subscribers.

f) To be honest, I’m not that bothered about vaping – I just like to spend money.

g) Sorry mate, what? I can’t see the options.


So, what kind of vaper are you?

If you answered mostly A’s, you are not a vaper at all. The only reason you are doing this is because you have a compulsion to completing online surveys and already know which Game Of Thrones dragon you’d be. If it helps, you are the ABBA, Joey from Friends and The Ramones of Vaping – go post that as an update.

If you answered mostly B’s, then you are a run of the mill normal vaper. You enjoy what you do, have made a ton of friends and learnt more Physics than you ever did at school. Whatever the government does, whatever the media writes, you are just happy you finally found a way to escape smoking.

If you answered mostly C’s, you are probably a bit rabid about vape politics. Your friends are also very angry and you all enjoy using CAPS LOC in Facebook updates. You got fired from your last job for berating your boss because she didn’t order recycled photocopy paper. Life is a struggle and you last smiled in 1996.

If you answered mostly D’s, you are probably some kind of DIY nut. If a job’s worth doing then it’s worth doing using the correct tools and posting pictures about it online so other DIYers can explain how they did it better suing a soldering iron and two brass connectors. Vaping may have replaced smoking – but making things has now replaced any opportunity for eating or socialising.

If you answered mostly E’s, then you are likely to be an aspirant Youtuber reviewer. Half of your subscriber base is your mum, you have a nasal monotone voice and everything free is the best thing in the world ever. One day you’d like somebody to write a comment on one of your posts. No, sorry, we can’t send you anything for free.

If you answered mostly F’s, you are a member of the shrinking band of elite enthusiasts, who values a hideously expensive stainless steel tube over a cheap tube (or box full of electronics) because it was crafted using the lathe that once belonged to Isambard Kingdom Brunel. Or something. You felt important before 2.8million other people began vaping – you look back on 2009 as though it was a Golden Age.

If you answered mostly G’s, you are a “Cloud Chaserâ€. The thing is, you can’t read this bit either because of the fog filling the downstairs of your house and half of the garden. We get it, bro, you vape!

It doesn’t matter though – whoever you are, however you choose to vape, we celebrate your success with you. Have a great vaping weekend!