The End Of Vaping


Recently, we have come up with a political party to end all election woes, how violence is the answer to all our problems, how to make vaping sexy, invented the incredible vape booth, created the best vape accessory in the world, and then created an even better best vape accessory in the world.

The thing is we all work without our constraints, and it can be hard to break out of a way of thinking. To our minds vaping is all about breathing in vape. We were so stupid – why didn’t we turn it on its head like what’s happened in France?

“This design studio is bringing French sophistication to alternatives to tobacco,†says the voiceover. What? French sophistication? Did they not see the Stealthvape Ultigadj? Odds on this is going to have something to do with cheese that isn’t Cheddar or one of their fancy wines.

“The stylish brass pipe…â€

Ah, you might have to stop there for a moment, Ms Journalist. Stylish brass pipes? Surely not even this claimed French sophistication could make a brass pipe stylish?

“The stylish brass pipe is designed to look like a twig.â€

Err, right. Now just stop. We are the masters and mistresses of British invention, there’s not a thought we could not think if we really put our collective minds to it – but the words “stylish†and “sophistication†are probably a couple of the last ones that would pop up in relation to the word “twigâ€. In fact, the very last use for a twig by these hands was for flicking some dog excrement from the path into a hedge. So, if there was a life or death scenario where one had to quickly come up with a word associated to ‘twig’, it’s likely to be a four-letter one, ending in “*hitâ€.

“It holds a drop of essential oil…â€

Well that sounds a bit dodgy.

“It holds a drop of essential oil and users blow through its mouthpiece.â€

Sorry, they blow? The death of vaping is going to be brought about by a twig you blow into? We’re totally lost now.

Stephanie, Le Twig’s designer, explained in a video interview to Reuters that the device helps people “reach the end of their breath.†Honestly, we weren’t aware that stopping breathing out was ever a problem – just goes to show what we know. In fact, we are starting to doubt that our Vapeshed was ever a good idea in the first place, what with this new way of looking at the world coming to light.

“I talked to some doctor friends,†she said. She didn’t say if these were friends from childhood or the kind of ones you make on holiday. One week together at Hotel PrettyFlores and you’ve swapped email addresses, hoping they’ll never write.

“What is it honey?â€

“It’s that bloody Stephanie woman, darling, the one we had to suffer on the city-break.â€

“What does she want?â€

“Something about smoking replacements, God she’s insufferable.â€

“Well, just tell her we were really so worried about tobacco that we have put another product (vaping) on the market, in a huge way, to replace it.â€

“I did, now she’s asking about vaping. Doesn’t this idiot know anything?â€

“Tell her we haven’t tested vaping things? For a laugh, tell her we don’t know what the effects are.â€

Yes, that’s how the conversation probably went. Anyway, we are going to be busy this week, we’re inventing something to blow through that’s inspired by the hollow piece of liquorice in old Sherbet Fountains.