The Great British Vape Off


Having been approached by the BBC, there is going to be a brand new series replacing the old cake-based venture. “We thought about the Great British Skate Off, a show for people who like fishing. Then we considered the Great British Break Off, a show for clumsy types,†said a TV spokesperson.

“But then we realised that a show aimed at a demographic of 2.8million vapers would rope in their friends and families – and so the idea of the Great British Vape Off was born.â€

“Truth be told, we had already decided that we’d had enough of the old format. OK, 13.4 million watched the one about biscuits or whatever, but it was getting more stale than a bun in the sun.â€

The Great British Vape Off will build upon everything that was good about the old show – soft innuendo. “It’s prime time Carry On fun without Barbara Windsor’s bikini top popping off,†the spokesperson added. “But obviously, if ratings begin to flag we’ll look into getting Babs’ baps on.â€

So, how bug could this show be? Are there enough double entendres? “The potential is huge: ‘Put it in my mouth’, ‘Wrap my lips around this one’, ‘The last time I was gripping something this solid…’ and comments like ‘And you can lick your own drip tip’ will have audiences flocking to the set,†the spokesperson explained.

TV whimsy in a tent!

When the production company approached us to see what we thought we told them it was already taking place. This year, we said, Vapefest attracted over 23 million people. We might have embroiled the figure slightly but everything we know about forecasts and estimates we learnt from The Apprentice. In fact, we have taken so much from Lord Alan’s show that we are thinking about renaming ourselves Team Awesome and selling fields of ponies.

Flushed with success from our involvement with this, we are currently in discussions about fronting up the new Top Gear (including more vaping), relaunching Top of the Pops (with vape in place of a smoke machine) and are submitting a proposal to do a Saturday morning kids show (giving away packs of sweet cigalikes). Nothing for anybody to complain about there.