The National Union of Apathetic Vapers


Anyway, the first question on your lips is likely to be, “Why?” It’s very simple: before this morning, when we were slumped over a coffee and nursing the mother of all hangovers, nothing called The National Union of Apathetic Vapers existed. That ought to be a damn fine reason to set it up, we reasoned. Are you excited yet? In all probability, no. But don’t let that put you off; you haven’t heard all of the great things we can offer in return for a very affordable monthly direct debit yet.

For a starter, there are all of the wonders you will receive as a new member. Each new application will be treated as fast as we can be bothered to get around to. Normally we’d say within a couple of days or something – but it really depends if there’s a decent new series worth watching on Netflix. At some point you’ll get a pack containing a hand drawn membership card bearing an artist’s impression of what she thinks you might look like. Keep this safe; you may need it to vote at the annual general meeting. That’s if we get around to organising one, there’s literally tons of stuff to do to arrange them. Of course, as an apathetic vaper you’ll be fully conversant with all the things that you can’t be bothered to do either and empathise with us. If we come across some other stuff we’re not using from the vape kit we might thrown those in your membership pack too.

So, what other benefits does being a NUAV member confer? Not much to be honest. You’ll be able to join our Facebook group (because they’re dead simple to set up). From there you’ll be able to download our amazing range of jpegs we copy-pasted from the Internet and maybe ones we made ourselves (that resemble the work of a toddler suffering from St. Vitus Dance).

Policies and campaign issues are an important aspect to The National Union of Apathetic Vapers. As in, we realise that apathetic vapers don’t want any policies or campaign issues. Joining us guarantees you that we will never ask you to stand outside a building in the cold to show people you vape. Not just that, we also pledge we will never ask you to sign a single petition or watch a video about the issues impacting on vaping.

In fact, the default option on the enrolment form is for you never to be contacted in any form whatsoever. No emails, no personal messages and no status updates clogging up you life – isn’t this what the two million, five hundred and ninety-five thousand of you have been calling out for? Damn straight. The National Union of Apathetic Vapers is just the organisation you’ve been waiting for so just look at our website for more details…when we’ve done one.


The National Union of Apathetic Vapers committee