Author Archives: Rob Ellard

It wasn’t easy being Gavin. For starters he would rather be fishing and on permanent gardening leave, and then he really didn’t like people either. Not the best qualifications for a customer-facing enterprise. That said, after he’d waved goodbye to the machine shop he’d made a proper fist of it. Jayne was proud. Lads like it when their Mums are proud.

From a small market stall selling CE4s and juice that could strip walls, the pair of them had built up a respectable business with long hours and skipped meals. They’d seen the pioneers, the hobbyists and the curious. From a range that could be held in a hand they now presented expensive rack upon rack of devices for all tastes. Likewise, the budget juices had been augmented with all manner of fancy bottled and labelled selection from home and abroad.

Gavin had learnt how to employ people. First of all he employed his mates who vaped his stock, then he took on some young people who preferred to stay in bed or borrow from the till before he settled upon the lovely cross-section who now run the store while he does battle with tax returns and insurance quotes. And still has to skip meals.

It’d been a journey not unlike currently trying to get from Dover to France: frustration and annoyance tempered with the knowledge that this was all a learning experience. The destination would make it worthwhile.

And then there was the satisfaction that came from what the whole thing was all about. Some businesses make their money from ripping off the NHS for medicines, others manufacture the deaths of innocent people – Jayne and Gavin sold a healthier alternative to smoking and helped people quit. They gave advice to the young and old, the fit and the informed. The pair of them slept well at night because lives were being saved, staff had money in their pockets and someone at HMRC was rolling around on a fat wad of their cash.

What never ceased to amaze Gavin was the public. There was something special about the loyalty they displayed to his shop. They’d drop in for juice, a new treat, but mainly just for a chat. And they’d be unpaid sales assistants, always willing to give advice to those coming in looking to make the switch. Always chipper, always enthusiastic about vaping.

The new law looks set to change things for small vape business owners over the next twelve months. Challenges being presented are set to be a barrier too high for many. Jayne had noted announcements on a forum with sadness, of juice makers and stores closing up. “Maybe things will be OK,” she’d tell her lad. “We’re vapers – we don’t just quit unless it’s the smokes.”

There are hundreds of Gavin and Jaynes across the country. Vape manufacturers and retailers of Britain, we salute you.

We could begin with the simple targets. It goes without saying that traffic wardens, tax inspectors, investment bankers and politicians could rescue kittens from burning buildings and still stand by the smouldering door being pelted with an assortment of rotten fruit and insults. But still, a poster campaign might work – this is post-TPD legal. An image of our four hate figures could be set against a slogan of “Maybe they’d be better people if they vaped?”

This doesn’t work too well if we are trying to convince parking officials, tax inspectors, investment bankers and politicians that vapers are awesome but do we care for their respect? It is also possible that some of our customers are currently traffic wardens, tax inspectors, investment bankers or politicians. This isn’t an attack on you; you are vapers first and annoying occupation second.

But there are others.

Monday morning always brings a slew of hilarious “Oh joy is me, it’s work again” jpg files on social media. With all the humour of a Garfield cartoon or a trip to the piles doctor, we all know it’s Monday. We’re currently reading your update because, like you, none of us want to be in work and we were trying to forget about being here for ten minutes. Thanks. Reality just came crashing through the screen.

It’s tricky to include these folks in a pro-vaping campaign and, some might say, they are very lucky to have a job. I was once employed by a large fast food chain to clear excrement and urine from the toilet floor. It’s not going to be easy to use the multitude of shortsighted or poor-aiming burger eaters either; I imagine very few of us have suffered them.

How about unsolicited door knockers? After guffawing at a Monday image on Facebook our door went and there stood a builder touting solutions to an invisible problem, full of promise of combining high cost with low quality. Then came a young woman attempting to interest me in replacing my 2yr-old UPVC double-glazing with brand new UPVC double-glazing. Then someone wanted the clothes off my back to help a helicopter or children or Bono, I lost interest quickly. Knockers on doors would be brilliant at deflecting some of the animosity aimed at vaping.

But if we are thinking about cold calls: what about telemarketers? Why did an Internet service provider call me while I was still in bed? Why were they trying to sell me some of their honest-to-goodness Yorkshire broadbands before I’d had a coffee? And how did they achieve that when I’m meant to be X-directory?

Maybe we should skip the posters and concentrate on the personal. Each time someone voices dissatisfaction with vaping simply say to them: “Aha, but at least I don’t work for BT Customer Service”. This approach even applies to those who actually work for BT Customer Service; they’re already good at fibbing.

Just over a week ago, in the House of Lords, Tory Viscount Ridley sprung a debate on his fellow peers and there was almost universal cross-parrty condemnation of Article 20 of the TPD. Following on from this this, at the eleventh hour, vapers and vape companies had been thrown a lifeline. Tory Lord Callanan has tabled a motion demanding that Article 20 “be annulled on the grounds that its restrictions on product choice and advertising of vaping devices were devised before evidence had accumulated that vaping was enabling many people to quit smoking, run counter to advice from the Royal College of Physicians to promote vaping and are so severe that they could force vapers back to smoking and create a black market with harmful products.”

We believe that responsible self-regulation in the vape market has helped small businesses like ours to grow, and while we acknowledge some regulation is necessary Article 20 is not it. It is our opinion that reputable small companies are facing a grim future, jobs will be lost, tobacco & pharmaceutical companies are being given free reign and vapers are having their choices limited for reasons not based in logic or sound science.

We fully support the petition that has been created on Change.org in order to demonstrate the strength of feeling within the vape community that welcomes the Conservative peer’s call for Article 20 to be rescinded.

We strongly encourage our customers to support this petition (that gained over 20,000 signatures in the first 12 hours). Yes, we all have a bit of petition fatigue but given the mood of the House of Lords this one really does have some traction. This petition doesn’t need to be signed by vapers – friends and family can lend their names. Or maybe you know someone who would just like to upset David Cameron? Or someone who would like to stick it to Europe? Every name will help to sway wavering peers.

Some vapers are choosing to share it on social media using the hashtag #LordsVapeVote, which is good for raising awareness but ageing members of the upper house aren’t known for their grasp of modern technology. Harm reduction expert Gerry Stimson has suggested writing directly to individual Lords using the TheyWorkForYou website.

Please join us in this huge, coordinated push to overturn an unjust, ill-considered and impractical law. Support common sense and join us in signing the petition 🙂

https://www.change.org/p/david-cameron-mp-support-parliamentary-moves-to-block-crazy-e-cigarette-regulations

It could get really, well, you know, dull. Once you’ve built a fort out of used fifty pound notes during your working hours there’s precious little else to hold your attention. Except building a bigger fort. The staff of BDI lived with the knowledge that their foreign holidays were courtesy of the painful suffering of smokers but it had all gone stale as sales waned.

Once upon a time they would all go to see cars drive around in circles, to see which car was the best at going round in circles that week. The cars were sexy. Black and gold, red and white – sexy, sexy cars surrounded by sexy men and women. Death was incredibly sexy.

But that was in the past when real blokes sported fantastic sideburns. The present was all about plain green packets and an inability to tell anybody about how their cancer canes tasted so much better than the ones made by American Tar Baccy Ltd. No one went into the Marketing Department these days; it was like asking someone how they were feeling only for them to actually tell you.

Aneka dropped a pack of fivers on the floor as Rashid’s pen slipped and made it look like all cease and desist letters had been victims of their own advice. What in the 9 circles of Hell was that infernal din? It sounded like salsa. It was. It was the same noise that comes from a village hall full of overweight middle-aged women trying to slim the fun way.

Pushing the marketing door ajar and avoiding the falling cobwebs, Sven exclaimed: “What the hell are you doing? Stop it. Stop it now.”

As the music pounded, Oliver rubbed himself against the office curtains. This would have constituted abnormal behaviour at the best of times, but seeing as Oliver was naked bar a liberal covering of NowthatsprobablynotbbutterbutIreallycanttell it verged on the obscene.

“I’m celebrating,” explained the naked self-emulsified entity busy frotting against every item of office furniture.

The office staff were fully aware that there was always the potential for something like this to happen given that Oliver previously worked for Tory Central Office. “It’s the Tobacco Products Directive – we’ve won! Happy days are here again!” Oh happy days. Oliver left Rashid’s shirt translucent following an exuberant hug.

“We’ve bloody won! They’ve given us the entire vape market. In-store displays at point of sale, instruction videos with glamorous presenters – we can do the bloody lot and only we can afford the ridiculous documentation process. I have a purpose in life once more!”

Then Oliver’s eyes fell on a copy of the Daily Mirror: “45,684 supporters have signed a petition supporting the Lord’s motion”.

“Oh shit,” Oliver whimpered. The music died immediately after the marketing office door click shut. Akeka picked up the £5 notes and threw them in the bin. It wasn’t quite a normal day in the offices of British Deathsticks Incorporated.

Please sign the petition.

#LordsVapeVote

Say a big hello to Stealthvape’s Swap Shop. There can’t be many of us who haven’t missed Noel Edmonds’ stellar TV show on a weekly basis. Saturday mornings used to mean something in the 1970’s, they used to be fun and worth getting out of bed for. These days the weekend appears to be nothing more than an endless series of trips to shops or being forced to climb a ladder, dice with death and pull weeds from the guttering.

We noticed that buying vape gear online frequently involves trusting the seller to be accurate in his or her description. Some photos tend to convey less detail than a convincing picture of the Loch Ness monster. Likewise, the liberties taken with language would lead one to believe at least 73% of sellers spend their days working as estate agents.

“Much loved device” – covered in scratches and the engraving is worn off.

“Gathering dust” – it broke in 2014 and I’m buggered if I know how to fix it.

“Will post on Thursday” – but I’m not going to tell you which month.

“Sought after” – a year ago but no one has wanted one since.

“Genuine reason for sale” – I’m honestly running out of reasons why you should buy this from me.

So, what about a streamed show that demonstrates the devices for the viewer’s delectation? It sounded like an absolutely brilliant idea to us. Given the lack of demand for Noel’s services since he stopped giving people empty boxes to open we decided to see if we could sign him up to host our new streamed vape show. Unfortunately he spent the entire interview attempting to sell us a magical box that would cure back problems, make a better cup of tea and transport us to other dimensions. We wished him well and waved goodbye as he climbed aboard his pogo stick bound for the train station, but not before buying one of the boxes. Damn that man could sell.

By chance, we bumped into Maggie Philbin in the Happy Shopper while she was buying a case of Diamond White cider. She told us that Rustie Lee was available for any work going. One phone call later and we had our super presenter.

Now, once we’ve saved up for the camera and other things we’ll need but not yet thought about, we are ready to go. Vapers across the country can send in their swaps and let us know what they want for them. Clearly we are going to have to ensure no children begin tuning in so we are implementing a thorough age vetting system. When you log on to Stealthvapeelectroniccigaretteunitedkingdomswapshop.com (yes, we were surprised the address was available too) you will be presented with a box asking you if you are over 18. Children will believe they can circumvent this by clicking ‘Yes’. Children are stupid – the real answer is ‘No’. Absolutely foolproof.

See you online.

Drakeford was strongly against ecigs being used to prop open the many gates in Wales. So convinced was he that this was a potential problem he kept harping on about this gateway effect all the time…this was when he wasn’t talking about Norma Lisation. We remain unclear who this Norma is.

Is it possible Ms Lisation owns many of the gateways? Or maybe she is the person who told Drakeford about children finding mods wedged into gateposts? In all honesty we totally lost whatever point Drakers was trying to make but the above is probably along the right lines.

Anyway, without him, what can the Senedd focus on now that they’ve said further attempts to regulate vaping is off the agenda? We have a couple of ideas.

Nobody uses indicators these days so this ought to be an open goal. Ban indicators on cars and replace them with cuddly Charlotte Church dolls. Not only would it be awesome to have Charlotte Churches everywhere you looked, but it would make the corners of cars squidgy enough to absorb the impact of any children running out from a field clutching a mod they’d just found.

And if promoting vape is prohibited on the internets then what about cats? Cat pictures on social media encourage owners to get one only for them to release it into the wild every night, where it defecates in other people’s garden and fights on their fence. Plus, and this isn’t mentioned often enough, owning a kitty is clearly one of these gateways things. Next month the person will be buying a panther. This has to be the second thing requiring urgent attention.

Finally, beards.

Yes, we realise that this is a very contentious issue but Noel Edmunds, Dave Lee Travis and Russell Brand were never meant to be role models. While it is inevitable that young boys will experiment with facial hair most of them do not develop a lifelong addiction and go on to live fulfilling and healthy lives. The only reason Drakeford didn’t act when he had the chance was because many influential colleagues were beard users themselves – but the harm has been well documented.

Children as young as very small have been left with beard rashes or a smearing of last week’s fry up following an affectionate peck. Plus, the link to international terrorism can’t be overlooked either.

So come on Welsh Labour politicians, show us that you care as passionately about the issues that really matter as well as the ones you just make up in your heads.

Stealthvape has built up a sterling reputation for delivering groundbreaking products and inventing new segments of the market. It will come as no surprise to anybody that we’ve done it again. In fact we’ve done it and then done it some more in a whole load of done it: The Commemorative Stealthvape Vape Pot™, The Celebratory Stealthvape Vape Pot™ and The Stealthvape Vape Pot™ Collectible Series.

You will probably be very interested in Stealthvape Vape Pots™ at this moment in time. But what is a Stealthvape Vape Pot™? Simple. We commissioned the finest glass craftspeople in China to hand make (using machines) these treasured collectables. Not many people appreciate that the Chinese are known throughout the world for leading the way in the highest quality crafted glassware.

The Stealthvape Vape Pots™ are either prefilled with a range of high quality exhaled vape or empty and provided with a Stealthvape Vape Pot Pen™ and Stealthvape Vape Pot Label™.

Maybe you fancy building your own collection of Stealthvape Vape Pots™. You don’t need to have ever vaped, but you will need a large bank balance as these are premium products. Perhaps you just want to celebrate a one-off vape event.

Stealthvape Vape Pots™ come in a range of sizes from Mouth2Lung through to Subohmeister. The special commemorative series includes “My First Vape”, “My Last Vape” and “My First Sodding Great Cloud”. Don’t forget to check out our huge Flavourz series too, currently representing over a hundred and seventeen different juices. We have a Classic series of old school simple flavour vapes and The Exotic Boutique series of simple flavours combined together. The Stealthvape Vape Pot™ Cloudrange and the Stealthvape Vape Pot Swappot Shop™ will be coming in early 2017.

The best aspect of the Stealthvape Vape Pot™ is that it is 100% recyclable. Should you decide that the collection is not for you the pots have a multitude of other uses: containing things, storing stuff and randomly stacking to make a modern art installation. Owners accept full responsibility if the pots are used for these purposes as they have not been designed for this as their primary use. All Stealthvape Vape Pots™ are guaranteed genuine unless opened. We can’t accept any liability for people becoming addicted to collecting Stealthvape Vape Pots™.

*Please note, any similarity between this awesome idea and any ridiculous items currently being sold on eBay is purely coincidental. Also, our Stealthvape Vape Pots ™ are not just empty jars from Poundland being sold for an obscene profit and anybody saying different is a liar.

News that we are going to launch the Stealthvape International World Vape Championathon will come as no surprise to vapers who keep abreast of our ground-breaking activities. As much as the general public get aroused over other people throwing things or hitting balls with sticks, we are convinced that Sky and the BBC will be fighting between themselves to nail a contract to screen our event. Vapers are the public’s darlings.

It is almost certain that this will be a global happening – but what will it involve?

We are going to take the world’s favourite sporting events and tweak them with a vaping edge. Many people believe that an activity such as synchronised swimming would be vastly improved with the addition of lions and sharks in the pool. While we might agree, it is not easy to find lions or sharks in Basingstoke – the new home of the Stealthvape International World Vape Championathon. Instead, we plan on getting a thousand vapers to cloud the top of the pool rendering anything taking place totally unseen.

We’re betting you’ll agree that motorbikes jumping through flaming hoops are fantastic. So fantastic it’s incredible one has not been shown on television since 1972. True fact. And what about motorbikes racing on ice with spikes in their tyres? They’ve never been shown on television leading some to believe they’re a Biblical myth. Another true fact.

Worry no more: we’ll be mounting flaming hoops in the fog bank above the swimming pool. Ice tyres will spin, engines will roar and each rider will make the jump while fixing a leak in their Kayfun 4. It will be a thrilling heart-in-mouth spectacle as the synchronised swimmers will still be in the pool.

With the vape cloud replaced and any signs of carnage cleaned up, it’s time for the high dive competition. Prior to our bold moves, the most exciting thing about high diving was Tom Daley – and that was voted as being as exciting as waiting for someone to get ready for a night out by readers of Cosmopolitan Magazine. Yet a further true fact.

Leaping from the top of Basingstoke’s Skyline Plaza, divers will plummet the 18 floors while performing tumbles, tucks and filling the reasonably priced Sapor RTAs provided by the amazing folks at Vape Geek UK. As we can’t abide product placement, competitors will have to do it nude to avoid swimwear promotion. Hopefully someone will have remembered to fill the pool after clearing out the bodies and motorcycle parts.

Clearly, this will have wetted you appetite and you are yearning for more information. Once we have tied up the broadcasting contract and paid off the remaining Basingstoke councillors we’ll publish further details, until then set aside the first ten days in October 2019 for the Stealthvape International World Vape Championathon.

In my head I’m picturing the tall bad guy and his bowler-hatted henchman in The Man With the Golden Gun: sun, sea, sand and Britt Ekland as Mary Goodnight. I’m pretty happy to bet Love Island isn’t all about lasers and world domination as the ultimate goal, but not enough to go to a bookies.

Learning new stuff, discovering things, is the preserve of the young and foolhardy. They can take risks. They can, if so inclined, watch Big Brother to discover how Gary Dafthair reacts to what Gloria Pagethree-Model did in the house pond. I can’t do that now because the bulk of my allotted years are behind me and I feel the pressing surge of mortality. Not only might I forget things if I learn new stuff but I run the risk it could be essential to me living a few weeks longer.

And so I rely on the ability to make snapshot judgements from morsels of opinion. If there’s a point of view given by a person I respect then I go with it. Film decisions are always made with deference to Mark Kermode‘s reviews. Even better, if someone I have little respect for expresses a liking for something then I’ll avoid it like the plague, which has meant I’ve never eaten Nandos, never watched Titanic and never heard a single song sung by Adele or Taylor Swift.

‘Oh but that’s just ignorant,’ they might say. And they are probably correct. Such is my level of ignorance it could well be that I’ve never watched Nandos, heard Titanic or eaten Taylor Swift. I simply don’t know – Taylor Swift could be a rugged builder or a new kind of coffee. But whatever it is they all do or are I’ve not done it. Just like I’ve never watched Love Island.

The thing is, if I wanted to know more about Love Island or Bruno Mars I could switch on the TV or Google. I reckon there are websites and news stories and video files by the bucket load. If I waded through them all I could become the world’s foremost authority on all things Selena Gomez. If I wanted.

And that’s what irks me about the restrictions being imposed by the Tobacco Products Directive. Once I’d delved into the plethora of bytes dedicated to Twilight I’d be able to decide for myself that, on balance, it was an awesome series of films (as my daughter seems to think). Or not. Almost probably definitely not. But if I’m a smoker then the only thing on offer to me now are things like Daily Mail stories, shared on social media, telling me how ecigs contain “toxic substances such as embalming fluid and weed killer.”

There’s one thing condemning people to ignorance of something 95% safer than smoking, it’s another thing entirely when the bulk of permissible coverage is nothing but an outright lie. Right, time to find out what this whole Big Brother thing is…I hear someone did something incredible.

“Sexy? How do we make this thing sexy? Hang on, why does vaping even need to be sexy, you mad fool?”

Good questions.

Right from the outset, it was obvious that the anti-vaping lobby were worried about sexy advertising. Remember the ab-dabs they had after that advert appeared on television? That one where the woman was talking about doing something incredibly dirty but they pretended it was about vaping? That one The Telegraph described as “sexy as watching someone gutting fish”? Yea, that one. Blimey they hate sexy more than most people hate having to answer the door, when they were on the toilet, only to find it’s people wanting to explain the delights Heaven can offer. They really hate sexy.

It’s because sexy offers a promise of a life only granted to the rich and famous. Well, Fat Dylan claims to be part of life too but it’s common knowledge he lives with his Mum and has never seen Game Of Thrones. There’s no way someone who hasn’t seen GoT leads a sexy life.

And the thing is this; smokers aren’t going to know about the different life they could lead without sexy vape ads. They aren’t going to hanker for a strawberry eliquid if they’ve never seen one, if they haven’t looked on in wonder and wanted to be that person. Or with that person.

So it’s us – we are the sexy advert. Everywhere we go, everything we do, we’ve got to exude the very essence of sexy. Now, for you and me it’s going to be pretty easy. We are sexy beasts. For Fat Dylan it’s going to be a struggle given that he still has half a Full English sitting in his beard from last Friday.

Step 1: Doing the McCririck. It’s all about clothes and style. In order to appear sexy you just look at a picture of John McCririck and not wear anything that John McCririck would wear. Instantly sexy. Well, sexier than John McCririck – and that’s definitely sexier than Fat Dylan.

Step 2: Doing the Ryan. Whenever, wherever, you are vaping just recall the Meg Ryan scene from When Harry Met Sally. Inhale, run your fingers through your hair, lean back, exhale and moan. Try to make it more ‘French foreign film’ moan, as Brits tend to only do the ‘ten things I hate about my life today’ moan. If you don’t have any hair then just improvise. Spaghetti, wool, anything that comes to hand that you could superglue on and flick.

Instantly, people are going to look at you and want to be a part of your life. They will want to be you, with you, on you like fungus and living inside your skin like a cutaneous larva.

Can you imagine this? Two and a half million sexy vapers strutting around being idolised? The future is ours. The future is sexy vaping.