Author Archives: Rob Ellard

Surströmming. What is it? Where does it come from? Can a doctor clear it up if it’s caught early enough? The answer is that we don’t know. Well, we know it’s herring, but shortly after you appreciate this fact everything becomes a huge bucketload of “You what?!”

For reasons only known to themselves, 16^th Century Swedes took rotten Baltic sea herrings and fermented them for a minimum of six months until they got all bitter and incredibly stinky. Then they ate them. At least some of them did. Enough for the next generation of Swedes to give it a go too. And so on. Until the Internet was invented and the world discovered Surströmming – and also found out that almost all Swedes have never heard of it until they read the Internet.

But it’s hardly caviar or a juicy burger, what gives it an element of desirability? It could be the retch-inducing stench when the tin is opened, it could be the repulsive taste – but we reckon it’s because of the bans.

First off, European politicians (being European politicians) tried to ban the fearsome fishy feast because it is too high in polychlorinated biphenyl. We simply aren’t allowed to make our own choices, right? Anyway, Sweden won a special concession on the basis that they made a good argument or invented Vikings or something.

Then it was time for British Airways and Air France to led all of the airline companies in bringing in their own ban. They argued that the fermentation caused the tins to become pressurised – and therefore constituted little fishy bombs that could go off without any notice.

The Swedish Surströmming Academy cried out: “Oh for Cods hake!” They pointed out flights should ban champagne and French cheese as it posed as much risk.

But when things get banned people become interested in seeing it, touching it and trying it. The plane operators did more than the politicians could manage with a deft swish of a pen on a document: they made Surströmming interesting to the world. They made Surströmming a little bit sexy.

And so our government has launched its big plan to combat the remaining problem of stubborn smoking-related diseases in the UK. They see vaping as a major part of the solution, which is nice. But our message to them is simple: make vaping devices illegal and force liquid manufacturers to make juices smell bad, taste awful and come in sealed tins. Remaining smokers know all about ecigs, they are choosing not to use them – so give them a reason, make it exciting like Surströmming.

The Department of Health said today: “We are at a pivotal point where an end is in sight and a smoke-free generation a reality”

The plan offers up much-welcomed prospects, applauded across the industry, by intimating that we will see them roll back the nonsensical restrictions on atomiser tank size and the strength/size of juice bottles. More than that, the launch of the document included advice to all employers and business owners that vaping is not included in the smoking ban. Moreover, it has been suggested that employers should encourage smokers and ex-smokers to vape in the workplace.

Mark Pawsey MP: “In particular I am pleased that Public Health England’s anti-smoking campaigns will now positively reference their vaping advice and that the government has committed to relook at relevant legislation as we exit the EU.”

Will Hill, British American Tobacco: “It is right that the government will review the measures imposed by the EU following Brexit and recognises that they have not been effective in delivering what they set out in doing.”

New Nicotine Alliance: “The government’s commitment to review the TRPR, with a view to altering those provisions which relate to e-cigarettes and the commitment to communicate accurate information about the relative risks of harm reduced products are, in particular, to be applauded.”

Simon Clark, FOREST: “In the 21st-century tobacco control policies should focus on harm reduction products, not prohibition and other restrictive practices.”

Duncan Selbie, Public Health England: “We are at a pivotal point where an end is in sight and a smoke-free generation a reality. But the final push, reaching the most vulnerable and disadvantaged, will undoubtedly be the hardest. Only by everyone pulling together can we hope to end the loss of life and suffering smoking has wreaked for far too long. Public Health England will do everything possible to make this happen.”

Deborah Arnott, ASH UK: “Funding must be found if the government is to achieve its vision of a ‘smokefree generation’.”

Sharon Hodgson, MP: “Whilst the plan sets out a bold approach to creating a smoke-free society, what it fails to do is recognise the deep cuts being inflicted upon local councils who are seeing their public health budgets slashed.”

The nonsense that has seen storeowners have to slash prices on liquids and equipment, to throwaway levels, caused emotional and financial pain that will never be reversed. But moving forward, reversing the more idiotic aspects of the Tobacco Products Directive is something to be welcomed as it allows consumer choice once again, and will work better for smokers looking to switch to vaping. It’s taken a long time to get here, but we warmly welcome the new tobacco control plan.

By the 80s, spy stuff was getting smaller and more affordable. People had worked out that the X-ray Spex in the back of American comics were as useful as a kazoo in a storm. The advent of the Internet made it easy to stalk strangers, as information was just a few clicks away. But the world was turning. Those secrets you had that could only be revealed by the Sunday papers once you were famous – those secrets were finding their way into the public domain.

Marketing people talked about ABC1s as if everybody fell neatly into little bands based on Edwardian social structures. But these red-rimmed agents of Hell were plotting something more insidious.

Big Business (boo!) sussed out they could collect lots of little bits of information about you, flotsam like you buy Anchor butter and KY jelly. On its own, it means nothing other than you are a toast eater with the need for a water-based lubricant. But sew it together with other trinkets of data and they paint a portrait of such unerring depth you’d wonder how they obtained your hidden diary.

You deviant.

For this very reason, I now complete online quizzes differently every time. One minute I’m telling YouGov I’m an astronaut in Cheadle, the next I’m a semi-professional Marxist rebel in High Wycombe. And this will work very well at protecting my data.

I’ve got my lies, I’ve got my firewall, I’ve got my VPN – nobody is getting to my secret stuff. Nobody. Until I plug my mod into the USB port, apparently.

It’s not new news. In 2014, as part of the anti-vape brigade’s attempts to scare people away from switching, they spread the myth that e-cigs spread special vape AIDS to computers. Or something. We laughed, they wagged a finger and tutted, we all moved on. But then they raised their eyebrows and reminded the room that a Samsung photo frame tried to kill babies. We ignored them and they went away.

Now, on Twitter, someone has brought the whole thing tumbling back into focus.

Sorry if I get vape pens banned at your work place…… pic.twitter.com/VYhIIvyDEx

”” Wll buy derby ticket (@FourOctets) 25 May 2017

Ever eager to keep things in balance, Cesare Garlarti, chief security strategist at prpl Foundation, has run around screaming: “The security of the internet of things is fundamentally broken.”

To put things into perspective, the WannaCry worm was a 4MB file – it would never fit onto the spare memory in an ecig. This isn’t to say it might not be possible in the future, but at the moment the greatest threat to your personal data is the dumb Facebook thing that’ll tell you what kind of Marvel superhero you are. I’m Squirrel Girl.

“Dear Stealthvape“, writes one reader. “I used to love vaping – until the TPD came. I’m 62 and have fading eyesight, I haven’t been able to locate my tiny tank for the last two weeks.” Shocking stuff, oh hang on, there’s a PS: “P.S. I’ve no idea how I read your article either.”

We mentioned that every occurrence of “maximum” in the TPD II will be altered to “minimum” in our TPD III paper. So, 2ml tanks will now be the smallest you can buy and everybody will have to get used to buying super-sized bottles. True, it’s been pointed out that not everybody wants to be sub-ohming 20mg+, but we think vapers will get used to it in time.

“Dear Stealthvape,” writes another reader. “I’ve been reading your second article about the TPD and it makes a lot of sense. What I would suggest is that if we are going to have juice that’s seven times stronger that our usual liquids then all we need to do is spend seven times less time inhaling.”

Wow! Sometimes you people amaze us, what genius. A solution that’s more elegant than a mathematical problem solved by Leonhard Euler. Reducing vaping times by a factor of seven could be a huge selling point to the public health community. It’s snappy, just the kind of thing that’s vital when conveying complex ideas to people too busy banking their pharmaceutical company cheques to be bothered doing proper research.

Another aspect of TPD II that fell short of the mark was that of public safety. It has become glaringly obvious that vapers need protecting – not from shoddy products but from the actions of stupid vapers. The market is suffering from the bad publicity caused by these stupid vapers who seem to be oblivious to how one should store juice or charge a battery. Also, stupid journalists who don’t know the difference between their gluteus maximus and their cubitus.

Take this tale, for example:

Laura White saw smoke coming out of her handbag. “Oh no,” she probably thought. “I wonder what could be causing that?”

The answer, according to both Laura and Lindsey Hamilton (reporter for the Dundee Evening Telegraph), was that her “e-cigarette lighter” had exploded into flames for no reason at all. Go, go click on the link and marvel at “Laura White, manageress of Douglas Sports Club, with her handbag and the e-cigarette lighter.”

“Only five weeks ago, it was in a suitcase in the hold of a plane as we flew off on holiday. I dread to think what would have happened if it had caught fire in the bag in the plane.”

Consequently, the major change in TPD III will be a section that stipulates people like Laura have to pass an exam in Mod Ownership before being allowed to make any purchases – and they will have to complete an online quiz when attempting to buy plane tickets.

“Dear Stealthvape,” writes our final person. “I live in Dundee, and I agree with everything you’ve just said.”

Farmer Eavis invited us because he said he wants a better world and, from what he could gather, our constant striving to bring you products that improve your life made us the number one inspirational choice.

We strode onto the ‘Almost As Good As The Main’ stage and were blown away by the crowds. Seriously, if you think the chanting for Corbyn was a bit unreal, you’ve heard nothing till you’ve heard a few fields slurring “Oh, St-eal-eal-eal-eal-thvape!”

We know what hippies like, we know how to make stuff better. The Stealthvape helicopter dropped blessings of plasters for little boo boos, cups of rainbows for the slightly weepy, and free chainsaws for the bored children. What do you mean children can’t have chainsaws – don’t oppress the masses! We aren’t stupid, they’re kiddie chainsaws designed for little hands, built from lighter materials and tinier.

The crowds were there for Stealthvape, and Khruangbin, and Carter Sampson, and the Funktion One Experimental Soundfield. Not that you’d have known it from the Biased Broadcasting Corporation’s coverage. The coverage we never saw because, like we said, we were busy actually being there – like the pictures prove.

We were busy sharing outdoors toilets with popular Radio 1 DJs like Dave Lee Travis and Jonathan King. We were busy with Radiohead, catching a case of salmonella from a tempura tofu stall. We were busy at the First Aid hut, after displacing three vertebrae while camping.

We saw such wonders. We witnessed The David Davis MP Talking To Yourself stage, and The Katie Hopkins Field of Toilet Sewage.

It’s totally true – we would never lie. Unlike the American Lung Association that has repeated its claims that vaping is as dangerous as smoking. If we didn’t know better, we would swear that we were busy all of the Glastonbury weekend and the American Lung Association went and took lots of psychedelic drugs. They are either massive liars or simply occupy a separate reality from the rest of us.

The Cochrane Review states that vaping is far safer than smoking. The Royal College of Physicians says that ecigs should be promoted widely as a substitute for smoking. Public Health England states that vaping is at least 95% safer than smoking.

You need to get your act together, American Lung Association. You need to stop lying, confusing current smokers and perpetuating a situation whereby they put off switching to something far, far safer.

Our lies are, at worst, a bit dull – your lies are killing people.

Just as an aside, can you imagine how depressing it was for a science teacher in 2011 to be told by a class that there’s no point to doing homework as the world was ending in 2012: “it’s in a film, sir”? Sigh.

Everyone everywhere thought TPD2 was as terrible as TPD1 – except for a voting block dominated by one person, who told them when to raise their little bits of card. In all probability, she simply guessed when to do it as no one had a clue what was going on. Then they all went off to fill in their expense claim forms and go eat croissants.

There are various rules to films. Firstly, almost always, the science has to be wrong. As children, film directors were most probably sitting at the back of science classrooms pushing chewing gum into gas taps. This is why they make a point of annoying science teachers now in their day jobs. Secondly: Trilogies suck. Directors will make one decent film and lump it in with two bits of rubbish just to upset science teachers when they go to the cinema. Star Wars, The Godfather and The Matrix are all cases in point.

Anyway, looking outside today’s window: what is clear is that nothing is clear after the election. Losers are running about claiming they won, winners are sulking because they think they lost, and small woodland creatures are breathing a sigh of relief that a person on a horse might not be coming to bludgeon them to death with the root of a 2,000-yr old tree. Or something. They simply don’t know. Nor do we. The only thing running through Theresa May’s head now is a mental image of her running through some corn.

Therefore, it is quite clear something needs to happen, and we aren’t sure what: it could be a new general election, it could be everybody trying to get along and agree on things, it could be that imaginative people writing blogs come up with new policies. Yep, that’s it; we’ll go with the last one.

Does Brexit mean Brexit any longer? The categorical answer is ‘maybe’, especially if ‘maybe’ is said like a teenage girl would say it (with a rising inflexion turning every statement into a question). So, we propose, the TPD means TPD III, it’s going to be like (appropriately) The Empire Strikes Back; where TPD I was the one with teddy bears and TPD II can be the one with Jar Jar Binks.

We are only proposing small tweaks. For example, by changing the word “maximum” to “minimum” we suddenly get all of the decent tanks back in stores. The paper has been written; Stealthvape’s proposal for TPD III is on its way.

It’s not my fault that he got the cane; I didn’t say a thing because I’d no idea who’d pushed me. Anyway, no one was asking because that was all taking place in a head teacher’s office and I was in a casualty department having my head sewn back together.

Roll on a few years and I’m sitting listening to the lilting yet soporific drawl of a Scottish doctor. His years of experience clearly taught him that drowsy children kick up less as you stab them with needles. As he tied my fingers back to stem the flood of red, I wondered how many more times I’d have thread used to keep me together.

Six. Six times more. Two more head accidents, one hand through a greenhouse, the same hand through a front door’s plate of glass, a piece of surgery I’d rather not discuss in public, and the final time following an accident with a knife. In short, I know all about stiches.

This week there has been a bit of consternation in the world of juice makers. Stealthvape has been around since the dawn of the industry. It has seen people come into the market with their home brews, gradually take things more seriously and grow in respected businesses – and friends.

The thing that marked out vaping as a different business to be in was that so many, regardless of what they were offering, treated other businesses as friends, offering help and support so that they could grow as well. A lot of that camaraderie still exists even though we are all snowed under with the increased work requirement due to the effort of complying with legislation. You can see this at events like Vape Fest – vendors sharing tents and hotel rooms, beers and laughs. Customers too have become long-term friends following forum interactions.

It’s why bathtub brewing will always be frowned upon now. Everybody who is a major name in juice making started in their kitchen, but quickly went to great lengths to demonstrate the efforts they were making to be responsible with respect to hygiene and sterilisation. They’d start posting pictures of a new process, then a new machine – then dedicated facilities. They’d receive support and encouragement in the early days and become professional. They had clear intentions of making something reliable and worthy for the community to buy and use.

And some idiots never had any intention of doing anything other than ripping you off with shoddy products.

“As you all know,” one such bathtub brewer writes, “tpd has changed the way we vape and buy our vape.. however the tpd does not apply to [their trade name here] as we don’t supply for human consumption.”

The genius thinks he has discovered a wonderful way to avoid complying with any legislation. Unfortunately, having the word ‘Vape’ in the business name kinda destroys that plan. It’s not a loophole – it’s just a display of rank stupidity.

Some people might ask what is wrong with folks buying cheap, they know they’re getting something that might contain dust, pubic hairs or bits of leftover sandwich – but that’s their choice, right? They know they could spend far more than £7.50 for 30ml, they choose not to. They know there could be urine or excrement from a pet in there, right?

Sure, as long as they are happy with what they’re doing then fine, that’s their call. But, odds are that most buying his cheapy juice haven’t thought about what nasties could lurk inside the bottles; he certainly isn’t telling them.

And we don’t live in a little bubble. What one disreputable bloke in Telford does reflects on the wider community. We are still fighting those who’d seek to place stricter controls on vaping; there are people who would see use in public and all flavours banned. Irresponsible people operating illegally do nothing but give them ammunition. The mind-set would be: if we can’t police ourselves and don’t conform to the legislation in place then maybe total banning is the way forward.

And then there’s the matter of it simply not being right that someone can produce nasty stuff in his bedroom, with no measures taken to ensure any level of hygiene standards – while other juice makers, our friends, have had to commit tens of thousands of pounds to be legally compliant. It’s not fair to them, it isn’t fair to the people buying the juice and it’s not fair to the whole community.

So, knowing all about stitches, we’re more than happy to point out these bathtub brewers can be reported to:

• https://www.tradingstandards.uk/consumers/support-advice
• Or, Citizens Advice Consumer Service – 03454 04 05 06
• And, “ªhttps://yellowcard.mhra.gov.uk

Firstly, if you want to begin to knock vaping then start off by pointing out that smokers are still smoking even if they’re using an electronic cigarette. Yes, this isn’t true (in the sense that it’s totally factually incorrect), but you are guaranteed to have annoyed the vaper sufficiently that they will now be actively and animatedly engaging with you. It might be a touch more shouty than normal conversation levels, but this is really good if you’re hard of hearing.

Now, providing pushing hasn’t begun, tell the vaper all about flavours. All they need to know is that flavours are wrong. They are wrong because it simply makes people enjoy vaping. We all know that important things aren’t pleasurable: making an insurance claim, moving home, voting and open-heart surgery are all known to be exceptionally tedious or disconcerting. Nothing is more important to your bowels than a good portion of roughage a day. Is roughage tasty and full of flavour? No. Yet everybody loves ice cream and candyfloss. So, there, proof that making eliquid full of flavour is bad and therefore someone should make a law that compels all juice makers to only produce from a prescribed list. The list should only include the following flavours: cabbage, lettuce, rice, sawdust and earwax.

By this point, most vapers will be sagely nodding in agreement with you. You’ve made good points, you argued them well, and you’ve won them over to the side of common sense. But there will always be one

You will need to elevate your voice so that they can hear, bellow: “I like to think about children!” The point being that the red-faced ignoramus opposite you never thinks about children because he or she is always too busy sucking on a metal rod. The fools. You, on the other hand, know that thinking about children all day makes you a compassionate and caring person.

Tell the vaper that children might pick up their vape stick and become addicted to it. Maybe they think it’s cool? Maybe they think it makes them look grown-up like the trendy people they’ve seen on the Internet? Maybe they see themselves as becoming a trendsetter like David Dorn or hip and happening like those folks in ECITA? How cool are they going to appear when the vaping stick explodes or they go through the vape gateway to drugs?

You will now be asking yourself: “How do I know all these vaper people will listen to me?” The answer is simple and true, because vapers are always open to new evidence and are actively interested in helping to develop the products and the direction of the market. Vapers, vape companies and vape manufacturers have been listening to each other and experts for years – so they are bound to give you a warm welcome wherever you see a number of them gathering.

Good luck with convincing vapers they are doing everything wrong, the world needs more people like you.

This week, the American Council for Science and Health (ACSH) tell the tale of a microbead paper. The researchers claimed their investigation produced data proving that young fish prefer to eat plastic microbeads rather than the usual yummy items that fish would otherwise eat. It was published in the respected Science journal in June 2016.

Science is brilliant – except for when those working in it create works of fiction to suit private agendas or as acts of self-promotion. This microbead study was almost universally greeted with responses ranging from suspicion to accusations of fraud. Eventually Science issued an “expression of concern” about the work.

Even so, after ten months, the original paper still stood. It’s taken a full review by Sweden’s Central Ethical Review Board to push matters forward. Fabricated data is now claimed by the researchers to have been stolen, methods were carried out that the lab didn’t have equipment for and timeframes are all awry.

The article has now been retracted from public viewing, ACSH has published a detailed account of the sorry tale – but is that enough? The memory of fish preferring tiny bits of plastic will persist and, in many ways, that sums up a lot of the corrupt science surrounding vaping.

It should be pointed out here that nobody is accusing the researchers from the University of Louisville’s Tobacco Regulation and Addiction Centre of producing an intentionally dodgy piece of work ground in lies – that would be the very last thing on anybody’s mind. No, they probably tried their very hardest to ensure that their work on the presence of formaldehyde in vape was of the very highest standard.

Just to prove how serious they are about ensuring the highest standards in their research, the team looked at one other previous paper to see how vapers vape. Then they looked at an overview of published material on how vapers vape and ignored the bits they didn’t like or understand. Consequently, they worked out that vapers like cigalikes and 4yr-old variable voltage mods paired with Evods. Plus, the vapers using the Evods like to take four-second hits at 4.2, 4.7 and 5 volts.

Amazingly, and you’d better sit down for this bit as it’ll come as a big surprise, Team Louisville discovered that ecigs produce aldehydes of all different hues. If you hadn’t heard about this before then you will as soon as their press release hits the news-desks of Britain’s favourite tabloid fish and chip wrapping.

Any superficial examination of the subject would produce the clear information that aldehydes are only produced in atomisers experiencing slight to full-blown dry hits, and yet this seems to have eluded Louisville‘s finest?

It may not be dishonest, but the work is certainly shameful. Here’s to a retraction in approximately ten months