Black Friday

As the hordes push through town centres like extras from The Walking Dead, anything slightly resembling a shop becomes a site for carnage and destruction. It doesn’t matter if the building is a home or somewhere to buy buns, they don’t care because they have a thirst to sate. The zombies hunger for consumer electrical products, they dive into a feeding frenzy the second the scent a 48†flat screen television – especially if it’s a brand name nobody has heard of before.

The thing is there’s just no guarantee they won’t mistake a home for one of those small local supermarkets. These shuffling, red-faced trolley pushers aren’t the sharpest knives in the cutlery drawer – it’s just the kind of thing they’d do in their quest to buy the seventeen toasters they don’t need.

If you want to join us in locking down your home and protecting those you love, start off by laying strips of Legos across the road either side of your home. On one hand, the Lego block is strong enough to survive the weight of a fully laden articulated lorry, so traffic will carry on unimpeded, but a line of them will provide an impassable barrier to the trollies.

Then it’s time to break out the full collection of vape devices from wherever you store them. Pile up the blankets, duvets, one hosepipe, a lilo pump and a large supply of ready charged lithium-ion batteries. Obviously, if you haven’t already erected a metal hoarding fence then get out there and do it now. We need the atomisers attacked to the hose and being powered by the pump along the length of the barrier. The aim is to provide a fog bank of vape, what these people can’t see they can’t queue up next to.

The last line is for when all is forsaken. If the defences are breached then you don’t want them touching then engaging you in conversation about Ant and Dec. This is how normal people get turned.

If it comes to this, there’s no point thinking about what might have been. Grab cotton wicks and set fire to them. We’ve no idea if this will help but we’re reasonably sure the light and sounds will attract them away from where we are. Sorry, but it’s every person for themselves.

Good luck.