It’s the highlight of every holiday season. It is the thing old age pensioners cling to and young fresh faces joyfully gawk at. Nobody buys it all year round – but come Christmas [formally known as the winter seasonal holiday] newsagents stock up on copies of the Stealthvape TV Radio Times.

As inevitable as woman with a crown talking on the television after Xmas turkey, Santa is coming for you bearing gifts of a vape variety. Of course, logic says that we should be clearing stuff on the stand to make room. Logic says we can only use so many devices at one moment in time. But when did common sense enter into it?

It’s that time of year where the wrong type of leaves can prevent public transport from completing its allotted mission. Instead of getting home to screaming children and upset spouses, commuters are cast onto cold platforms to wait, and watch shapes escaping from their mouths into the chilled air.

We’ve smashed the last nail into the wooden boards, the barbed wire is in place and the metal sheeting looks like it might last. Forgive us if we vanish for 48hours, but it gets scary out there this time of year. Hide the children in cupboards, turn all the lights off – all of us just might make it through to Monday in one piece.

The greatest global corporations started life as a cluttered desk and a small window to the world. Tesco came into being after T. E. Stockwell sold a case of tea to Mr. Cohen. Businesses grow like families, and all families need planning, financial planning. As part of our quest to become a dominant international brand, we are delighted to announce the launch of the Bank of Stealthvape.

The world opened up to vaping in 2014. Finally, on the back of huge home market growth, vapers took centre stage in news and current affairs. More than that, ‘Vape’ was made word of the year by Oxford Dictionaries. How appropriate is it that in 2016, as vaping faces its greatest challenges in the UK and overseas, the new word of the year is ‘Post-truth’?

Advocates say one thing, anti-vape campaigners say another; one side gets angry and the others up their game as they strive to win the argument. The cycle goes on and nobody seems to be winning. What we need is common ground, a shared experience to bring us all together. So we arranged a sporting event.

It’s that time of year when supermarkets are full of plastic masks and multipacks of sweets. So, come join us. Sit down by the campfire, grab a marshmallow on a stick and listen to our tale – but be warned, it’s very scary. It’s like the new episode of The Walking Dead only without humour and sense of bonhomie.

“What are your plans, Stealthvape? How are you preparing for life in the apocalyptic 2017 TPD landscape?” Questions like this have cropped up with such a lack of frequency that it seemed like just the sort of thing we should address. So, as long as everybody promises not to nick our ideas here’s what is in the pipeline.

It has come to our attention that some juice manufacturers are playing fast and loose with their branding. They are busy emulating the design work, logos and slogans of successful cereal, confectionary and bakery companies. Our considered and definitely serious opinion is below.