Category Archives: Uncategorized

Welcome to the Stealthvape Bowl for the very first international Vape Cup friendly. Taking the pitch today is the home side Advocates Athletic and Public Health Disunited, our visitors. The grass has been relayed with AstroTurf for today’s match as a special concession to this afternoon’s guests.

Athletic will be playing in the positive green strip, Disunited are wearing the all-white kit provided by Big Pharma, their sponsors. Although they look clean before kick off it will be interesting to note if the white shirts and shorts look distinctly grubby come full time.

As a unique twist on the old ‘jumpers for goalposts’, each team constructed their own goals prior to kick off – using copies of their respective research reports. I’m looking over now at Athletic’s goal; a solid edifice compromising of the Royal College of Physicians’ study and bound copies of the Public Health England report. I would like to say the same about Disunited’s too, but the piles of CDC reviews and pharma-funded surveys appear to be falling apart with closer inspection.

The ref has blown for kick-off but Stanton Glantz is refusing to touch the football. It looks like he’s complaining that the shape is the same as balls used by people who smoke. Advocates’ captain, Konstantinos Farsalinos, has magnanimously agreed to let the opposition use their ball – which is fetched by their professional Australian right whinger Simon Chapman. Chapman brings a wealth of expertise to his side as he’s always playing games on Twitter.

So we’re finally off. But what’s this? Linda McAvan has picked up the ball and is running to Disunited’s bench. It looks like she’s planning on sitting there and instructing her side to ignore the opposition. And the referee. And the crowd. This is ridiculous; surely she knows she can’t simply make up her own rules?

This certainly isn’t making a great spectacle to watch. Peter Hajek and Linda Bauld have managed to wrestle the ball from McAvan’s hands. Up runs Jean Etter to take the free kick – fans of the game will know he goes by the nickname ‘The Professor’, because, well, he’s a professor. As are most of Athletic’s players.

The ball lands at Clive Bates’ feet, a delightful pass, and he ghosts past Martin McKee. It’s like McKee, Disunited’s left whinger, has no understanding of the game. It’s clear that McKee can only be here for the half-time snacks.

Bates sends the ball forward. It’s West to Stimson. Stimson through to Sweanor. Sweanor is clear in on goal oh, but that’s a horrible challenge from Mark Drakeford and a clear penalty. Michael Siegel steps up and slots the ball home like he always does. Disunited will be unhappy but they are used to being called out for playing dirty.

The match finishes in a clear victory for the vape advocates although the margin is uncertain as Disunited’s manager, Dr Margaret Chan, went on to score an uncountable number of own-goals during the post-match press conference.

And for the losing team of anti-vape campaigners: cheer up, it’s only a game. Shame that access to vape technology is more of a life and death thing.

This year has been slated as one wreaking havoc and carnage at every turn, momentous global events and the loss of respected entertainers. Vaping has never been under such pressure from legislators and officious public health dictators – so how about we pull a leaf from the Brexit and Trump campaigns?

Let’s be fair, the California Department of Public Health open that door when it launched its Still Blowing Smoke campaign. When Stanton Glantz drives along Research Highway, truth is just something standing on a corner he briefly waves at. It’s time for some post-truth pro-vaping facts to get out there.

POST-TRUTH VAPING FACT 1

Vaping is sexy. In studies we just made up: vapers report lasting longer than anybody else, having more partners than anybody else AND have orgasms that are 74.2% more enjoyable than other people’s.

POST-TRUTH VAPING FACT 2

Switching to electronic cigarettes has been linked to improved performance at work and more promotions. A leading researcher who doesn’t exist said: “In 7 out of 10 cases, someone who vaped occupied the more senior position and took home at least 20% of their salary in annual bonuses.” Having not spoken to a recruitment consultant, it transpires that vapers are more likely to be listed for interview at the application stage and are always offered the job on the spot.

POST-TRUTH VAPING FACT 3

Eliquid doesn’t contain any carcinogens when vaped. In fact, it carries all the danger of a puppy in a fluffy blanket in a room full of pillows. Since 2016, all juice manufacturers have replaced any diacetyl and aldehydes with happiness and love – which is what the rest of the liquid was anyway.

POST-TRUTH VAPING FACT 4

Vaping repels mosquitos, vermin, spiders and anything else you don’t like – such as people selling double-glazing. Anything that upsets you can now be cured with a quick vape.

We have launched a couple of products to accommodate the dawn of this new vaping era. We will no longer be selling reels of wire as two 5cm lengths will do everything you could hope for. They will never go black and can continually be reformed into different coil types.

Our new wick may look like all the old wicks, but this is post-truth wick. It really does wick faster, stays cleaner and tastes better than anything else. Of course, none of this may be true – but does anybody care anymore?

The logical step came about when we realized that we needed to emulate those who inspire confidence and admirations – and nobody is more respected than bankers. Except maybe traffic wardens. So the idea for Bank of Stealthvape was born. In the Tesco mold, we want to grow to become a cradle to the grave lifestyle company. No, we’ve no idea what that means either; we probably overheard it on The Apprentice.

Are you looking for a credit card? A loan or mortgage? Maybe you need somewhere safe to pop your savings? And then there are always our class-leading investment products. Bank smart, bank SV. You can tell we are a quality financial institution because we use Comic Sans in our logo.

It can’t have escaped anybody’s attention that the pound has been tanking ever since we voted to do something that hasn’t happened. We’re no financial experts, not a prerequisite to setting up a bank, but we’re willing to bet the sterling continues to slump. That’s what you are relying on, our gut feelings over the future. And our gut tells us that you need to act now.

Bank of Stealthvape is offering you to grab hold of real pounds before they are worth less. Or worthless. As a special introductory offer you can turn those online banking pounds (that only exist on a computer screen) into real hard cash coin. Act now before your eBanking pounds plummet – you can buy genuine hard cash currency pounds from Bank of Stealthvape for ONLY ONE POUND. That is correct, you can’t lose: £1 in metal cash that can’t shrink for each £1 of made-up computer money. *Plus dealer fees, commission and a transaction charge

We know what you’re thinking, you’re thinking about Tesco Banking. You’re thinking that Bank of Stealthvape might be vulnerable to the same 12-yr old hacker who took 40,000 of their customers to the cleaners. It’s either that or you’re thinking about cheese.

The important thing is this, Tesco know about baked beans – we know about trying to nick people’s money. Tesco overlooked an important flaw in their system and one we have eliminated from Bank of Stealthvape: hackers can’t log into your account because we aren’t going to allow anybody access to the accounts.

Our current account has been designed to make it impossible for anybody but us to access. Plus, you can plan how to spend your SVBank points™ as you sit back and relax in the knowledge that your money couldn’t be any safer. Every tenner saved earns you an SVBank point™ – and points make prizes.

We have teamed up with a number of partners who will accept our reward points. Currently, these include Bexhill’s USA Fried Chicken, the CEMEX Denge quarry in Lydd and the Dartford-Thurrock River Crossing. You don’t enjoy luxuries like these with Nectar points.

All applications to open a new Bank of Stealthvape bank account should be made in writing on the back of a signed blank cheque and accompanied with your card details and PIN number. This, we should point out, is an essential part of our security checks to make sure that no fraudsters get inside the bank.

Until next time, you can always bank on Stealthvape.

Good branding isn’t just important to a business, it’s essential. It is the lifeblood of a company because it’s what differentiates the products from all of the others in the marketplace. Graphic designers, copywriters and assorted marketing executive idiots called Nigel give up days of their lives to attend brainstorming meetings. They slave over ideas that would make the ones entertained in The Apprentice seem great. It takes time, experience and dedication to produce something good.

So, no wonder some juice makers think it’s a good idea to piggyback on the advertising and promotion of others. We just feel that if they’re going to do it they ought to be going the whole way; why stop at just taking Sara Lee’s cake designs or Pokemon’s slogan?

For a starter they should be changing their company names to sound like one of the giants in the consumer industry like Unilever, Apple or Poundland. Forget all that vape nonsense, go for the jugular; it makes no sense if you’re simply going to steal a brand identity without going the whole hog.

Plus, if you are running a company producing these knock-off juices, what on earth are you thinking of by not changing your own name too? Why be Dylan Jones when the stroke of a pen (and swish of a blade for men) can transform you into Delia Smith? Delia Smith who owns a juice firm now called Marks & Spencer Liquids. Do away with the worry of trying to build yourself a name in the market place, now you have one instantly and we’re going to choose not to mention the one most vapers call you, children may be reading.

Or go the whole hog.

As you already hold a reviled position within the community, why not opt to be known as Sir Phillip Green? You’re now just one step away from the final transformation. All property is theft, right? To date you’ve been happy to make do with intellectual property but there is so much more out there for the ambitious eliquid entrepreneur.

Don’t bother with stupid overheads from renting business premises, set up a trestle table inside the nearest shopping centre food court. “Go away, stupid security guard,” you can exclaim, “for I am Delia Smith/ Sir Phillip Green and I own this whole pantheon to consumerism.”

Which brings you to the culmination of the transformation. Instead of stealing ideas and riding on the backs of others, while bringing vaping into disrepute, you can now do away with the whole messy liquid making process too. People in shopping centres have money, you want their money – steal it.

Stealthvape are available for business development consultancy services to the whole dodgy sector of the juice industry. Not next Thursday though as we’re launching our new range of Marvel(ous) wire: Colossus kanthal with free Wolverine wick.

Images stolen from Wikipedia and Pixabay

Ever since vaping was laughably lumped in with tobacco products we’ve been the butt of every crank with an axe to grind. Nicotine is the evil, according to Martin McKee (Mary Whitehouse impersonator) and Mark Drakeford (Spit the Dog impressionist). Nicotine, they contend, comes from tobacco leaves and is therefore going to drag innocent children from playground and thrust them into smoking shelters.

What we need, we reason, is an alternative to vaping just in case the going gets really tough. What we all need, we concluded, is to sell you a range of new and enjoyable to use products. We looked at a couple of pictures of McKee & Drakeford until we started to feel queasy. We asked ourselves, “What kind of nicotine products could we sell that these two portly gentlemen wouldn’t get into a sweaty wobble about?”

The answer was obvious: nicotine foods. The porcine pair of public health plonkers clearly adore eating between meals, there’s no way they can object.

For the recent ex-smoker or current users of high-nic liquids: Stealthmoussaka. It comes loaded with scrummy aubergine, a veggie that packs 100 nanograms of nicotine into every gram.

And what about those stepping their nic intake down a bit; those aiming at using nothing but nic-free foods in the future and hoping to become food free by a target date? Stealthbolognese will become the substitute of many. While the rich tomato puree doesn’t hold the kick of aubergine, you’ll still be able to get a great fix from the 52 nanograms per gram of nicotine.

Going down another step in nic, but not in taste, the great chefs at Stealthvape Towers have concocted our amazingly delicious Stealthcauliflowercheese. 16.8 scrumptious nanograms of nicotine with every gram of cauliflower makes this a great all-day vape replacement.

And finally, the potato range for those who enjoy impressing people by playing with their food, need to top up nicotine between meals or like to continually eat. Select either Stealthchips and Stealthcrisps, or use both at the same time – we don’t care, we’re not going to judge you if you want to refuel like Martin McKee.

————————————

*Stealthfood (especially Stealthchips and Stealthcrisps) is highly addictive – keep it out of reach of children and pets at all times.

*As with all nicotine products, take care to flush eyes or skin immediately with water should they come into contact with Stealthfoods. Seek full medical attention immediately in case of an accident, or if you feel unwell after eating Stealthfood.

*Stealthfood is for informed adults only. As a responsible vendor we will decline any purchase requests from people under 18 years old.

We must point out that we are an independent manufacturer/retailer and do not work for Big Potato or Big Eggplant. All Stealthfood products are designed to be digested, not inhaled in any form. We take no responsibility for misuse of Stealthfood products.

Having been approached by the BBC, there is going to be a brand new series replacing the old cake-based venture. “We thought about the Great British Skate Off, a show for people who like fishing. Then we considered the Great British Break Off, a show for clumsy types,” said a TV spokesperson.

“But then we realised that a show aimed at a demographic of 2.8million vapers would rope in their friends and families – and so the idea of the Great British Vape Off was born.”

“Truth be told, we had already decided that we’d had enough of the old format. OK, 13.4 million watched the one about biscuits or whatever, but it was getting more stale than a bun in the sun.”

The Great British Vape Off will build upon everything that was good about the old show – soft innuendo. “It’s prime time Carry On fun without Barbara Windsor’s bikini top popping off,” the spokesperson added. “But obviously, if ratings begin to flag we’ll look into getting Babs’ baps on.”

So, how bug could this show be? Are there enough double entendres? “The potential is huge: ‘Put it in my mouth’, ‘Wrap my lips around this one’, ‘The last time I was gripping something this solid ‘ and comments like ‘And you can lick your own drip tip’ will have audiences flocking to the set,” the spokesperson explained.

TV whimsy in a tent!

When the production company approached us to see what we thought we told them it was already taking place. This year, we said, Vapefest attracted over 23 million people. We might have embroiled the figure slightly but everything we know about forecasts and estimates we learnt from The Apprentice. In fact, we have taken so much from Lord Alan’s show that we are thinking about renaming ourselves Team Awesome and selling fields of ponies.

Flushed with success from our involvement with this, we are currently in discussions about fronting up the new Top Gear (including more vaping), relaunching Top of the Pops (with vape in place of a smoke machine) and are submitting a proposal to do a Saturday morning kids show (giving away packs of sweet cigalikes). Nothing for anybody to complain about there.

Smoking was awesome. Smoking was everything. Everybody could afford to do it at 20p per pack of ten, and packs were for sale everywhere. If you couldn’t find them behind sheds on school playing fields there were vending machines bolted to walls in high streets. Packs were probably included in kits for new Mums as well. Not sure about the last one but it seems reasonable given everything else taking place at the time.

Unemployment soared as economic times bit hard and inflation rose like Lord Lambton’s appendage. The height of fashion was the donkey jacket, the car of choice was the Austin Allegro and the mullet was born.

But then there were Star Wars and Close Encounters. Apple computers, Ziggy Stardust, punk and Space Hoppers added colour and texture to ten years of change. And there were more cigarettes.

Youthful rebellion and a sense of immortality fed poor decision-making, like those who came before and followed on. But the truth was out about smoking and rates of people quitting suddenly grew, sales are taking a severe kick to the privates. If there was one thing Britain was beginning to learn then it was how to do a damn fine public health warning.

We learnt not to fall out of boats, not to talk to strangers and to always ALWAYS follow the country code. The Green Cross Code man gave way to the AIDS gravestones of the 80s. And, in what seemed like no time at all, Millennials were born. There is no point in public health campaigns now because the Millennials know everything already.

The trouble is, they were correct.

We don’t need public health campaigns educating the public about the dangers of smoking anymore. We don’t need to be told about emphysema, lung cancer or COPD. We know all about it because the Internet knows all about it. We don’t need the advertising agencies that create the campaigns and we certainly don’t need the experts who stand behind them collecting their fat cheques for stating the obvious.

We’re reliving the 70s because smoking is under attack like never before, but this time vaping is playing the part of Dave Prowse. In a Tie fighter. Those who got trapped by tobacco now have an enjoyable exit route – and for those who are experimenting, it is stopping them from taking up smoking in the first place. Vaping is Darth Vader cool but R2D2 honest.

Yes, it’s just like the 70s again. You can tell it is, just look at the England football team!

Having walked all the way down the high street, we discovered that our local police station closed in 1989 due to budget cutbacks or something. It came as a surprise to us to discover that all crime had been solved and there was no longer a need for police stations or, thinking about it, those people who used to work inside. It made us wonder where they find those police people that are always on Channel 5 fly-on-the-wall documentaries? Maybe that’s their full-time job now? And maybe they pay people to be criminals too? People who now have nothing to occupy their days since they stopped being villains for the police to chase?

And then we found one, PC Laura Binding. (Honestly, if no one finds that pun funny I’m going to give up doing this and see if C5 want to take up the option on my ‘Life as a bloke typing on a computer’ fly-on-the-wall documentary).

Laura Binding.

She’s a police officer.

Laura Binding the police officer.

Law abiding – Laura Binding. Oh for goodness sake, I give up.

We didn’t go for a walk, there isn’t even an ‘us’. It’s just me sitting here, making up stuff as usual, in an effort to pad out another article.

It’s because each week the latest stories in the media get scanned in an attempt to seek inspiration for a new article. It’s just that the only thing anybody has been talking about is clowns. There are ones with funny make-up waving knives outside Primary schools, ones fighting each other in the European Parliament, ones trying to become the president of America and ones trying to make out vaping should be severely regulated as it poses untold unproven dangers.

Under normal circumstances there would be a link here to the interview given by Stanton Glantz to Regulator Watch. We’d offer up the opportunity for others to get as angry at them as we were, but then it seemed like a bit of a horrible thing to do.

It’s Friday. Most of you will have spent the week working industriously and are looking forward to a weekend of smiles coupled with alcohol and curry abuse. The last thing you need is Glantz gurning through your monitor as he explains that his mission in life is to “just tell it like I see it!”

What is exceptionally obvious is that this man is going out of his way to say things that vested interests would like him to say, not what he sees. For example, he has seen the Public Health England report, the Royal College of Physicians report and the recent Cochrane Review.

Quite how the man can blindly ignore the weight of evidence is beyond me – just one more clown who has really annoyed me this week. But unlike real actual genuine clowns, this one and the ones like him pose a serious risk to harm reduction and the health of millions of smokers. Channel 5 should do a program about it.

Laura Binding though, eh? Laura Binding.

Contrary to popular opinion in Facebook groups, one does not boil a lithium-ion cell in water in order to make it perform better. In fact, it is safe to say that water and batteries are like Wile-E-Coyote and the Roadrunner: they may be found near each other but it will end in pain and suffering. It’s always best to keep all of your vaping equipment away from water altogether.

While vaping offers an excellent way out of smoking it does mean carrying around a tube full of energy in your pocket. In reality, it is no different to the batteries you can find in your laptop computer or mobile phone.

Lithium ion batteries are popular because they store a huge quantity of energy in a relatively slender package, making them ideal for use in personal electrical devices. They do not hold a memory (so don’t need to be totally discharged before recharging) and can go through many charging cycles.

The difference for vaping comes from the fact that batteries are often removed from devices for charging, spares are carried for when one runs flat and devices don’t all come with dedicated chargers.

Findings from a study in America highlighted that over half of the injuries being sustained due to batteries “exploding” occur to the groin and thigh. This indicates that the cells are being placed into trouser pockets. Another sizeable chunk are hand injuries resulting from a person removing a venting cell from a bag.

What is venting?

If the top and bottom of the battery are connected by keys (or coins/other metal objects) in a pocket (or bag), energy is drained from the battery faster than it is able to cope with. Something called thermal runaway takes place, the battery gets very hot and gases are released in an attempt to prevent it going ‘bang’.

Storing batteries in cheap plastic sleeves or boxes can prevent these accidents simply and easily. Amazon is a good source for battery storage boxes if you can’t find them with your preferred vendor.

Other steps you can take in order to ensure you avoid an accident include buying quality cells. Online forums are full of people who will recommend good battery sellers and ideal cells to meet your vaping demands.

Finally, it is vital the cell is recharged using a quality charger (or the equipment provided by your ecig manufacturer). Ask your vendor what they recommend if you are unsure; do not simply plug it into your computer or phone charger.

Finally, don’t worry that this will happen to you. There are around 2.8 million vapers in the United Kingdom and there are only a handful of examples of battery accidents. It makes a good story for the newspapers but the reality is that it rarely happens. And don’t boil your batteries.

Vapers love vaping, and that’s more of a fact than anything Donald Trump has ever claimed to be a fact. Ecig owners share pictures of their equipment more frequently than sexual deviants on specialist forums. But like holidaymakers at a naturist campsite, it’s time to get it all out in the open.

Imagine the scene, there are only days remaining before the country indulges itself in its favourite bank holiday pastime – arguing in a stationary car on a motorway while rain gently obscures everything from existence. But instead of not quite getting to the seaside or the Chessington World of Soft Leather Furnishings next year, why not come and almost visit Stealthvape’s Vape Museum of Vaping (for vapers)?

Clearly, as this is just another in a long list a ridiculous ideas we concocted on the back of a beer mat, this doesn’t actually exist yet – but it will. It doesn’t matter either way, as the road network will put pay to any plans of actually arriving. As the hours gently roll by while you wait for the BMW driver to get back into his car and move forward three inches, punctuate the back seat bickering by regaling tales of the wonders waiting inside the SVMoF(FV).

Marvel at the wall of CE4 atomisers. It’s like a hall of mirrors but not quite as much fun. Make sure you give yourself enough time to take in the full glory of the presentation that will speak to your soul. It will say something like “why am I standing here staring at this nonsense?” But you, being a vaper, will reply out loud: “This is our history, this is where we come from – this is like gazing into the Big Bang. Only with slightly less background radiation.” We promise to move that lump of uranium out of the building as soon as possible.

Moving through to the Room of Debate, wonder at the table in the centre of the room. Seated around it is a group of performance artists, recreating the great online clone vs. original debates. Over the years, marvellous constructs of logic have been used to convey deeply held beliefs. We felt it would be a terrible shame for them to be lost in time. Keep a special eye out for the purist in the corner who is ignoring everybody because he is better than the others. Do not try to talk to him, he will snub you.

Then, after signing the disclaimer, enter Short-circuit land. Picture the glee plastered all over the faces of your little ones as they gawk upon a person desperately trying to have a vape – but failing. Doesn’t he realise his mod has automatically cut out? No, no he does not. Oh the hilarity, oh the family bonding that will result from shared mirth. *If you do not have little ones of your own we have a range available for rent at very affordable prices.

All this and more, the SVMoF(FV) promises to be probably the greatest thing you will ever visit. Better than a Little Chef all-day breakfast, more fun than watching rain drops coalesce on a window – it will change the lives of all who come.