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Vapers love vaping, and that’s more of a fact than anything Donald Trump has ever claimed to be a fact. Ecig owners share pictures of their equipment more frequently than sexual deviants on specialist forums. But like holidaymakers at a naturist campsite, it’s time to get it all out in the open.

Imagine the scene, there are only days remaining before the country indulges itself in its favourite bank holiday pastime – arguing in a stationary car on a motorway while rain gently obscures everything from existence. But instead of not quite getting to the seaside or the Chessington World of Soft Leather Furnishings next year, why not come and almost visit Stealthvape’s Vape Museum of Vaping (for vapers)?

Clearly, as this is just another in a long list a ridiculous ideas we concocted on the back of a beer mat, this doesn’t actually exist yet – but it will. It doesn’t matter either way, as the road network will put pay to any plans of actually arriving. As the hours gently roll by while you wait for the BMW driver to get back into his car and move forward three inches, punctuate the back seat bickering by regaling tales of the wonders waiting inside the SVMoF(FV).

Marvel at the wall of CE4 atomisers. It’s like a hall of mirrors but not quite as much fun. Make sure you give yourself enough time to take in the full glory of the presentation that will speak to your soul. It will say something like “why am I standing here staring at this nonsense?” But you, being a vaper, will reply out loud: “This is our history, this is where we come from – this is like gazing into the Big Bang. Only with slightly less background radiation.” We promise to move that lump of uranium out of the building as soon as possible.

Moving through to the Room of Debate, wonder at the table in the centre of the room. Seated around it is a group of performance artists, recreating the great online clone vs. original debates. Over the years, marvellous constructs of logic have been used to convey deeply held beliefs. We felt it would be a terrible shame for them to be lost in time. Keep a special eye out for the purist in the corner who is ignoring everybody because he is better than the others. Do not try to talk to him, he will snub you.

Then, after signing the disclaimer, enter Short-circuit land. Picture the glee plastered all over the faces of your little ones as they gawk upon a person desperately trying to have a vape – but failing. Doesn’t he realise his mod has automatically cut out? No, no he does not. Oh the hilarity, oh the family bonding that will result from shared mirth. *If you do not have little ones of your own we have a range available for rent at very affordable prices.

All this and more, the SVMoF(FV) promises to be probably the greatest thing you will ever visit. Better than a Little Chef all-day breakfast, more fun than watching rain drops coalesce on a window – it will change the lives of all who come.

Firstly, welcome back the 70s with some big hair. Resembling Cousin Itt might have gone out of fashion in the Noughties but the possession of a personal, portable hide can’t be overstated. Onlookers will take you for a shop display or a part of a hilarious Channel 4 comedy show instead of a vaper. Balding gents might wish to consider a luxurious wig – or maybe cultivate a large beard to comb backwards.

Fancy dress offers many possibilities, especially full animal suits. Not only does this offer you the potential to vape wherever you please but you are guaranteed to be a hit with stag and hen parties.

Stealth seekers ought to consider a full-face helmet. They are an absolute boon for the vaper who wishes to live on the edge but remain under the radar. Open visor, inhale, close visor, exhale – it really is that simple although we’d have to say that if your day-to-day job is astronaut then opening the visor is carried out at your own risk.

Camouflage can be a simple thing to pick up for beginners. Think about the colour of vape and match it to the background. If you stick to vaping by white walls, in chalk quarries or at a Donald Trump rally then nobody will notice you. The last suggestion isn’t advisable for Mexicans.

Vaping in clouds would be ideal but currently only applies to creative pilots, but it highlights the notion of “Location, location, location”. Stuck in town? Need a quick vape? Pop into a cheesy disco billowing clouds from a machine. Failing this, a prompt career change to become a hillside farmer tending sheep means you’ll spend your days surrounded by mini land-based portable clouds. For those stuck in cities the same effect might be possible by becoming a poodle walking service.

To avoid any cost, why not consider just changing your routine? Become a Goth, a vampire or a road repair worker (these are not mutually exclusive) and live life to the fullest at night. Vaping will be a cinch in the dark although it does present problems if you need to fill a tank or fit a new coil.

Finally, you could learn to do magic really well like Gandalf or Harry Potter. There must be some kind of spell to make vape clouds invisible. Plus, being a bit Gandalf has an added advantage – big beards. Combine this with camouflage, a full-face helmet and dog walking in a disco and no one will look at you twice. Job done.

Please feel free to share your success stories with us on our Facebook page.

Dear parents, pupils, staff and the visiting team from Ofsted,

Firstly, let me welcome you all to the start of the new year, one in which I hope you all go on to demonstrate higher levels of excellence compared to last year. While some might claim this is easy to achieve, I would like to point out that the deputy head (Mr Jenkins) is sticking to his story that the locked cupboard containing last year’s exam papers really did spontaneously combust – rendering all of Year 11 with unclassified grades. As he previously worked as a magician and children’s entertainer we defer to his expertise on such matters.

Our plans for the winter trip to France is in full swing, thanks to Mrs Ling (Geography and afterschool cap-wearing club). Students going on the educational excursion will be visiting the historic town of Calais. Accommodation will be in an assortment of three-star tents, rather excitingly described as being located “in a jungle”. Parents should allow £100 per child in spending money. They will be given an opportunity to go shopping for alcohol, cigarettes and flick knives on the Thursday afternoon. Children should remember that they will be representing us all during the trip and so vaping is not permitted.

The cricket 1^st XI will be pleased to hear that we have been able to repair the pavilion, accidentally razed to the ground following the record defeat to the Blaggers Borstal XI. We would like to remind parents that leaving batteries charging next to the propane tank is prohibited for future fixtures.

In a similar freak incident, eliquid making classes are experiencing disruption following an incident with several large jars of chlorine in the chemistry laboratory. I am sure the whole school joins me in sending best wishes to Mr Rathbone. We are willing you on to a speedy recovery; I hear they do amazing things with artificial lungs now.

Finally, I am going to take this opportunity to remind pupils that we would not have a school were it not for Stealthvape Ltd sponsoring the establishment. While desks and chairs made from Kanthal would not be our first choice, they are highly functional and very resistant to graffiti. Mr Knowles, our hard working and probably background-checked caretaker, is busy gluing packs of Muji and Cotton Bacon to the seats. We expect the work to be completed by the Easter break so grin and bear it until then.

Best regards,

The Head.

“Oh, you can’t vape there,” they say. Then, when you move to somewhere else for a quick puff, you won’t be able to vape over there either. Sort yourselves out, public health experts, we say. But they won’t. You know it, we know it, everybody knows it. And that’s where our genius idea comes into play.

We spent valuable time away from playing Fallout 4 to discover if anybody has ownership of space – and it turns out they don’t. Consequently, nobody can tell you what or where you can or can’t vape in space. You want to vape with big clouds? Space. You want to vape while watching a film and eating pizza? Space. It’s the answer to everything.

Unfortunately no agency is currently renting out a decent space station. Surprising but true. And so we are announcing our very first fundraising page for the Stealthvape Vape Space Station project; it’s a place for vapers to vape in peace – after all, no one can hear you scream up there (when you burn a finger on a hot coil).

As we say on our Gofundyourself page: “They can take our vape away on Earth, but they’ll never be able to stop us in space. Yes, space – you read that right. It may be full of aliens, the Borg and the Empire but we will all be able to vape freely on the Stealthvape Vape Space Station.

Oh, yeh, it means a lot to us and stuff and thank you.”

Some people may not like the idea of contributing to a page where they have to give us money without a guarantee of the project literally taking off. We say to them – when have we ever let you down in the past? Seriously, we’ve never run a Givememoneyfornothing page before so we have a 100% record of not letting people down. Plus, with our history of making space-related mods and atomisers leaves us uniquely positioned to take this project from stupid idea to glorious success.

The first round of fund raising will be used for a fact-finding tour of space centres located near to sunny beaches. It will be here that the final touches will be applied to the design. Currently we anticipate it being a cross between the space section of Westworld and the power core from Event Horizon – only with fewer glitches.

Send us all of your monies so we can make one giant leap for vapekind.

We thought it might be so we contacted Jimmy Slaphead, Britain’s foremost expert on public health experts, a public health expert expert if you will. Jimmy studied public health experts at the University of Readingstuffonline and has published many papers on the subject.

“It’s true,” our public health expert expert told us. “There is frankly precious little in the research world about the possible impact public health experts have on our daily lives. It’s almost as if they are hiding something and being abetted by a secret society bent on concealing the truth.”

“The first thing that gave the game away for us was the total lack of warnings being given out by the media. Public health experts say things so stupid that reading it would drive people to try to crack their heads with a door – and yet this cause and effect relationship is never reported in the national media.”

“So, we approached several pharmaceutical companies for funding to look into the phenomena. Surprisingly, or unsurprisingly if you understand what is going on, they refused. Each one. Even without having to do any further investigation it was clear that Big Pharma didn’t want this reporting.”

Slaphead’s team followed several public health experts on Twitter, and then recorded events taking place afterwards. The team set to work when Martin McKee made a daft statement about ecigs and drugs.

“Within seconds, my lead assistant released gas,” Jimmy said. “Then Jenny the office administrator guffed. Running outside and into the nearest public convenience, it was clear there was a major outbreak of wind.”

The team searched every scientific paper ever published yet not one offered up anything to say that Martin McKee’s stupidity wasn’t linked to public outbreaks of flatulence.

“We were shocked how deep it got. We carried on looking, running coffee-fuelled all-nighters.”

The next target was Stanton Glantz.

“Do you appreciate how many people in California suffer from piles because of the garbage this man spouts? We’ve no idea because there’s absolutely no information gathered on the topic. Nothing, Nada. Diddly squat. Yet again, we stumbled across something really important and the public are not being warned.”

Simon Chapman and ingrowing toenails, Mark Drakeford and outbreaks of halitosis; the list kept getting longer and longer. The indications were overwhelming; there is nothing to prove that listening to or reading the pronouncements of these experts is in any way safe.

“There’s no evidence to say there’s no link, there’s no proof of safety, so we are advocating that the only sensible measure anybody can take is to follow a strong precautionary principle approach: The only safe way forward is to ignore them all.”

Maybe you are a DIY fiend who adores making litres of juice at a time to feed your cloud habit? Maybe you have bags of wire and wick cluttering up the room? Perhaps you own a stack of devices but aren’t bothered about how they’re stored – you just need them out of the way quickly? Then how about the new Stealthvape non-acrylic bucket of heaven: Following months of design work we believe we’ve perfected something to provide instant benefit to the busy vape desk. Crafted from the finest eco-friendly zinc and fitted with a multi-positional handle to aid in relocating the storage container to different rooms, we are certain this will go down well with light to medium users.

But some vapers, especially those who have been vaping for a couple of years, will have built up a reasonably extensive collection. For them we offer up the Stealthvape Kickable Placement, or SKiP for short. In the SV SKiP you’ll find ample storage options for all but the most demanding of users. The SKiP also doubles up as a handy spare bedroom if the in-laws pop by to visit unexpectedly. Thinking green, as we always do, the SKiP is fully recyclable. Just waz it into your nearest blast furnace and it can be part of the new M1/A14 interchange – what could be more environmentally friendly than that?

Of course, a small number of you will look at the SKiP and say: “It’s good, it’s very good, but I may need more than one and that would be an inconvenience.” We hear what you’re saying. The Stealthvape Storage Hire Solutions Container will meet your expectations, surpass them and then fly round for a second go and surpass them even more. It was built with the acrylic car cup mod holder and the acrylic vape stand‘s in mind, and can accommodate them internally or externally in conjunction with some Stealthvape vape tables.

Although we do not support aftermarket uses such as the importation of illegal substances, weapon storage or the hiding of kidnap victims, many satisfied owners have discovered a plethora of alternative ways to maximise their enjoyment from the SVSHS Container – we know you’re going to adore using it.

Perhaps you won the lottery and rashly spent it all on vape gear? Maybe you have one single special device you’d like to focus on in a large empty space? Possibly you work for an intelligence service and need to vape in a location free of bugging devices? Perchance Brad Pitt is popping round for a vape, chat about his failed marriage and drink but the house is still awash with empty pizza boxes and used tissues? The ultimate in Stealthvape storage solutions is the easy to erect building. We designed it so just one man can fully assemble the structure (in two weeks with the aid of a team of workmen and some industrial equipment *not supplied).

Not allowed to vape at a sports venue? Banned from having a quick blast at work? No longer thanks to Stealthvape’s body augmented vaping designs. With the flip of a subcutaneous switch, located a finger-press away on your palm, vaping will be part and parcel of breathing – and this isn’t something they can throw you off the 9:15 from Bristol Temple Meads for.

Some might say, “That looks painful”. Others might add, “That looks expensive”. While both of those points of view are very true, just think of the benefits.

By incorporating vaping equipment into body tissue means that you never need to buy a battery again. Charging takes place through the harnessing of mitochondrial energy – never has there been a better reason to eat a curry.

Whether the juice is supplied though an external pack or accommodated within a buttock is wholly up to you. Maybe there is another part of the body you’d like to extend to hold a long 30ml bottle? We can modify to suit thanks to Stealthvape’s top bank of plastic surgeon specialists.

Hang on, you’re thinking, how can I adjust the vape? The one thing you don’t have to worry about is another operation. All settings will be controlled through a handy downloadable phone app.

The settings can be adjusted from cloud blowing, high enough that you could hire yourself out to nightclubs and rock festivals, all the way down to accommodating vape-free vaping. It will now be possible for you to gain a nic-fix in court, A&E or while flying a 757 (even if you give the impression you’re in training for a sucker fish lookalike competition).

It doesn’t stop there. Joy of joys, the phone app interface allows users to virtually vape at work. That’s correct – no vape vaping. A slide of a finger sends a virtual plume of vape out on the screen, totally obscuring that annoying person in your meeting (because doing it for reals would cause a kerfuffle).

Clearly, there are further advantages to adamantium vape augmentation. Being the stuff of superheroes is no longer the preserve of comics as vapers can elect to have the Platinum package installed, which includes Wolverine-like bones and optional claws – useful for fighting crime AND cutting cotton wicks to size.

Needless to say this is going to be exceptionally popular and so we suggest getting your name on the waiting list as soon as possible. The future is augmented body vaping, and the future is (as some American chap used to say) now.

Images – Fernando Vicente
 

Dear Rt Hon Jeremy Hunt MP Secretary of State for Health,

Although we have not met or exchanged tips for finding Pokemons in town centres, I am sure we are going to become really good friends. I’ve heard that you’re super into politics and stuff – us too. Mainly ‘the stuff’ bit though tbh. Anyway, we are writing about something that the old Secretary of State didn’t understand very well, but we are sure you will love: vaping. What’s vaping? Hold on there, tiger, let’s cover something else first.

You know when you’d get a new girlfriend and you really wanted to impress her, but then you’d forget to sort something out as the life of a man is full of busy? So you’d pop by a graveyard or nearby petrol station and lift a bunch of flowers? And she’d be all, “Oh wow, Jeremy – these are super awesome”? Well think of vaping as a bunch of flowers.

By now your office staff chums will have made you aware of how big a sad sack that old Jeremy Hunt was, nowhere near as smashing as you. Trust us, he was even worse than they’re saying. He was like the PM’s ex-boyfriend. You are the new beau. Old Jeremy delivered nothing but heartache and probably never gave the old PM a neck rub. Teresa is waiting on flowers, lover-boy. She needs to be wooed and wowed.

This is the moment for you to flop out a bouquet of vape into her lap.

Just like the purloined plumes, the gift of vape you’ll be giving is entirely free. You see it’s quite simple, vaping will cost the government absolutely nothing – all you need to do is forget about that daft Article 20 of the Tobacco Products Directive because we aren’t going to be part of the EU. All the other women and men in suits are going to be busy with other things and won’t even notice. Just take the paperwork and leave it out with the empty departmental milk bottles.

All of a sudden, by doing nothing and spending no money, vaping equipment with continue to design in improvements and smoking rates will plummet. In turn, Britain gets healthier and happier – and happy vapers will spend more money on whatever it is that you party sell. As we said, we really get politics.

So many benefits from something that is 95% safer than smoking, Teresa may melt in your arms. What we reckon is that we should get together and sort this out over a jug of Sangria in Hooters. Next Thursday afternoon good for you?

Your new best mates, Stealthvape.

Vapers are being consigned to smoking shelters and denied the opportunity to vape elsewhere because of, what anti-vapers call, the precautionary principle. This means that until a person unnamed to their satisfaction declares vaping 100% safe people should avoid allowing its use. And employers have adopted that stance in view of the difficulty for them to discover the truth behind the science.

This means you have probably felt left out in the cold when it comes to decision-making, probably literally (except for this week). But Public Health England has given you a golden arrow for your quill.

“E-cigarette use is not covered by smoke-free legislation and should not routinely be included in the requirements of an organisation’s smoke-free policy. Vapers should not be required to use the same space as smokers, as this could undermine their ability to quit and stay smoke-free,” write the PHE in their guidance for employers.

If you are currently being forced into the smoking shed against your wishes then you might wish to draw the boss’ attention to: “E-cigarette use does not meet the legal or clinical definitions of smoking . . . Furthermore, international peer-reviewed evidence suggests that e-cigarettes carry a fraction of the risk of cigarettes and have the potential to help drive down smoking rates, denormalise smoking and improve public health. So policies need to be clear on the differences between vaping and smoking.”

In advocating that British employers set up separate spaces for vapers to vape in, they say: “To maximise the number of smokers switching to e-cigarettes, vaping should be made a more convenient, as well as safer, option.”

The guidance also suggests that employers take note of the fact that vaping delivers less nicotine and therefore vapers need to vape more often than a smoker needs a cigarette. Users should be allowed extra breaks for the “frequent interim top-ups” they need, the advice says.

Commenting on the release, ECITA’s Tom Pruen said: “The guidance from Public Health England is pragmatic and sensible, and if adopted by employers will help them to better provide for the health and well-being of their staff. Allowing the use of e-cigs will benefit not just the physical health of their employees, but also boost morale and job satisfaction as well as encouraging more existing smokers to switch to the safer alternative of vaping. The guidance from PHE is another recognition of the potential for e-cigs to offer huge improvements to public health.”

We can’t guarantee that your line manager will accept the points being put over by Public Health England but it can’t hurt to print out the full position statement and discuss it with them.

So pop on your copy of War by Edwin Starr. Or Frankie Goes To Hollywood. Or any of the legion of other people who have tried their hardest to destroy an absolute classic. Pop it on, draw a peace symbol on your chest and run around in the sunshine until you feel the need for beer. This should be in around 42 seconds if our exhaustive testing was anything to go by.

Yes – 1-2-3-4 – we’re going to have a vape war. Doesn’t it make sense to use technology we already have in order to defeat dippy despots and mad mass murderers around the globe? Considering the vape revolution transformed the nation and the NHS’ attitude to quit campaigns it seems only logical that we don our Che Guevara shirts and put the revolting into armed conflict too.

Vapers for The UK may sound a bit too Farage for some people’s tastes but “no, no, let us finish”. Stealthvape proposes the creation of a national vaping defence network. During a time of heightened threat, the government can send taxis round to your house and drop you all off at strategic points around the British coastline. As Muhammad Ali once said: “His hands can’t hit what his eyes can’t see.”

At the sound of a klaxon (it will probably be a klaxon even though we’d suggest blaring out The Birdie Song by The Tweet), the 2.8 million Vapers for The UK will exhale. Instantly the country will be transformed to a spooky Victorian scene featuring The Chocolate Cream Poisoner or Jack the Ripper. An impenetrable fug will linger around and over the sovereign state and any incoming airborne device will have to divert to another target instead – just like Ryanair does when it drizzles.

“Huzzah” will bellow the nation’s young as they throw their caps and satchels into the air with delight. And then begins Phase 2, so far at absolutely no cost to the public beyond the cab fares. Actually, we might need to rethink this bit as black cabs cost a mint. Perhaps we should simply Uber everyone about?

Now’s the time to send vapers out on the attack but, like with all war, we will place the most expendable on the front line. Seasoned vapers are too valuable to lose, instead we will give DIY sub-ohm kits to a selection of estate agents, car park ticket inspectors and celebrity chefs. Parachuting them into the hostile zones with nothing more than a brief coiling diagram, their job will be to build a competition standard cloud chucking device. They will not have access to ohmmeters due to Forces cutbacks. BOOM! Those who’d seek to attack Blighty won’t know what hit ’em. Nor will the brave estate agents, car park ticket inspectors and celebrity chefs who will be remembered through a statue erected in Wellingborough town centre.

For those of us left behind, NHS Quit programs will be transformed into places teaching self-defence techniques using heavy mods to inflict blunt force trauma. Should anybody manage to make it through the cloudbank to Kent or Norfolk will be in for a nasty surprise. But then that’s probably the case normally so we aren’t sure why we’re bothering. Finally, the ultimate deterrent, sponsorship of annoying YouTube reviews to put people off coming to attack us in the first place.

We will update you with further plans if the Ministry of Defence accepts our brilliant ideas.