The messianic scenes held fervour normally reserved for Bible-belt Sunday services, the home end of any football ground and late-Friday night city centre kebab shops.

When it comes to things like this I have form, I am not an early adopter by nature. It wasn’t until the 3GS that I got on board the Apple bus and sucked into the notion we had to replace everything we own that works with something newer that might perform better but probably won’t.

After countless declined opportunities to see The Smiths play I realised I quite enjoyed the music…the day after they split, stupidly late adoption. Wicks are proving to be a lot like Morrissey; there was something simple and it just worked. Then it tried to become more profound and resulted in becoming a pain in the neck.

Silica, simple silica.

Back when I had my first genny, an Aga-T2, I became perplexed and vexed with mesh. Silica was such a delight; it worked in my Evods, it worked in the T2, it worked in drippers and when I finally bit the bullet and bought a Svoëfun it damn well worked in there too.

But then stuff began to get silly.

I managed to keep up with a transition from round wire to flat and even managed to work through a learning curve to build microcoils and use cotton…but what the flip is going on now? Wire with fancy names is appearing all over the shop and I’m left feeling like a Dad at a teen pop concert.

Not content with cotton there’s now rayon. Rayon? I don’t care if the pleasure vaping with it rivals that of being pleasured by the entire troop of the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders – it’s bloody rayon. Rayon is the fabric that destroyed my eyes in the 1970s. My mother, on a saving money tip, made me a pair of garish blue shorts out of the stuff. A pair of shorts that tried harder through their tightness to emasculate me than a van-load of stereotypical militant feminists.

The very last thing I want while vaping is a head full of Chessa Davis and the fear that by vaping I may contract a serious case of flares.

I tried to build a Dragon coil, I’ve watched a video about making a Tiger coil but rayon is just a step too far for me. What is coming next? Muff, that’s what; a cotton-like wick made from the discarded pubic hair of body fascists. But why stop there – we can weave Muff in with asbestos to improve durability and wicking even further so that the vape is so good the cloud transforms into a time portal.

I understand this is The Smiths and the Apple launch all over again. I just can’t get my head around wanting to vape at .00003Ω but I just bet that if they ban vaping then that will be the day I really want to try it.