There’s no proof that vaping doesn’t cause you to grow a second head. Also, don’t you find it strange that there’s absolutely no evidence to demonstrate that toking on an ecig doesn’t make your limbs fall off? This is the kind of thing that vexes many public health experts. But is there an even greater danger? Could it be the experts themselves?
We thought it might be so we contacted Jimmy Slaphead, Britain’s foremost expert on public health experts, a public health expert expert if you will. Jimmy studied public health experts at the University of Readingstuffonline and has published many papers on the subject.
“It’s true,” our public health expert expert told us. “There is frankly precious little in the research world about the possible impact public health experts have on our daily lives. It’s almost as if they are hiding something and being abetted by a secret society bent on concealing the truth.”
“The first thing that gave the game away for us was the total lack of warnings being given out by the media. Public health experts say things so stupid that reading it would drive people to try to crack their heads with a door – and yet this cause and effect relationship is never reported in the national media.”
“So, we approached several pharmaceutical companies for funding to look into the phenomena. Surprisingly, or unsurprisingly if you understand what is going on, they refused. Each one. Even without having to do any further investigation it was clear that Big Pharma didn’t want this reporting.”
Slaphead’s team followed several public health experts on Twitter, and then recorded events taking place afterwards. The team set to work when Martin McKee made a daft statement about ecigs and drugs.
“Within seconds, my lead assistant released gas,” Jimmy said. “Then Jenny the office administrator guffed. Running outside and into the nearest public convenience, it was clear there was a major outbreak of wind.”
The team searched every scientific paper ever published yet not one offered up anything to say that Martin McKee’s stupidity wasn’t linked to public outbreaks of flatulence.
“We were shocked how deep it got. We carried on looking, running coffee-fuelled all-nighters.”
The next target was Stanton Glantz.
“Do you appreciate how many people in California suffer from piles because of the garbage this man spouts? We’ve no idea because there’s absolutely no information gathered on the topic. Nothing, Nada. Diddly squat. Yet again, we stumbled across something really important and the public are not being warned.”
Simon Chapman and ingrowing toenails, Mark Drakeford and outbreaks of halitosis; the list kept getting longer and longer. The indications were overwhelming; there is nothing to prove that listening to or reading the pronouncements of these experts is in any way safe.
“There's no evidence to say there’s no link, there’s no proof of safety, so we are advocating that the only sensible measure anybody can take is to follow a strong precautionary principle approach: The only safe way forward is to ignore them all.”