Now we’ve said goodbye to the stupid ticket system that the venue sprung upon people last year we can return to using proper cash. Forget your cards, no one will be taking them (although there is a machine for withdrawals). This is an opportunity for you to play Delboy & Rodney and parade around with an elastic band-wrapped wad like a proper person.

Pretend you are Richard Prior in Brewster’s Millions. Or something. Cruella De Ville maybe.



As a veteran camper, and someone who was kept awake all night at a Le Mans bike 24hr by a bloke revving the nuts off his GPz750, I can say without fear of contradiction that all your fellow campers want to know what music you like.

Don’t worry if you can’t see them, tents have been designed to allow the maximum possible noise to enter them. Make sure that you have a generator pounding into the small hours and loud, portable DJ kit. Turn it up till it drowns out the sounds of snoring, campers hate snoring.

If you don’t have sufficiently loud musical equipment you can always entertain yourself by organising a “How many people can we get on top of this tent before it collapses†competition. Campers love camping games, especially surprise ones as 10 drunken strangers fall on their head laughing.

Unfortunately I will be missing all the fun as I’ve been forced to stay in a hotel. All of us in hotels will regret missing the camping festivities but you will be able to regale them to us while our included-in-the-booking breakfast is slowly digested.

*Remember: prior to arrival check that the flame-proof coating on your tent still works.



Those who have experienced festival toilets will know one thing: do not go into town and use McDonalds’ facilities or the ones in Tesco. Stay and enjoy the invigorating experience of smelling what the ten people before you in the queue have left.

It is considered bad form for one vaper to ask another to use the luxury bathroom facilities in his hotel room although the offer of a high-end device as a present may be considered as a gesture of goodwill. It could go some way to helping the hotel occupant get over the non-existent guilt they feel as a result of having had a lovely night’s sleep in a comfy bed.


Toilet paper

By late Saturday afternoon it is likely that this will become an accepted form of currency. Keep an eye on the person who won the Hellfire hybrid in the raffle as you could pick it up for as little as ten sheets of finest Andrex.


The Raffle

It is dangerous for you to win any of the main prizes – remember that you will now be very tired and drunk; a state that makes you a prime target for a chubby man. Fresh from the hotel room, he will have razor-sharp senses and a burning indignation that he didn’t win. The only way to ensure that this does not happen is to not buy any tickets or purchase and give them to a fat man.



Children are very useful, they spend every day at school being conditioned to conform and follow instructions, no matter how daft they may be. Not only are they willing to stand patiently in a line until you stagger over from the bar when they get to the front you can hire them out to provide this service for strangers.

I have a very well trained pair of Springers but I would not trust them with money to go fetch me a burger. They’d fritter it on slot machines or something. No, a child can be relied on to bring you almost everything you wanted provided there isn’t a stall selling loom bands.


The bar

If you want to impress people, like really impress people, with your level of eliteness attained, this is the place for you. Not to stand by it, demonstrating the fact that you don’t need anything on sale, no. To truly be a bleeding edge member of the elite you should be lying unconscious next to it with a straw sticking out of your arse.

Bear in mind that rotund gentlemen of advancing years with male-pattern baldness do not have the ability to wait patiently to be served. A courteous “please, you go before me†will always be acknowledged by something resembling a mumble. This is because fat men are wise and know you will be rewarded in the next life for your good deeds.



We love vendors; without them we’d have nothing to buy during the year. It is a little known fact that they adore coming to Vapefest just to meet the people who demand they work 24-hours a day for free. They want to say “thank youâ€, but some of them are very queer types and can be unsettled easily.

On spotting a vendor standing behind his or her stall approach in a bold fashion, pushing others out of the way. This gives them the visual cue that you are not afraid of them; it keeps them in their comfort zone. Don’t distract them with inane conversations about their products, this will achieve nothing more than a flustered vendor and a bored you. A simple bark of “What free stuff you got?†will be sufficient to warm their little hearts.


The organisers

As you wander like a dandy gadabout, hither and thither, you may glimpse out of the corner of your eye some wraith-like apparitions. They have foregone food, sleep or the opportunity to appear on Deal Or No Deal in the six months while organising the event. Although it is best not to feed them human food they do enjoy big hugs. A word of warning: some vapers are not organisers but are actually goths, do not confuse the two as you should never approach a goth, it may fill the heads of your children with mental images of Marilyn Manson and stuff.

Of course, you could take the foolish approach of ignoring all of this and following the organisers’ instructions