A New Harm Reduction Alliance

Firstly, this gateway thing: The data says there’s no gateway, the experts say there’s no gateway – flip, even the Welsh government’s own health survey said there was no gateway. But, still, public health nannies insist on dragging it up. So if they aren’t going to read the reports or listen to harm reduction advocates, we thought they might be open to hearing from experts on the topic of gateways?

To this end, we have issued invitations to a number of gateway authorities. Firstly, that strange little lady from Poltergeist as she knew it all when it came to getting both in and out of the television set. Then we asked Ben Feldman. Although many might not have heard of Ben, his work on As Above, So Below marks him out on being a true portal expert. Lastly, and probably quite scary to some of a nervous disposition, several farmers from The Archers, for obvious farm gate reasons.

The public health bods also love to knock vaping because of the flavours available. It’s blindingly obvious that these are part and parcel of why eliquid works so well but, again, they aren’t listening. We need even more experts so we asked them. We’ve phoned up Heston Blumenthal and he’s agreed to come on board to explain how flavour works for adults. Also, Tori Amos replied to our postcard. “Will you choose fear, or will you choose love,†she sings on her misspelt and slightly boring song Flavor. Our final expert was born to take part as he, like vaping is cast to be, is a public enemy: Flavor Flav. We’re going to fight the power and say to Stanton Glantz: “Don’t believe the hypeâ€.

We feel it is essential to have some giants in the scientific community in order to produce press releases on batteries. We are delighted to announce that Steven Hawking (black holes), Brian Cox (the one who says “amazing†all the time, not the one from Planet of the Apes), Spock (science officer) and Sheldon Cooper (Ph.D., Sc.D.). If Sheldon tells you that the problem is with people not understanding how an electrical circuit works – and not with vaping – you stay told.

Also, as a similar thing worked so well for Tony Blair, we have roped the entire cast of Casualty on board to put across the medical profession’s opinion on vaping. While some might have wanted real doctors – this lot will say anything we pay them to say, they’ll say it well and we get to arrange lots of gory accidents.

There’ll be no stopping us now, not with this incredible team. All thanks to Stealthvape – always thinking the unthinkable.