Doves are lovely. Pigeons aren’t; they’re the unacceptable face of the family much like Justin is to the Biebers. And dovecotes are lovely. We had this massive one in the village, in the middle of the fields where we’d play every summer. A dovecote that is, not a giant dove. The entire world would have heard of where I grew up if it had possessed a colossus Columbidae. But it hasn’t because we didn’t. It was the dovecot.
We at The National Union of Apathetic Vapers would like to extend our gratitude to Stealthvape for allowing us to have this platform to introduce ourselves. Many of you will have experience of standing on platforms, feeling all isolated and wondering if that thing you were expecting will ever arrive. So here it is: The NUAV is arriving far too late, promises you an unimpressive journey and guarantees that our prices will rise faster than inflation. It’s trains; we’re making ourselves seem like trains. Oh sod it.
Jeremy was vexed. You could tell that everything was not good with Jeremy’s world from the way he was staring at the screen. The more observant among you would also have noticed the stain on the wall with streaks of brown liquid dripping slowly down to the collection of coffee mug shrapnel on the floor. It would be safe to say that this was not Jeremy’s finest hour. His finest hour was the one where he completed three Sudoku puzzles and an online game of Scrabble against the computer.
Yes, Stealthvape is expanding. No, this isn’t a reference to the side effects of a festive period full of sumptuous banquets and an excess of alcohol. We have identified the need for expansion in order to maximise our place in the market during 2016 and this means the creation of many new roles and departments. It’s a dog eat dog world and we aim to be top pooch, frotting ourselves on the leg of Big Tobacco.
Almost five times a week, an aspiring Youtuber demonstrates their grasp of Stealthvape by asking us for our entire eliquid range for free. The thing we pride ourselves on is our ability to meet all requests (no matter how bizarre), but not being able to fulfil these perfectly reasonable enquiries has upset us. We have nothing since the children demolished the OJ and Emma drank all of the grapefruit.
Clare sat fixated by the gigantic slab of television stuck to the wall. They used to own one that didn’t make the family feel they were sitting in the front row of the Odeon. But what’s the point in that, Jim had said, when they could own something that stretched credulity as much as their credit card – the electronic Gorgon transforming all who viewed it into statues. It was fitting that she was watching something suitably ridiculous as she vaped.
2015 has been an incredible year for vapers, vape companies and the manufacturers of umbrellas. Ecig articles were everywhere and only the word terrorist has appeared more frequently in newspapers. Probably. Over the last day and a half we were inundated by three requests demanding we compile a list of what we considered to be the best things in vaping this year. Always willing to bend to the whims of our customers (unless it is a request for stainless wire) we are delighted to announce The Stealthvape Awards 2015.
They say you should never go back, they say that. They say that about many things. They say it because they believe you only remember the best aspects about whatever it was and have forgotten the aspects that drove you up the wall. They are probably well meaning.
The rain formed grey lines across the cityscape. Dull buildings reached up into the sky in vain attempts to touch the oppressive clouds that robbed everything of its hue. While the little people below scurried from doorways to taxis to computer screens, Vapeman looked on.
“Is it meant to be like this?” It’s the only question that would go through my mind when I took up vaping. If juice wasn’t coming out of the CE2 mouthpiece then it was flooding out of the bottom thanks mainly to an errant ill-fitting head.
