Vikings, out of all actual cool people that really existed, must top my list of things I wish I could be. Clearly, being a vampire or a person with superpowers would beat being a Viking but we have to remain fixed in reality here. Wanting to be a vampire is just stupid - for a start your shopping experience would be limited to 24hr supermarkets and late-night kebab shops, neither of which carry a good range of blood. No, definitely a Viking.
You get to wear a hat and wave around an axe without fear of someone calling the police. As another plus, Paul Gascoigne would bring you beer and chicken in a bucket. You don't have to tie yourself down to a single God either. I like the idea that you could hedge your religious bets. I’d go for one of the sexier ones. If I were going to spend eternity with a god then I’d want it to look more like Demi than Alan Moore.
In fact, the only downside to being a Viking would be the Age of Ragnarok…but then that was supposed to happen on the 22nd February according to the IB Times. A world on fire would really interfere with my vaping pleasure - even if it meant I wouldn't have to faff about preheating my Kanthal.
Luckily for me I didn't send all my money to Harold Camping both times he predicted The Rapture in 2011. His multiple predictions of an imminent dire future had an advertising campaign and everything. I'd never have been able to buy my Origen V2 dripper had he got my cash because he doesn't seem all that inclined to return any of it. But then why did he want the money if The Rapture was coming anyway?
So, the world is safe, there’s no asteroid hitting the Earth this week and Hellfire is restricted to those few able to afford one. Well, it all kind of depends on whom you place your trust in.
There was a passing moment when I thought about stockpiling nic and concentrates given the impending EU legislation. I thought about it and then reckoned it would be stupid. Why waste time hoarding juice stocks when the four horsemen are close to trotting into Northamptonshire? It must be true because Sarah Palin said so. In 2008 she laid claim to be of "the final generation" and that she'd see the End Times in her lifetime.
It's when you hear stuff like that you really wonder whether it's worth bothering to walk the dogs or cut down on bacon. If she was a bit more precise with a day then at least I'd know whether or not to order some more silica.
I guess it's the constant barrage of doom from one corner or another that has just got me to the point of giving up with all of it. Take the Llanelli Star this week: "E-cigarette ban would be 'suicidal' for industry, says business". Surely I can't be the only person getting bored with the constant cycle of people being afraid of ecigarettes while other people let rip with hyperbole?
But then maybe this is it.
Maybe this is how Ragnarok starts? Maybe Palin is correct? Maybe this entropic spiral into daytime TV show mentality and shock headlines is just the beginning of the end. I tell you what though, if it happens before Vapefest I’m going to be more than a bit miffed.