Juicy Words


I was struck primarily by the reviewer’s wonderful command of language. And then wondered if the person selecting the quote had the first clue what the word “unctuous†meant.

It’s a glorious word and, as a noun, would happily grace Moss’ board during “Street Countdownâ€. The sound of it implies juice vaping nirvana while the hidden meaning paints the liquid as a false pretender; all bottle no cap.

Unctuous food is a desirable thing, my dogs will fight over an unctuous bone but unctuous people are odious – I’d insert a list of job types here but you can make your own up. Suffice to say that I believe Michael Gove to be one of the most unctuous individuals on the planet.

I’m not saying that I believe this vape is greasy or smug (I’ve never tried a bottle of it), just that the choice of words can be so important. It put me in mind of the plethora of new bottles springing up left, right and centre. It made me think that fumbling around for an original angle must be pretty tricky these days – how do you explain that your orange or coffee vape is in any way different to the hordes of similar products flooding onto the market? And, by logical extension, how on Earth can you differentiate the metal tube or atomising chamber you might like to produce?

Something that was very popular twelve months ago were the claims made regarding how “hard†a mod hit and references to voltage drops. Vapers grabbed the words and used them with a vengeance for a while. Fortunately this appears to have waned. Numbers have taken over: 20 became 30, which in turn ramped up to triple digits. As someone who has never gone over 15 I can’t see me buying a “Life begins at 50W†t-shirt.

Given, some brands for juice, mods and atomisers hold a well-deserved reputation for product quality. For them there’s no scrambling around to announce that the new line includes adamantium-coated packaging or is manufactured in an atmosphere rich in expensive perfume. They have no need for florid descriptions; the products sell themselves on merit alone.

For the rest, fighting over the middle ground as reputations are built or squandered, it appears to involve reinventing wheels and over-complicating (what should otherwise be) simple designs. Well, that and adding the label “Competition†as if that meant anything other than “we’ll sue you if you dare criticise our tube or we’ve had a drink or something…but anyway we’re going to sue yo ass†and then withdrawing it from sale. The word is now tainted by that episode, everyone using it since has drawn sneers and giggles by the container-load. Words are so important.

I’ve just watched a review for an atomiser that is similar in purpose to the Kayfun – and yet in order to differentiate itself it possesses a relatively complicated wicking process. After two years and countless atomisers I know that the difference in vape quality will be minimal and so I need persuading to get it. I need a compelling visual appeal or a winning collection of sentences. I want someone to paint me a picture of how wonderful my life will become if I add that device to the collection on the desk. I want someone to tell me it’s unctuous.

Or something.

So, if anyone is currently developing a new line and needs inspiration then try this out: “It’s a real loblolly of a liquid, a finer slubberdegullion of a atomiser you won’t find anywhere else online. Buy our mod or forever be thought of as a pilgarlic.â€

Have a great weekend, enjoy your vape.

*No Getty images were harmed during the making of this blog post.