Solving Vape Crime Together


The issues affecting vapers is manifold: if the crime is committed against a store or manufacturer then the costs are passed down the line to us, and if it’s our things being liberated then the victim is obviously us once again. Whichever way it cuts, we have a vested interest in solving the ones that take place and preventing future ones from happening

In many ways we are like cinema chains; we have the power to prevent anybody suffering another Fantastic Four film. If someone says they hate superhero films then it’s almost definitely because they saw one of the FF franchise. Cinema owners could have got together and used their superpowers to prevent another screening – but did they? No, no they did not. They allowed the awfulness to continue and now we have a society where vapers have to act as vigilantes.

Damn you, 20th Century Fox. This is all on you.

Since the great switch from mech to regulated, devices lend themselves nicely to built-in protection. The numerous online bait bike videos illustrate how easy it would be to have a password function, or fingerprint ID, that if by-passed could release an inconvenient number of volts directly through the power button. An enterprising manufacturer would combine this with a video and wireless function so everybody could enjoy the event in real time.

That doesn’t help the shop. Some predictions for us leaving Europe include a massive financial slide and long unemployment queues. The quick-minded of you will realise this is a boon for vape crime fighting. Combining idle hands, piercings and valuable devices together, through the medium of a length of chain, gives you lock-down security. And, should the worst happen and a theft occurs, the store owner has a readymade witness to the event. Plus, if this was an art student then they’ll have the composite sketch whipped up before the Police response vehicle has stopped at Tesco, the off-licence and a doughnut shop. Don’t be critical, the police can’t function on free KFC, free McDs and free pizza alone.

If society does go to Hell in an unpatriotic handcart then at least it means all of the bank vaults will be lying empty. What better use could there be than to rent them out for vape collectors to store their devices? Clearly, neither of these solutions work if Brexit is a huge success and everyone is lighting cigars with £50 notes.

So we propose a trained Vaping Defence Force (VDF) to patrol vape stores and act as emergency first responders in the event of vape crime. It won’t come cheap but we reckon Big T will fund it. Your average company pulls in 68 billion per year, give or take, so something like this is a drop in the ocean and would be brilliant PR.

Vapers don’t wheeze as much as they used to when they smoked, which means they can creep up on crimes in progress more surreptitiously. Plus, like proper superheroes (not the Fantastic Four) they have utility belts and bags full of kit: two mods and a length of Kanthal makes for brilliant crime-fighting nunchaku.

Yep, you could do this…