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Long-term vapers have witnessed a transition from something that was just about harm reduction then blossom into a product that is on-trend and fashionable. But, obviously, vapers can’t simply enjoy vaping without someone telling them why they ought to stop. This week it’s the turn of people who enjoy doing vape stunts and tricks.

Published in the Journal of Adolescent Health, researchers from RTI International are warning about “risk factors” associated with “vape trick behaviour“.

Lead author Jessica Pepper explained the rationale behind conducting the study: “Earlier studies have shown that some teens vape because they think it looks cool. Others want to try the fruit- and candy-flavoured e-liquids used to make vape clouds. Vape tricks may be another factor. I can see why teens might be interested. Some of the tricks are fascinating.”

The paper the team produced states: “Vape tricks are an emerging and understudied risk behaviour for adolescents. Given the potential association between vape trick behaviour, motivation to use [vape devices], and increased exposure to [vape] emissions due to using more advanced devices, it is important to understand what demographic, psychographic, or behavioural factors are associated with youth engagement in vape tricks.”

Unfortunately, the authors of the study are beginning from the premise that vaping poses a big danger and, secondly, that these teens wouldn’t have otherwise gone on to smoke.

Serious flaws exist in this study; teens were recruited online (using a $20 Amazon gift card inducement) and then completed questionnaires online. Such methodology places a huge question mark over the reliability of the data obtained – which carries on through to the dubious conclusions the team come to:

• “Research suggests that [ecig] use is not free of harm.
• Ecig users are more likely to progress to smoking combustible cigarettes.
• The nicotine in e-liquid can be harmful.
• Even e-liquid without nicotine produces harmful chemical emissions.
• Vape trick behaviour also could influence health. For example, vaping blogs suggest different configurations of batteries and different types of e-liquid to produce the biggest clouds or do the best tricks.”

The group failed to take any measurements and are therefore totally unable to quantify any perceived danger. They remain as ignorant as to the performance of a trick (duration of inhale, components of the vape, impact on lung tissue) as they were prior to the research program’s inception.

In fact, it’s a struggle to work out what the point of the work was given how it has failed, by any measure, to move understanding forward. It’s also amazing that the company can make the claim: “RTI is at the forefront of research on e-cigarettes. Because of our wide-ranging expertise, we are ideally positioned to provide insights on these products from a variety of scientific perspectives, including public health and policy, pharmacology and toxicology, aerosol technology, and health communications.”

The full research paper can be accessed here.

Stan drove a pudgy finger into one of the seventeen folds hanging off his chin. The scratch sent dead skin tumbling onto his blank Mindmap sheet. Boys at school learn how to affect a certain expression, a practised look they summon up on command when a teacher asks the class a question. It says I’m thinking very hard about something so please don’t ask me directly.

Mart stroked his beard. Beard stroking is the international sign of a man who believes himself to be intellectually superior to everybody else in the room. Invariably, the absolute opposite is the case – but today, looking at Stan screwing up his face while pretending to think, Mart knew he really was the sharpest knife in this cutlery drawer. He began to doodle for inspiration.

“I think,” Stan spluttered, “that we might have come up with all the ideas. I think the reason we can’t think of anymore is that we have thought of all of the ideas and now there are none left.”

It was a reasonable guess. The pair of them had invented lies about flavours, brand names and colours being used to target children. They’d laughed until their tummies hurt when they came up with the whole nanoparticle thing. Then they hit gold with the idea they could simply copy every piece of vape research but make up some numbers so it says the opposite. Each time Stan hears “Opposite Land” now he has to go and put on dry underpants.

“Saying we’ve thought of everything isn’t an option,” admonished Mart. “And if we have thought of every thinkable thing then maybe it’s time to think the unthinkable.”

Stan nodded, his cheeks continued to wobble after he’d finished, but he really had no idea what Mart meant.

“We need a danger that smokers and vapers haven’t been scared about yet. We need something that scientists can’t disprove – like when we made up that rubbish about the gateway effect…that it ‘could’ lead to smoking. Try disproving that, scientific community!” And Mart laughed.

“Hang on a minute,” Mart shouted as he dropped his pencil. “Aliens!”

Stan’s expression changed to the one you find on a fat boy when a Greggs employee pulls a new tray of hot pies out of the oven. He could eat Martin up, every scrap.

“We simply say that electronic vaping nicotine delivery device systems give out sub frequencies, acting as beacons for warlike pan-galactic alien races. Using nicotine in this way will ENDS the planet – that’s how bloody selfish vapers are.”

The duo managed to publish three finely crafted research papers in the five minutes after generating the idea, using drawings instead of data tables, depicting the carnage and mayhem. Donald Trump tweeted his congratulations for their patriotic work.

Police are currently hunting for a group of young males in West Belfast after some school boys were attacked. They believe that a stun gun resembling an electronic cigarette was involved.

Three boys, aged between 12 and 13, were attacked and struck on the neck by the stun gun, and one fell to the ground. Detective Inspector Paul Rowland said: “Each of the boys felt something on their neck and one of them fell to the ground. Two of the boys subsequently attended hospital for treatment to minor injuries. While we believe some kind of small electronic device was used, we are keeping an open mind, but are appealing to anyone who has any information about this incident, or who may have witnessed it to contact detectives on the non-emergency number 101, quoting reference 811 06/09/17.”

Stun guns disguised as popular items is nothing new; there were reports of iPhone versions back in 2015. The stun vape version hit the news last year and gang members were claiming they’d managed to import them from America: “The old bill has no idea. Everyone is on e-cigs these days so they don’t look out of place.”

It’s good to hear that none of the victims suffered any serious damage, but it’s troubling that this could reflect poorly on vaping if such weapons became more widely available.

We’ve helped to highlight attacks on vape stores and thefts of vape kit in the past. Each time there will be many comments about what people would like to do to the perpetrators. This actually happened in Indonesia recently.

A young man broke into the Old Vape House, South Jakarta, and is alleged to have stolen a mod worth around £100. Seven men are reported to have attacked him, resulting in his death. Four of them have been arrested while three remain on the run.

It serves as a caution to anybody thinking such things deserve direct action. For such an insignificant amount of money, one man is now dead and seven others face a long term in prison.

But Jakarta is no stranger to vape-related crime; the local police have also recently arrested a number of people for distributing drugs inside bottles of eliquid.

People would transfer around £150 directly into a bank account and wait for a person to deliver their 60ml bottle of narcotics. The police didn’t say what the drug was, just that it was “similar” to the effect of smoking marijuana.

A soft sentence for a soft drug then? Not a chance: the Indonesian 1997 Narcotics Law carries a maximum life sentence or the death penalty.

As Crimewatch’s Nick Ross said: “Don’t have nightmares, do sleep well.”

Say hello to a bright new dawn. Say hello to an exciting future. Say hello to the only must-have item in the world of electronic cigarettes. Say hello to the peak of Mount Vaping. Say goodbye to the contents of your wallet, purse, bags and pockets. Say “Bloody hell, I need that in my life!”

World, welcome iWire X!

Our new partner said to us that we’d be better off launching iWire 1 to the market. We scoffed at them. While that brand might know the fruit that’s always left uneaten in fruit bowls, and maybe phones, and computers, they certainly do not know vapers.

Vapers don’t want iWire 1. Whatever that concept was it became outdated a week later when we’d have launched iWire 2. By the following lunchtime, we’d have been doing a press conference about iWire 3 and announcing that all support for iWire 1 had been scrapped. No, this is the future and that means something with an X on the end of the name.

Class-leading features

Like any great product worth having, it is reassuringly expensive in the United States. At a cracking $129 a reel, it screams “aspirational vaping accessory“. Such a desirable product would be let down if we didn’t pretend that exchange rates and import duties justified the UK price of £189.

How many other reels of wire come in a bespoke box? None, that’s how many. And if they did then it wouldn’t be a white box with two free stickers and a dedicated set of matching earplugs. This is how you recognise quality – this is how people know you are a human of distinction.

The iWire X is ahead of the curve with a dynamic 6cm of width, a touch sensitive reel and facial recognition. Yes, that’s correct, you read it correctly – the iWire reel comes complete with face recognition. All you need to do is stare at the reel, take in its simple form while it processes the millions of points on your head. Then you are all set to go.

Clearly, there is no speaker or screen so you are going to have to take our word for it that facial recognition works…but when have we ever lied to you?Other reels are fiddly to use; everybody knows that. Wire spools off when you least want it to. So does the iWire, but that is a design feature so that everybody nearby can see you are using iWire and therefore attractive, intelligent and desirable.

Our iWire X is the very first wire for coiling that has had a roaming function designed into the product and will also accept MicroSIM cards. It won’t do anything with them afterwards, but it is comforting to know they are accepted.

Of course, iWire X only works with the iMod and iAtomiser. To purchase them you will need to book an appointment with one of our iGenies at the iStealthVapeStore. Once there, we can advise you of the best organs to sell in order to afford the complete package. Credit checks can be performed in-store to see if you qualify for our obscenely expensive loans.

iWire X – the product people want only because other people want it!

It should be pointed out that while no intelligent person would ever stoop to watch Love Island, it is permissible (in the name of research) to view an episode. That’s what I told my daughter, as she stood in the doorway pointing and laughing. Fine, everybody points and laughs at me, but that’s not the point.

Love Island is like TV’s vaping in that some people find it very pleasurable while others look on wondering why and how. But, again like vaping, if it doesn’t upset the animals or offend the vicar then people can carry on to their heart’s content.

Over two million people watch Love Island, TWO MILLION. You can’t get sniffy about those figures if you’re into marketing. An advertising slot in one of the breaks of this show will cost a fortune because of the public’s affection for swimsuits and suntans.

Do you know what the public don’t like? It’s not the getting drunk on television like they do every day on Big Brother. It’s not naked bodies and dimly lit sexual acts. And, surprisingly, it’s not the cockney accents on Eastenders. No, what the public really hates is smoking.

Everybody on Love Island smokes. Even the fish and trees smoke. Probably. They smoke so much that 200 fags a day are delivered to the little televised paradise. And those smokes are sparked up in front of the young and old sitting transfixed to their televisions.

Fewer complaints were received about full-on sex being televised than were sent regarding the blatant smoking going on. Depending on your point of view, this is either a sign of the public maturing or the end of the world.

But what does complaining ever achieve? I’ve complained about meals, the lack of cricket on terrestrial television, and the Xmas Number 1 every year – hasn’t changed a thing.

It took just 24 moans about puffing on fags to get ITV bosses to reconsider their approach to tobacco-related diseases, and they’ve decided to deliver vapes to the island paradise.

Without having to spend a single penny on advertising, electronic cigarettes are going to be placed front and centre on a show only eclipsed by the Antiques Roadshow and Countryfile. Two million people are going to see vaping as a safer solution to smoking disease and death. They are going to see ecigs as sexy. It’s probably the greatest victory in the harm reduction battle to date, and we applaud it. Well done, Love Island.

If you or somebody you know has been affected by any reference to Love Island, call the Stealthvape Love Island hotline on 0898-LOVEISLAND [Calls cost £17.23 per minute]

How does he do it? How does Tom appear throughout history and do everything? Well, the answer lies in the factual story of his childhood, where he made a wish and became older overnight. In this true tale about Tom, we all learnt that bigger is better than smaller. Big Tom got to play on huge keyboards, own a swish apartment and was allowed to stand out of the roof of a limo. You try doing that – within seconds you’ll be told the insurance doesn’t cover it. Because you aren’t as big as Tom was.

We all realised that ‘Big’ is the most important thing. Wagon Wheels expanded to an optimum size, McMeals could be supersized, and all the short people in the Harlem Globetrotters were fired. The human race really doesn’t appreciate the impact of Tom Hanks on the world – he’s made everything big. Well, if not big then at least bigger.

Does anybody care about a normal size house being built? No, but ask that person about some massive skyscraper and they’ll go ‘Oooh’, and ‘Wow’, and ‘I hope that’s not going to ruin my view, otherwise I’m complaining to the council’.

People adore the big stuff.

Mice? Pah, stupid squeaky things. Call me when there’s a capybara with clogs on, going clip-clippety-clop on the stair – then tell me how lucky you are, Ronnie Hilton.

Lions? Tigers? They’re just insignificant wild moggies. What you want is a liger; part lion, part tiger, all massive feline and ten times better than a tigon. It’s a vast 922lb beast – and fair warning of why the residents of Devon and Cornwall shouldn’t interbreed.

And anyway Devon and Cornwall, neither of you impress anyone. We’re all stoked with Russia being 17,098,242 square kilometres and China having 1.4 billion people. Those are big things. Big things are impressive.

Which is why we are prepared to be deeply impressed by Tesla as it sets about constructing the largest lithium-ion battery in the world. The only downside to this 129MWh lump is that it’s going to be at an Australian wind farm, and Australia has all but banned vaping.

If Tesla had the foresight to stick it in the States, with all the other massive roadside erections, somebody could have paired it with the biggest mod humanity had ever witnessed.

Maybe somebody will still have the decency to do that and make it useful. Who needs a better form of interrupted power supply management? No, ship it to Bovey in Devon, mate it to the biggest mod ever and get Tom Hanks to puff on it. Capybara and Wagon Wheel flavour. Something big.

Surströmming. What is it? Where does it come from? Can a doctor clear it up if it’s caught early enough? The answer is that we don’t know. Well, we know it’s herring, but shortly after you appreciate this fact everything becomes a huge bucketload of “You what?!”

For reasons only known to themselves, 16^th Century Swedes took rotten Baltic sea herrings and fermented them for a minimum of six months until they got all bitter and incredibly stinky. Then they ate them. At least some of them did. Enough for the next generation of Swedes to give it a go too. And so on. Until the Internet was invented and the world discovered Surströmming – and also found out that almost all Swedes have never heard of it until they read the Internet.

But it’s hardly caviar or a juicy burger, what gives it an element of desirability? It could be the retch-inducing stench when the tin is opened, it could be the repulsive taste – but we reckon it’s because of the bans.

First off, European politicians (being European politicians) tried to ban the fearsome fishy feast because it is too high in polychlorinated biphenyl. We simply aren’t allowed to make our own choices, right? Anyway, Sweden won a special concession on the basis that they made a good argument or invented Vikings or something.

Then it was time for British Airways and Air France to led all of the airline companies in bringing in their own ban. They argued that the fermentation caused the tins to become pressurised – and therefore constituted little fishy bombs that could go off without any notice.

The Swedish Surströmming Academy cried out: “Oh for Cods hake!” They pointed out flights should ban champagne and French cheese as it posed as much risk.

But when things get banned people become interested in seeing it, touching it and trying it. The plane operators did more than the politicians could manage with a deft swish of a pen on a document: they made Surströmming interesting to the world. They made Surströmming a little bit sexy.

And so our government has launched its big plan to combat the remaining problem of stubborn smoking-related diseases in the UK. They see vaping as a major part of the solution, which is nice. But our message to them is simple: make vaping devices illegal and force liquid manufacturers to make juices smell bad, taste awful and come in sealed tins. Remaining smokers know all about ecigs, they are choosing not to use them – so give them a reason, make it exciting like Surströmming.

Maybe you are aware of the awesomeness that was the original Doom. Millions of otherwise healthy and sane adults were stuck to their PCs in the early 90s, as they battled with hordes of demons and seemingly endless waves of the undead.

And if you knew this, then you might also be aware that there was a reboot of the franchise in 2016. The games company Bethesda gave deadheads another dose of well-received goretastic mayhem. Even if you knew all of this already, did you also know there were some special satanic secrets?

One of the songs in the game is called Cyberdemon, and programmers cleverly hid the number 666 and a pentagram as images in the track’s frequencies – only visible using a spectrogram. It’s in the video below if you want to play it to the residents at a local old people’s home or for a primary school class assembly.

The hidden stuff in games is nothing new; product placement in video games has been going on for a while – from Pepsi Invaders in 1983 to Obama election campaign ads on billboards within multiple games. The thing is this, now researchers are experimenting with something similar in order to warn kids off vaping.

The University of Connecticut has received a grant of almost $400,000 (£308,000) from America’s National Institutes of Health to target game-playing teens with anti-smoking messages. Apparently, according to the beneficiary of this cash, postdoc psychologist Christopher Burrows, teens are more susceptible to these messages when playing games. So him and his mate Hart Blanton have created a first-person shooter and a car racing games as vehicles to carry public health messages.

“With surveys indicating that 97% of adolescents and 80% of young adults play video games for entertainment, use of entertainment video games as a tool for delivering graphic warnings has tremendous potential to influence youth cigarette and e-cig rates.”

Did we say teens are more susceptible to accept messages? It sounds far better in the researchers’ words: “The project is needed to test the viability of ‘The Virtual Transportation Model of Health Communication,’ the theory that kids can be propagandised more easily when they are gaming.”

The pair intends on inserting anti-vape ads into two pre-existing games, get kids to play them and then ask them how they feel about vaping. Doubtless, to prove they should have more cash, they will discover that young people respond well to such messages and they need to carry out more trials with more game formats.

And the fact that vaping is 95% safer than smoking will be lost on them all.

So, is vaping Doomed? Highly unlikely, although it may be time to go IDDQD on American anti-vape organisations.