Vote for Me

My record of failing to be recognised for doing unremarkable and mundane things stretches back to my schooldays where my Dad told me to never, ever volunteer for anything. The one and only time he did, during his National Service, he had his bicycle stolen. Such sterling advice stuck with me but I extended it to include a lifetime of abstaining from putting in any extra effort or (as inculcated by one regional sales manager) “thinking outside the box.â€

I’ve not come up with an idea for a better coil, and improved method of wicking or even managed to pass on helpful advice without the caveat that I “haven’t a damn clue what I’m talking about.†If I’ve ever loved a juice then I’ll point out as quickly as I mention its name that no one else probably will. I don’t aspire to mediocrity, I shun opportunities for failure – I spurn the chance for someone to steal my metaphorical vaping bicycle.

Sometimes I forget myself. Sometimes I fail to remember that I’m not seeking the most outrageously great vape in the world. Something happening around the middle of a Bell curve of taste is fine with me. In fact, upon reflection, maybe I should have just stuck with the leaking, shorting Fogger V2 – it was made with a person like me in mind. That is if it’s possible to make something dreadful for someone you don’t give a damn about? Hang on, that is entirely possible; I’ve eaten at The Trading Post gastropub in Kettering.

I see myself as a human version of the element Lawrencium. No matter what box someone tries to cram me into I always appear to be in the wrong place. But this is going to change. Oh yes.

With the general election dominating my television and Vapers in Power pushing the ecig agenda I have decided to do something proactive. I am going to stand as your independent candidate for all matters vape related. And, in the spirit of a true politician, I shall endeavour to represent all points of view so that I can garner votes.

Subomming? You want to be able to do it in Asda? I’m with you. I fully support your choice to vape how, when and where you want – even if this includes blowing massive clouds in the cockpit of a fully laden international 747. The choice should be yours, not the funeral director’s, if you want to wander into a random service and chuck some chunky white stuff.

What’s that? You loathe those subohmmers? So do I. I hate them and their stupid little drippers with gaping holes in the side. I’m just the MP for you; I’ll fight for your right to ban their daft no-nic, high-VG juices.

In my administration, should you all elect me, I guarantee that social media will be either full or empty of any mention of the Goblin RTA, the Subtank and the Yihi Mini mod. This is a subject close to my heart that I care passionately about. Depending on what you fancy.

And what about those foreigners and their clones, eh? What do you think about that? Because whatever it is I wholeheartedly agree and always have done. Don’t think for one minute that my public school education and University degrees have left me out of touch with the common vaping person in the street, no matter what the other candidates say, it hasn’t. I can believe in anything you want me to and if that includes using CE2 atomisers well I am on board with that as well.

I don’t need corporate bankers or a crowd-funded campaign to get this show on the road but, until my MP’s salary starts rolling in, I wouldn’t mind a campaign donation to get a Zero mod.

Vote common sense. Vote for a better vaping future. Vote for someone who shares your values. Vote for me.