Monthly Archives: February 2020

Some like to have a simple, tight draw while others want an open draw to rival sucking on the Mersey tunnel. There are vapers who exhale discrete puffs, barely noticeable to all but the most irritating moaner. There are vapers who produce cloudbanks, which cause warnings on the shipping forecast, and there are vapers who do all manner of tricks. But the problem has always been that you have to set up your kit for one thing.

Not anymore.

We’ve designed something that is all things to everybody. You’ll be amazed at the simple beauty of the Stealthvape Vaping Vapebox For Vapers ™. OK, we admit, it doesn’t scrub up very well in photographs – but then neither did Audrey Hepburn without 3kg of makeup. That’s a fact we found on the internet – and the internet never lies. You can believe that because you are reading this on the internet.

This is a machine that blows O’s, does tricks, chucks out clouds of predetermined lengths (from amateur to comp winner) and even produces clouds resembling famous celebrities. You too will be able to make an octopus or make it look like your lounge has just been visited by the ghost of Giant Haystacks, the wrestler. For those who want to turn full pro, the Stealthvape Vaping Vapebox For Vapers ™ means sponsorship is almost definitely guaranteed – if you can find someone to pay you to vape.

How does it work? The box has two modes: blow and suck. The suck function is for those looking for simple vaping. The self-contained atomiser feeds up to the mouth using our patented Gobtube. The user friendly buttons allow the experience to be personalised in under three hours of easy button pressing.

But when it’s time to party, the blow function will give you tricks for days. The adult lock can be enabled to turn off the suck function meaning all your children and grandchildren can join in the vape japes and malarkey too.

The box has been future-proofed. Our downloadable interface will work on all the operating systems – both Windows 95 AND Windows 98. Not only that, we realise that the more technically advanced among you will now be using Windows XP and we will be launching a patch to accommodate that in 2019.

It’s fully customisable too with our range of exciting and useful range of accessories:

• Gobtubes in different colours and materials
• Extendable Gobtubes for vaping during commutes, riding motorbikes, marathon running or something like space exploration or whatever.
• Seeing a bandwagon to jump on, we’re also launching a range of Stealthvape Vaping Vapebox For Vapers switchback caps.
• External backpack juice reservoir with solar recharger so you can literally vape for days.
• Downloadable celebrity faces, animal shapes and rude objects for cloud formations.

We know that you’ll be as excited about this as we are, so we urge you to get on this quick. Demand will be through the roof, along with the price, so make sure you don’t miss out on owning your very own Stealthvape Vaping Vapebox For Vapers™.

As a company supplying products to customers, we go to huge lengths in order to ensure that the items we source are of the highest quality. We need to make sure that what will sell will be safe in use and your pleasure is not impaired. But, should the worst happen, we have arranged comprehensive cover with a product liability policy.

In order to limit the potential for accidents we carry out risk assessments and fully test all products prior to them being listed on the website. We consider the materials used, the design, potential situations in use and subscribe to RAPEX (the European notification system for products posing a risk).

But we live in the real world and fully understand that the best-laid plans can go awry. We believe that it is both prudent and responsible to ensure that we carry suitable product liability insurance to give you the reassurance that, as a responsible vendor, we are able to deal with unforeseeable incidents.

Although the heaviest burden falls on the manufacturers of products, we have made sure that we carry sufficient cover should you be seriously injured or suffer damage to personal property while using a product that we sold. In addition to this, government regulations stipulate that products sourced from the European Union or America oblige the vendor to accept the responsibility for product liability.

Such protection for the end consumer does not come cheap – but we don’t put a price on your peace of mind. In fact, as the vape market is still relatively new, many brokers refuse to cover businesses at all. We are delighted to have sourced a policy especially tailored for the vape market, from a broker who fully understands the business and potential risks.

We have always taken a proactive stance regarding product safety and promoting customer awareness. We promise to warn you about any potential risks should they come to light, to provide you with relevant information to assist you in understanding any potential risks, to continually monitor the safety of the products we source to sell and take immediate action if a problem is discovered – all in full accordance with The General Product Safety Regulations 2005.

If you are concerned about one of our products or believe it is responsible for an incident we would ask you to let us know as soon as possible, providing as much information as possible. Photographs will help us to expedite the process although being able to see the problem first hand is the best scenario and we would urge you to contact us about arranging a return.

We are always happy to answer your questions on this or any other matter. You can email us by using the form or details on this page.

“My little Johnny loves to vape,” Gladys Hip-Problem told us, “but he struggled to afford all of those large bottles.” We hear you, Gladys. For too long the vape industry has forgotten about all the non-working vapers out there. “It’s like, those 120ml bottles go from forty pounds and up. How is a 12yr-old going to buy them? He isn’t, that’s how. He struggles to find the money for his weekend WKDs as it is.”

“He got picked on in the playground by the rich kids who laugh at him. ‘Johnny no-vapes’ they call him. It’s not fair – the teachers did nothing. He’s clutching his tiny bottle of juice while they’re carting around huge great carafes. All I can say is a big ‘thank EU’ to the politicians responsible for this new law. Now the rest of them are going to have to buy 10 microscopic containers with their chip money too, it’s really levelled the playing field. And the playground. And Maths lessons – well they have to do something in class because that Mr Crabtree is awful.”

Yes, thanks to Linda McAvan MEP, everybody from the long-term disabled to the Terrible Twos can now share in this wonderful Act of equality. McAvan has been concerned about the declining rates of teen smoking for some time and saw attacking ecigs as a brilliant way to redress this.

“The trouble for small hands is that they have difficulty grasping a big bottle of eLiquid,” said business expert Tim Wingnut, famed for being fired on Series 3 of The Apprentice after he failed to sell fried food to Glaswegians. “McAvan correctly identified that an easy-hold 10ml bottle would overcome this and have them on plain packs of Bensons before the year is out.”

“Johnny has already worked out that he can fit twelve different flavours and two of his favourite mods into his pencil case as long as he takes out all of those useless pens,” add Mrs Hip-Problem. “He’s delighted.”

We asked Gladys if she felt the ban on advertising was a step too far? “Absolutely not,” she replied. “Sure, he liked to look at the pictures and stuck them up on his wall, but it’s not like any of these kids can read anyways. Plus, there is such a demand for the illegal adverts that he’s selling them on eBay and using the money to buy more atomisers.”

Wingnut continues: “The genius of McAvan and her peers is that they also banned packs of ten cigs. They noticed that a kid with a small pack might finish them and quit – or, worse, have a couple of stingy mates poncing fags are bring about the quit attempt even sooner. By ensuring that kids moving up into smoking have to buy 20 smokes at a time will guarantee they stay coughing for longer and will always have one for the bus shelter.”

“In my professional opinion: I’ve not seen such thorough thinking since some ‘Swiss army knife of business skills’ stored calamari in the sun at the start of Series 11 of The Apprentice. Did you know I was in The Apprentice once? Would you like my autograph?”

“Me and Johnny are so thankful to that lovely Mr Cameron,” finished the mad mother. “Without him rubber-stamping the TPD it wouldn’t be happening. He knows that restricting the strength means kids won’t be put off by high-nic juices. He’s really brilliant, I’ve always trusted politicians who eat a hotdog with a knife and fork.”

In the 192-page document, The RCP lay bare the lies put up against vaping and detail exactly why everyone should embrace electronic cigarettes as a harm reduction tool. When taken together with the Public Health England 95% Safer report, the evidence is now overwhelming – there can be no disputing the fact that vaping is substantially better than smoking and offers an excellent way out of addiction.

Contributors to the report included some of the best-informed members of the research and academic communities:

• Deborah Arnott, ASH
• Richard Ashcroft, Queen Mary University
• Linda Bauld, University of Stirling
• John Britton, University of Nottingham
• Peter Hajek, Queen Mary University
• Ann McNeill, King’s College
• Robert West, University College London

The report covers topics such as the breadth of smoking in Britain, how nicotine affects the body, the role for e-cigarettes in harm reduction and the ethics surrounding its adoption. What it also does it tackle the objections to allowing vaping head on. How many times have we read warnings that vaping can lead society back to the normalisation of smoking and undo decades of progress in reducing smoking-related deaths? The debate over proposals to restrict the use of ecigs in Wales was dominated by mentions of an alleged gateway effect – whereby non-smokers would be tempted into using tobacco cigarettes after using an ecig first. Plus, opponents argue that vaping only provides a temporary escape from smoking, and that vapers return to smoking as a result because they don’t make a clean break. The report crushes all three of their core arguments: “there is no evidence that any of these processes is occurring to any significant degree in the UK.”

As Duncan Selbie from Public Health England says: “The evidence is clear; vaping is much less harmful to health than smoking, and this report further highlights the important role of e-cigarettes in reducing the deadly harms smoking causes.” The chief executive stated that if smokers combined vaping with the services offered by a local Quit program they stood an “extremely good chance of quitting smoking successfully.”

We welcome the Royal College of Physicians Report and hope the government takes on board its messages. We hope that they see that Article 20 of the Tobacco Products Directive will act as a barrier to many of the recommendations and be very detrimental to the nascent British vaping industry.

In case you have been living on the Moon this week, the Chancellor of the Exchequer presented his budget to Parliament. Part of it entailed a tax on sugar in drinks, an annual fee to listen to Def Leopard’s Pour Some Sugar on Me and a pay-to-view charge for each time Evil Dead’s Ash asks for some sugar. Baby.

We know how this is going to pan out. First they wanted to limit our tanks, then they wanted to limit our juice bottles – and just around the corner you’ll only be able to vape during the weekends after lunchtime. Clearly, sugar users can face further restrictions on processed food, donuts and the sickly smile breakfast TV presenters use.

But we’ve been making plans for the bans and we’ve got dedication to beat the legislation. We’re ahead of the curve. For a starter, and most obviously, Fasttech will no doubt be launching cloned fizzy drinks. Get your carbonated fluid friends up to speed with ordering from the Far East. All they need to do is anticipate when they are going to be feeling thirsty and make sure they order three weeks before that point.

Such a process cries out for an implementation of the back-up to your back-up plan and an inventive soul will be busy beavering away making a bandolier that takes drink tins.

We also know that buying the components separately is key to circumvention. Oddly, the thing not carrying any surcharge as part of the sugar tax is, err, sugar. Probably, once public health experts realise that bags of it are more dangerous than nic base combined with live ammunition, it may be banned or restricted to single serving sachets. In the meantime, why not consider setting up a Drink Shop where the public can pop in to buy their own glass bottle, a bag of carbon dioxide, a vial of brown sludge and a bunch of sugar cane sticks.

You know what the response will be: “but I can’t be bothered to make my own drink.” Aha, you’ll reply using your juice knowledge, but you can make it yourself for pennies. Not just that but you can go on to add how much fun it is to wear plastic gloves, the ecstasy of measuring things with a syringe and how the whole family loves it when you fill the fridge with mixing products.

The trouble will come when people begin to try to take their homemade fizzy liquids onto planes or when bottles explode during the night. Welcome to our world, sugar lovers. Welcome to our world!

We want to turn those frowns upside down and see nothing but happy faces. There may be no “I” in Team but there is “Vagina Temp”, “Mega Van Pit” and  “Anti Amp Veg” in Team Vaping. So the question we posed ourselves was how we could get all the vapers in the world to come together, bond and think with a hive mind. And the answer is simple: The Stealthvape Corporate Fun Team-Building Activity Centre.

Located on the edge of the delightful Thurrock Business Park, our seven-story management event centre is all about idea showers, helicopter views, low hanging fruit and cascading information. Vapers can come and touch base offline or look under the bonnet of our interactive online strategic staircase. We don’t just have buzzwords, we have activities like:

• Get all your ducks in a row. Teams of vapers will endeavour, against the clock, to produce a 93-page report and give a presentation to one of us impersonating a public health expert. Bonus points will be awarded for the use of evidence-based proposals and accuracy of custard pie throwing.

• Put a record on and see who dances. We have all the records and an ample supply of alcohol. Drinking to excess, making a fool of yourself and laughing at each other the next morning has been a bonding method for centuries. The winning team will be the one who places the most stunt traffic cones on the artificial bus shelter.

• Run it up the flagpole. The outward-bound aspect to the course sees teams race against each other to be the first to traverse a route from Tilbury Docks, passed the sewage treatment works and finishing East Tilbury. Prizes will be earned by those who have contracted the fewest diseases; deaths count double.

In the space of a long weekend, groups of hitherto grumpy individuals bearing grudges for those who vape in a different manner will be transformed into shiny, smiley cohorts of thoroughly bonded chums.

Previous attendees commented in the book:

• “I never thought I could learn to love a clone user, but we’ve since been out for a number of dates and now we’re married.”
• “I used to throw rotten fruit at people I saw blowing clouds in the street – now I take them out for meals and free sex. Thank you Stealthvape Corporate Fun Team-Building Activity Centre!”
• “I remember thinking that everyone who bought boutique liquids was funny in the head. The team bonding activities really worked. I still think they’re not right in the head but I no longer leave bags of flaming excrement on their doorsteps. Cheers for everything.”

There you have it, the Stealthvape Corporate Fun Team-Building Activity Centre worked for them – it can work for you too.

Travel by plane, train or, as the late John Candy demonstrated, automobile is often not easy. But the issue is more fraught when you are a vaper as it can lead to danger, being spoken to in a condescending voice or even public humiliation. We plan on tackling the toughest challenges head on.

In a car, especially at this time of year, vaping leaves a residue over the windscreen. It can quickly build up and combine with dust particles to form a barrier that scatters light in multiple directions and leave the driver feeling like that acid tab from 1982 is kicking in again. It should be noted at this point that this is simply information we’ve gleaned from our research and does not reflect our lifestyle choices.

While some may tell you to use an alcohol-based wipe to clear the screen we believe they have overlooked the cost this would incur to a heavy cloud chucker. The solution, as if it wasn’t obvious enough, is to have a small child hold the steering wheel while you lean out of the driver’s window and carry on vaping. If also means that you will be able to give other travellers a friendly smile as you point to the impressive cloud you’d just exhaled. A cheeky wink at the same time will elicit smiles and goodwill amongst the other road users – and probably improve the overall image of vaping to boot.

As little Johnny angles the motor into a stationary vehicle in the station car park, it’s time to turn our attention to trains. Be it on the platform or in the carriage, there are multitudes of people ready and willing to take offense at something they can neither smell nor be endangered by. A number of strategies are open to us in overcoming this problem starting with a Thomas the Tank Engine costume. Instead of demanding a SWAT team wipe your blood over platform 2A, parents will be lining up to shove their children’s faces into your chimneystack.

Fancy dress is less practical in the confines of a carriage. By far the best play here is to take some tugs behind a newspaper and then, after breathing out, declare in a loud voice that you are worried you are about to self-combust again. In order to make this tactic work for you it pays to have spent thirty minutes talking in a loud voice about the last time it happened. If no one is sitting with you then pretend to have this conversation on a cellphone, everyone loves to listen in on other’s telephone conversations.

The police will have safely handed over little Johnny to social services, and impounded your car, by the time you arrive at the airport. The trick to dealing with vapes on a plane is to keep an eye on the toilet. Thrill seekers continue enjoy a bout of coupling at altitude and will be so focussed on each other they’ll never notice you nipping in at the same time. Grab an article of frantically discarded clothing, place it over the smoke detector and lose yourself in a flavoured haze. The fog you’ve produced will help you to return to your seat unnoticed, leaving you free to tut loudly with the other passengers at the toilet couple being berated by angry cabin crew.

We would like to take this opportunity to thank you for travelling with Stealthvape, to remind you to return your seats to the upright position and hope that you have a lovely weekend.

During 2015, he said, the NHS dealt with over 25,217 incidents directly related to the use of electronic cigarettes. The incidents included an unplanned pregnancy after a Miss Shona Tights confused her contraceptive pills with a starter kit, and a surprise sex change when Roberta Buttocks (formally known as Robert) mistakenly used a venting unregulated device.

Martin McPies, a leading British health campaigner, greeted news that the sale of all merchandise will be banned with delight. “It is overdue,” he said with a wide grin. “I have been demanding this kind of response ever since I heard of so-called ‘vaping’ last week.” McPies has dedicated his online life to outing the dangers faced by vapers. He spoke to us about the clear links between suppliers of eliquid and organised crime, that vaping has been proven to radicalise potential terrorists and that an ecig user said something nasty about him on Twitter.

We contacted the British Medical Council for their take on the subject. Professor Simon Cashback, qualified surgeon and part-time drag act, confirmed: “We’ve been researching the dangers of smoking for decades. Thanks to the billions of pounds we’ve received there is a clear understanding of how cigarettes ruin lives.” In a plea to ministers, he added: “We now need at least the same amount of money to spend on yachts and golf equipment so we can categorically link vaping to cigarettes.”

“For a start, they look the same,” Cashback stated. “They both look like strong, attractive penises – except this new type of death stick is made from metal. Other things made of metal include bombs, guns and Lemmy from Mötorhead. – and just look what happened to him! Plus, these e-cigarettes have metal bits on the top too, just imagine the carnage in maternity wards if women had metal nipples.” Powerful arguments with strong implications.

We put the points raised to Timothy Frothingatthemouth, freelance vaping advocate and full-time power-walking blogger. “It’s all about money,” explained Tim. “There are studies out there like the one showing a field of bunnies thrived when given access to mods and atomisers.” Although McPies for one questioned the methodology of the bunny research, Tim remains unfazed. “Not only did the buns demonstrate easier breathing while copulating, compared to when they used to smoke the fags researchers gave them, but they also improved their fine motor skills as a result of coil building.”

McPies replied to this point in an email: “Yes, but it then raises the question of what would happen if rabbits with keen hand-eye coordination were to find access to weapons of mass destruction. Can you tell me they wouldn’t kill everyone given the opportunity? That’s so-called vapers for you. That’s why the ban is justified.”

“Money and genitals. Genitals and money,” concluded Frothingatthemouth. “How can we ever move forward when politicians and public health experts are obsessed with money and genitals?”

Death by Fire

Much has been made of li-ion batteries, which is a shame because they could be found in anything. It seems unfair that vaping has to share a danger with laptops, cellphones and torches. It might be better for current smokers to weigh up a more directly attributable issue.

So there you are happily making a new coil, gently threading in the wick and loading up with a juice that tastes so awesome it could have been made by angels. It’s something so enthralling that you utterly forget about the bread you placed into the toaster until the alarm shreds the focussed silence. Now you face one of two options: disable the fire alarm or ignore it, there are no alternatives. It doesn’t matter whether you opt for route one or two, either way it’s going to end up as an inferno and people being interviewed on television saying how you weren’t as bad as the others are making out.

Death by Ignorance

We all begin vaping without knowing everything, but then we get hooked into buying spares for our spares and within six months you need a shipping container for storage. Large collections mean a number of things: firstly, develop some good DIY skills. Shelves were made for books, picture frames and those things your sister-in-law gives you for Christmas.

A collapsing shelf is the least of the issues here. Collecting too many vape things leads to losing things. Not knowing where that reel of wire went leads to anger. Slipping on that reel (kindly placed on the stairs by a caring relative) results in a ten-foot slide, a trip to A&E and people being interviewed on television saying how you weren’t as bad as the others are making out.

Death by Groin

We were all smokers, the statistics say so. Those of us with decent hand-eye coordination also hold a driving licence. This means that a huge swathe of vapers have experienced the joy of a lit cigarette falling down between your legs while on the motorway. And it’s this experience, burned into the psyche and thighs everywhere, that stops us popping our mods between our legs when on the road.

And we can’t not vape as nothing says “I’m an awesome driver” more than someone peering through a windscreen surrounded by clouds. And because we don’t have anywhere decent to store a mod in the vehicle it teeters from where it was balanced, it shifts – it sends the drive-thru coffee groinwards. Against the backdrop of emergency lights, people are being interviewed on television saying how you were the kind of stupid that would Vote Trump.

Vaping isn’t safe, but then neither is living.

Then the spirit of progress arrived in the form of bulldozers, diggers and men. But then progress is awesome when you’re 8 years-old and allowed to do anything during the summer. We gave little thought to the grass being churned or them razing the beautiful dovecot to the ground because for kids scaffolding is like cake to members of the Women’s Institute. Not just any scaffolding, this was 1970’s scaffolding. This was the kind that didn’t have an impenetrable fence surround or daft signs telling you to go away. Daft signs compelling you to go vandalise a bus shelter instead – and this would have been really stupid as we’d already done that.

A new road and identikit houses rose from the rubble and mud. The stream steadily filled with old cement bags and then the village shop shut down. Something was going wrong with the world. It was becoming a greyer place. Adulthood beckoned with a life devoid of milk floats, rural bus services and frequent power cuts. I didn’t have a concept that this would become a preamble for a tale on the UK’s leading vaping spares company’s website at the time. When it took place I didn’t care about the future.

So there it is, an event from my life that I’ve now despatched to the Internet like Peter Kay tale of yore, but lacking in humour and no mention of lamb bhuna. That’s because we didn’t have them; if we wanted to go all fancy food then it was lasagne or a Sodastream. Damn, now I’m just a couple of references to Juliet Bravo and Crackerjack away from a full-on Kay routine.

Sharing. It’s nice to share, it has to be true because that’s what children are told. We don’t lie to kids. Imagine the misery that would exist in a small person if they had to eat an entire packet of Haribos all by themself. No, little ones prefer to feel a warm glow of contentment as a parent removes a fistful. Sharing stories or sharing sweets, it matters not – the world adores being involved in our lives.

And that is why joy is unbridled when it comes to like and share competitions on Facebook. Not only do you get to see what competitions are running you can count how many of your friends have already entered by the email notifications of being tagged in them.