Auntie Stealthvape Replies

“Dear Auntie Stealthvape,

I was one of the millions of people upset by the outright banning of DDT in the 70s. I love everything about the Monsanto Company almost as much as I hate insects and therefore jumped with joy when I was told that the nicotine eliquid contained in my juice was a powerful insecticide. Can you confirm this for me and suggest the best method to banish all manner of invertebrates from my domicile?

Yours, Jeremy Flange, Belperâ€


Dear Jeremy, I checked with the Daily Mail and can confirm that they are unable to substantiate claims that it is an effective means of pest control. But do not weep as I have discovered a brilliant way to transform juice into a thorough bee basher: the plans for R.J. Wagner’s high velocity liquid droplet weapon for space warfare gun. Please write back and send pictures of your successes.


“Dear Auntie Stealthvape,

I find myself facing the prospect of the in-laws coming over but our downstairs bog is an utter state. Personally, I’d rather not go to the expense of purchasing some toilet cleaning products and wondered if I could use my eliquid to kill them to save my embarrassment?

With love, Gladys Citalopram, Cheamâ€


Dear Gladys,thank you for your letter, you really made me laugh. Who amongst us can honestly say we haven’t wondered the very same thing? Unfortunately all those stories in the Daily Mirror were nonsense and eliquid will not do the job for you. This is where the solid mechanical mod is your friend, the larger the better for bludgeoning.


“Dear Auntie Stealthvape,

We find ourselves in the most invidious position. Our new neighbours moved in last month and turned out to be none other than professor Stanton Glantz. Within days he was leaving his sloppy thinking all over our lawn and littering the street by lazily parking his daft notions. Do you think we should dig a big pit, fill it with eliquid and cover it with copies of the Public Health England report or move?

Thanking you in advance, Bert and Ernie, Queensâ€


Oh you poor loves, you have my deepest sympathies. Some might suggest sprinkling tiger excrement along your flowerbeds although this can be problematic to get hold of in New York. Probably the best course of action for you is to find something he is afraid of, like Efest batteries. Plant each one an inch into the ground at one foot distances around the perimeter of your property. The Glantz will be so petrified of explosions he will move back to the West Coast immediately.


“Dear Auntie Stealthvape,

I have spent the best part of my last two weeks looking for all of the formaldehyde I was warned about. I can’t find it anywhere. I’ve looked in my vape box, inside every juice bottle and atomiser. It’s nowhere to be found. Is it possible it all fell down the back of the sofa?

Thanks, Barry Tinfoil, Bunnyâ€


Good afternoon, Barry. You didn’t tell me where you bought your juice. I agree, according to the press reports it ought to be overflowing with aldehydes and it sounds like you have been badly let down by an errant manufacturer. In the first instance, I would suggest you contact the liquid maker. Most responsible ones will happily replace the bottle and also send you a free bag of diacetyl by way of an apology. In the meantime, in order to get your fix of formaldehyde goodness, just pop along to the nearest forest and breath in deeply (as the trees give it away for nothing, the fools).


“Dear Auntie Stealthvape,

I took up vaping in order to impress other people but I’ve been told by my mates that the Europe wants to ban everything. Not just my vape stuff but, like, you know, everything. I could probably get by without Jeremy Kyle, the house and oxygen – but my DNA200 mod? No way. Are you aware of any armed insurrection groups with a vaping bent I could join?

Peace out, Foxy Knickers, Basildonâ€


Dear Mr Knickers. Surprisingly, despite having names like ‘The Vaping Militia’, the vape community is thin on the ground when it comes to an armed struggle. Ever since a sub-forum on Mumsnet was caught stockpiling anthrax the government has been pretty hot on clamping down on social media groups. I tried using a strong torch to look at the dark net but it was just like daytime net only with the computer off. Until collections of like-minded individuals coalesce on the cliff tops of Kent, your best bet is to catch a cross-channel ferry and hurl swearwords at the dock workers in Cherbourg. Whatever you do – do not disembark or they will throw cheese at you. I strongly suggest you consider making up a post-EU apocalypse bag containing 17 litres of nicotine base, three tons of cotton wool and 5m of Kanthal.


“Dear Auntie Stealthvape,

I read your reply to Jeremy Flange and was surprised you did not suggest publicly shaming the insects on Twitter. I use public shaming for everything – just this week I posted thirteen tweets under an anonymous name criticising my Kraken V2, and that sorted it out a treat. I guess it helps that I am very rich and have all the best internets. You should see the size of the firewall I built and made Bill Gates pay for. It’s the best wall ever.

Vote, Donald Trump, The best apartment in the best building in the country that I’m going to make great because I’m rich

P.S. I’m going to make a brilliant atomizer called the Trump Atomizer. I’m fantastic at designing atomizers and this is a better atomizer than Hilary could ever make – if she was even allowed to make one. I don’t know, I’ve never ever heard of her so I don’t know. We’re going to have a great atomizer…it’s going to be a terrific atomizer.â€


Thank you for the input, Donald, I had forgotten how powerful the written word can be. Especially when that word is written on a rock and hurled with force. I tried this technique on a coil hot leg problem and it cleared up the issue instantly, something for us all to bear in mind there. I hope your atomiser plans are as successful as Trump Airlines.