“But it’s just a show about walking,” Joan said. “Walking slowly at that. How the heck can you watch this rubbish?” This from a woman who could only burn oven chips and yet sits through each and every celebrity chef show. Her ability to see Dave through bouts of severe manful hadn’t been improved by sitting transfixed by Casualty either.

“It’s a demonstration,” Dave replied while sending the empty tin flying off a wall and missing the bin by a good foot. “They’re demonstrating about not liking something or other and how they want other people not to like it either. Look, they’ve got signs about cheese – it must be something to do with cheese or all dairy products or shops.”

“Seems bloody stupid to me. I didn’t like it when they told me to stop vaping in the library but I didn’t bloody walk anywhere.” Joan was correct; she’d carried on vaping until she was encouraged to leave by to police specials. “Hang on, does this walking and demonstrating thing work then?”

And so an idea was born.

Dave and Joan set to work on making the very best placards a felt tip pen and an old shoebox could manage. Well, if they’d thought of something to write but the cider had a soporific effect their collective brain. When the result was discovered on the kitchen table in the morning they both wondered why they’d spent a night collecting swear words.

Agreeing that the placards were probably a stupid idea, the couple decided just to shout a lot and walk with purpose. “Boo,” they bellowed. “Boo and shame,” they barked at No.10. Now obviously, living in Stoke, London was quite a distance and cost more than a breakfast pint in The Spitbucket Arms. Joan and Dave didn’t bother with London so No.10 The Laurels had to do.

“I’m not sure this is working,” Joan said in that way that makes a statement sound like a question. “Mrs Owens looks confused.”

“Twitter,” said Dave. “We’ll use Twitter to ram our message home. They’ll take notice of that because it’s what all the protestors do.” But then they weren’t sure how to use Twitter or whom they should send their message to. And they were more than a little bit unclear as to what their message was.

The plan evolved. A sit down protest in KFC seemed the best way forward because it was near the library and almost lunchtime. A sit down protest with chicken burgers and gravy. Have that in your face fascist politicians. Or not, most of it was being shovelled into Joan’s at a rate of knots. Vape protests may be going out of fashion in the rest of the country but this one lit a fire in the hearts of the couple. “Next time, how about we try one of them naked protests?”

First there was gin. Then there was opium. Then there was opium and gin. Society ravaged by things bent on ripping it asunder. Then there were collectible series of magazines for your children, which start off at 99p but need an application to Loans4U for the next issue. Addiction combined with a desire to collect is powerful; it enslaves those in its grip. Now there is vape.

Take Norma. She has been bulk buying nicotine base for the last 19 months. Her children have been eating pictures of fish fingers for the last three weeks while the food cupboards are rammed with containers – there was no space left in the freezer or the spare freezer. Norma needs your help.

And don’t forget about Rimesh. The poor lad has been buying every mod released since 2010. Such is the drain on the family’s income his wife hasn’t been able to get a new pair of shoes since last summer – she’s had to make do with the forty-two pairs in the wardrobe. It’s not just the money either. Through tripping over boxes or being hit on the head by falling 18650 devices, Rimesh has been to casualty so often he has his own bed. Rimesh is crying out for something to be done.

Norma and Rimesh are not alone, there’s thousands of vapers who have been bitten by the collecting bug and it’s driven them to a life of misery. At some point their lives are going to come tumbling down like a badly stacked pile of atomisers. The money will dry up and then the chaos will start.

The concept of the ‘poor house’ went into decline shortly after Dickens penned Little Dorrit or something. We don’t know because we didn’t bother to check…but there’s none of them now and that’s for sure. So, for this reason we are asking for your assistance.

We vapers are a band of brothers and sisters – except those who are married because being brothers and sisters because that would make it all a bit weird. Better make that a happy family instead. Anyway, the point is that we’re very good for looking out for one another and so Stealthvape is going to set up the Stealthvape Home for Vapers. It will be a place for everyone forced into penury, sanctuary for all of the vape destitutes.

We intend to provide a place to live, food to eat and 30ml of eliquid a week to those who have fallen on hard times because of their vaping. But there’s more: we will be giving our residents skills for life. There’s no point helping people back onto their feet if they simply go back to their old lives. We will be delivering a variety of classes such as creating toys for children with resistance wire and designing fashions from wick material. It will give them a sense of purpose and wellbeing once again.

So how can you help? Obviously, the easiest way would be for you to post us sacks of money. In fact that’s probably the only way. Just remember, this isn’t a scam – it’s all about helping the Normas and Rimeshes. “Give, us your (chuffing) money!”

Picture the scene: you are sitting on a bench at the seaside. The sun is making you feel good, good enough to ignore the tedious noise from the seagulls. You take the mod from your pocket, press the button and inhale. How could anything be more perfect? Well, obviously a beer might help. And maybe someone is sitting by your side that loves you more than looking at the screen of their smartphone. Yep, perfect.

Wrong.

It would be perfect if both people were celebrities. You are not a celebrity and you’ve not been in a film – at least not one we’ve watched. Now imagine that the man is Leonardo Di Caprio, enjoying the Blackpool vista and soaking in sounds of stag and hen parties drunkenly stumbling past. And consider the sitting next to Leo is that woman from Enchanted who combines beauty with the ability to make vermin do the entire household chores. And maybe those idiots from Geordie Shore are the stag and hen party. Impeccable. This is how the Stealthvape vape movie about vaping begins – with celebrities in love and minor celebrities having a loud fight that offends bystanders.

Now it may be the case that we haven’t written the screenplay, and it may be the case that we have to relocate from Blackpool to a far-flung tropical island, but any story arc that begins and ends in a vape cloud is going to sweep the floor at the next Academy Awards ceremony.

Let’s see Stanton Glantz complain about famous people normalising smoking then. Let’s see him attack the stars of the Stealthvape movie when the world has fallen in love with them for that scene where halfway through the car chase it diverts through a zoo. A zoo full of celebrity animals. That cross-eyed lion from Daktari, he’ll be there. And the talking horse. And Skippy, Lassie, Scooby Doo and Flipper. And they’ll all be vaping because they’re cool.

Does your pet dog vape, Stanton? Has he heard about the cast of Happy Feet toking away and though “Oh boy, I want to be cool like them and it looks so normal and everything”? Of course he hasn’t because vaping doesn’t work like that. You fool, Stanton. Vaping celebrity animals do not normalise smoking either.

There’ll be space ships, motorbikes, superheroes, a love interest, someone destroying the Death Star and a character who has cracking one-liners. It will all take place against a story of a simple man who spends his days posting on an online forum and sharing pictures of cats on Twitter. Vape – The Movie will be the greatest thing you see in whatever year it’s released. Of course, all characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

We looked at the best of the best. We looked at Vape Jam, Vape Expo, Vapefest, Vapetuna, World of Vape, Vape Supermarket and Creamfields (now with added vape) before pulling together the best of each and then adding more. What did we end up with? Stealthvapeonburyexpotacular! In almost the same words used by the not-quite-dead-yet Pythons: it’s a barrel load vape, vape, vape, fun, vape, excitement, vape, vape, laughs, vape, vape, vape, thrills, vape and vape. How much more vape can you get into a single event? We asked Spinal Tap’s Nigel Tufnel and he said: “None more. None more vape.”

Oh sure, there may be queues to get in but that just means you made the correct choice and came to the best event – why else would all these other people be queuing up? It certainly isn’t because we only employed our mate Clive to run the door and he suffers from narcolepsy. No. It’s because (even though we’ve never spoken about this before) thousands of people have already signed up to attend on the website we haven’t made yet.

Unfortunately everybody can’t attend. We’d like you all to come but the class-leading expo centre we selected is under the heel of those Health and Safety fascists who blight our collective lives on a daily basis. The village hall at Broughton Poggs has previously hosted a talk on stamp collecting to the Sunday school…and the WI ran a hugely successful seminar on raffia work that attracted attendees from as far away as Southrop and Little Barrington.

What’s on offer? What isn’t on offer more like! We know that the vape scene is now very ‘scene’ with all you hiphopsters and beardymen so we’ve contracted the very best musical acts to entertain you: marvel at the giant sounds of Little David, Jerry Wallace will play every single one of his big hits and nobody plays a mean polka like Whoopee John.

Joan from the corner shop will be running the raffle and the prize list is already frightening. It’s set to grow further – but you could be walking home with a free bag of vape exhaled from the very mouth of YouTube’s Barry Reviews Some Cheap Free Eliquids. As you know, Barry loves every eliquid he hasn’t paid for, so whatever flavour it is the bag will be an enjoyable experience and one you’d struggle to put a price on. Other prizes include a photo of a man in a hat doing some vape tricks in his bedroom and a starter kit that our local shop couldn’t sell.

Accommodation will be available for everybody planning on making a full weekend of it. The pub’s popped up six camp beds in their two bedrooms and the farmer has promised not to drive a plough over any tents in the lower field. Obviously, if you choose to camp in the upper field you agree to wave all rights to personal safety.

Come along to Stealthvapeonburyexpotacular. Meet new friends, enjoy the miserable weather together and then get out – we don’t like strangers round these parts once we have your money.

*No food or drinks or vaping equipment can be brought into the venue. If you need to eat, drink or vape then Colin and Sharon can attend you from their well-stocked and almost reasonably priced trestle table.

A small but vocal collection of public health experts repeatedly suggest legislators and policy makers should ignore personal anecdotes; while this is understandable if given from one or two people, it makes little sense when faced with large groups all saying the same thing.

We believe in vaping as a harm reduction tool. Public Health England (PHE) declared it to be at least 95% safer than smoking in August 2015. The Royal College of Physicians (RCP) agreed with PHE, and added in their Nicotine Without Smoke report: “E-cigarettes appear to be effective when used by smokers as an aid to quitting smoking.”

Our survey reached over 3,000 people on social media. From that, 337 replied that gives us about an 11% response rate (over double what is expected from such activity usually). What is notable is the uniformity of response to certain key questions, the key one being whether vaping worked for them as a quit tool.

The 2% representing “Other” are those who still dual-fuel (smoke and vape). The length of time vaping demonstrates that it has kept the 98% from returning to cigarettes.

We identified a handful of dubious submissions from the responses and pulled those from the data set, leaving 330 genuine submissions. 99% of our respondents classified themselves as full-time smokers prior to switching to vaping.

We appreciate that this is a tainted sample group; we did not consider asking people who had tried vaping but returned to smoking. The problem for them, we believe, lies in the inadequacy of some starter kits to provide a satisfying vape. As can be seen from our results, respondents appear to be advanced vapers who are comfortable in tailoring their vape to give a satisfying experience.

Four fifths of the respondents are long-term vapers, clear indication that they found the switch from smoking to be preferable. While 2% continue to dual fuel, none of the rest of the respondents classify themselves as smokers any longer. Two thirds consider themselves to be “vapers” while the remaining people think of themselves as “non-smokers”.

But it’s the desire to escape from the harm of smoking that drove them here. The majority of respondents began smoking as young teens and smoked for a considerable number of years. As identified here, smoking cessation faces the twin difficulties of motivation and nicotine withdrawal.

Where vaping succeeds is that it delivers nicotine far more effectively as users can self-regulate their intake. Plus, it delivers it in a safer way that mimics smoking. The following chart illustrates the failure of traditional routes tobacco smokers make to escape from smoking:

Failure to escape from tobacco resulted from attempts mainly using nicotine gums, patches and inhalers – but 70% of the failures came from people attempting to go cold turkey. Vaping appears to be an easier transition for smokers looking to swap to something safer, but also offers the potential to gradual reduce nicotine content until clear of any addiction if that is what the user desires.

What makes the failed attempts understandable, and the success they experienced with vaping all the more remarkable, is that our survey illustrated not just the time people smoked for but also the volume. Most of the respondents reported that they previously smoked more than the equivalent of a pack of cigarettes per day, the rest stating up to a pack. Nobody claimed to be a light or social smoker.

Almost all of the respondents successfully quit an addiction to either traditional cigarettes or roll-up tobacco.

There are all manner of costs related to a smoking habit, and these are borne out in the reasons people gave for wanting to quit and continuing to vape. Respondents said they vape instead of smoking for the benefit of their health, the cost savings and (what places it above traditional NRT) for pleasure. Although the question asked for the main reason for vaping, many suggested that it is a combination of those three options.

Although being experienced in coil building is not essential to finding success with vaping, almost half of the replies showed that users always built their own.  This said, sixteen percent of users never build their own coil and yet no longer smoke.

What powers the coils for our successful ex-smokers?

A regulated mod offering temperature control is used by 75% of respondents, 47% use non-TC regulated devices and 38% of people still love the simplicity of a mechanical mod. But what sits on top? What do our contributors prefer to pop their coils in?

By far the first choice among our vapers is the rebuildable tank, with drippers and the recent revelation that is the subohm clearomiser making up 90% of the preferred choices.

To be successful in making vape work as an alternative to smoking means finding a good set up as shown above – but it also means discovering what type of juice the user gains the most reward from in order to maintain the desire to quit.

Flavour profiles are reasonably evenly distributed after the 40% popularity of fruit flavours. A few years ago, the British market was dominated by tobacco flavours but in this survey it only occupies 11% of the replies. By far the majority of “Other” comments mentioned coffee as the flavour of choice.

In the short to medium term, the participants in our survey expressed content with being vapers and continuing to vape. Health “experts” opposed to the technology would claim that this illustrates a ‘failure to quit’. Given the previously cited reports from PHE and the RCP, we argue that the results are a glowing victory for harm reduction. Eighty five percent of people want to continue vaping and benefit from it being 95% safer than smoking and 10% see it as a stepping stone to no longer using nicotine.

The Tobacco Products Directive (TPD) will challenge the ability to make DIY eliquids and the ease of buying premade juices next year. A third of our participants also believe it will change how they source their hardware. Just 3% intend to comply with the demands of the TPD. We would share with you some of the comments made about the TPD but children may be reading. Given the popularity and success of rebuildable tank atomisers, it’s not surprising that people aren’t looking forward to pointless volume limitations of 2ml.

One of the fears raised by the TPD was that it would limit the opportunity for current smokers to find out about vaping being a safer and more enjoyable alternative. Currently, it looks as though social media platforms are relatively unaffected and almost 40% of our success stories originated from direct human interaction. Plus, as the numbers of vapers has grown it increases the potential for these conversations to happen in the future.

Why is this important? Health. It has been noted in many scientific studies that vaping leads to health benefits for ex-smokers. Our survey revealed a catalogue of tobacco-related ailments people were suffering from prior to switching to vaping. 72% of people informed us that they suffered in some way from smoking while 13% revealed extreme conditions including heart attacks, strokes and chronic obstructive pulmonary disease.

In 1976, Professor Michael Russell wrote: “People smoke for nicotine but they die from the tar.” Vapers choose to use vape because it’s safer than smoking – but they also report a dramatic improvement in their health as a result of switching. A whopping 93% of respondents reported that they were healthier as a direct result of vaping – people who had desperately struggled with previous smoking cessation attempts.

Comments made referred to improvements in breathing and a reduction in coughing. People also claimed to suffer from fewer chest infections and, what should delight public health officials, many claimed to be partaking in exercise such as running and cycling. It is disconcerting that the media doesn’t appear to report this aspect of vaping, but then vapers feel strongly about the negative coverage in the whole.

Respondents feel that the media fixates on negative stories and gives a misleading impression as to theoretical dangers at the expense of actual benefits. A recent study carried out by Professor Robert West (on behalf of Cancer Research UK and the Department of Health) found “a declining minority of current smokers believe e-cigarettes are less harmful than cigarettes”. The media has a direct impact on the poor perception of vaping among the people it would help most.

The relatively high safety message given out by PHE and the RCP resonates with most vapers but some believe vaping is totally safe, there’s no evidence to support that view. The difference in perception between current vapers and existing smokers is becoming ever more striking. Hopefully ongoing dialogue can resolve this.

Almost 60% of our participants believe that vape products should be available on prescription to current smokers looking to switch., with a further 25% undecided on the issue. The same level of support is not forthcoming for current smokers under the age of 18. 51% of our respondents feel they should not have access with only 26% thinking teens should be able to vape in order to escape from smoking.

Our final question asked people what their biggest concern related to vaping was. By far the most common theme was over-regulation by governments and the possible impact on current vapers and smokers. Many see it as possibly forcing them back to smoking, others lament the restriction on equipment and some fear smokers will be put off trying vaping in the first place. Some worry about future restrictions on the types of eliquid that can be sold or access to basic ingredients in order to make their own.

Another theme was that of media coverage, as was highlighted in one of the survey questions. The third most cited topic was that of research and long-term health impact being an unknown. While the latter might be of importance to current vapers with no intention of quitting, it has little impact on those who use vaping as a vehicle to leave nicotine altogether. The trouble with long-term studies will be the time it takes to carry them out – but it should be noted that there are no reports of people being treated for vape-related illnesses at the moment.

This was an exceptionally interesting activity to carry out and we will be sending press releases out (hopefully) to encourage some positive news coverage. Our question regarding the efficacy of vaping was emphatically answered: vaping works. Research tells us it’s healthier than smoking, our replies detail the health improvements that have been experienced and the success achieved. Thank you to everyone who took part.

The extra 24hours vaping is not going to be the only thing vapers will notice in what no one has yet called The Year of Change: Doctor Konstantinos Farsalinos became a well-known figure within the vaping community over the last twelve months. If he wasn’t publishing scientific studies or ripping other studies to shreds, he spent the last twelve months being interviewed and advocating for vaping. It will come as an almighty shock then that the TPD is forcing him to throw in the towel.

We found someone in Greggs who was willing to speak on the doctor’s behalf. “For sure, it is going to be a different world without him,” said Carole, a semi-professional Come Dine With Me viewer. “But I will be continuing to support Konstantinos.” Supporting indeed, as he is due to announce his intention to take up bare-knuckle fighting and is set to take on Brad Pitt behind the Wetherspoons in Kettering next month. Cynthia Pett-Dante, Pitt’s manager, has yet to deny the speculation.

Farsalinos isn’t alone as many vapers and advocates questioned whether it was worth bothering following the news from the European Court. Scott igetcha69 is moving over to making videos reviewing cross-stitch patterns, Mark Toddy McTodd is on the verge of announcing his intention to begin stamp collecting while the whole of the UK Vapers forum is rumoured to be set for a makeover – as an online venue for fans of Um Bungo juice drink, renamed UB Drinkers.

How can the vaping world change so dramatically? Well it all comes down to the things Jeremy Mean of The Medicines and Healthcare products Regulatory Agency (MHRA) hasn’t said. We are all fully aware that atomisers will be restricted to 2ml in volume and that refill containers are to be limited at 10ml – but has he also said that you can only vape on a Tuesday? No. This mean-spirited individual could well have an untold number of plans yet to be announced.

The likelihood is that if a juice or device manufacturer wishes to obtain a licence then not only will they have to undergo a costly and lengthy administrative procedure – but they will have to do it while wearing roller skates, a tutu and singing the theme tune to Happy Days. Falling over or forgetting any of the words will result in immediate disqualification. We know this as well-funded Big Tobacco corporate lawyers have been spotted and photographed preparing their submissions.

But then there are the resolute bunch of hardened vapers and vendors who will refuse to be oppressed. For them the only recourse is going to be subterfuge and flying under the radar. Stealthvape is in the process of moving premises to Zanzibar while Scopes Eliquid are appraising whether or not Trading Standards can get to them if they relocate to a trading estate in Syria. We believe they said Syria but could have misheard them saying Slough – either way they’d probably be equally inaccessible.

For those who intend to stick with the new approved products we will sign off this forecast by predicting the likely winners of the end of year awards. There is no doubt that best mod and atomiser will go to the only legal one on the market: The British American Tobacco Shitstick™. Juice of the year will be either Ashtray Experience or Stale Tabs from Phillip Morris’ Taste of Ash range.

Or maybe it won’t be this bad, no one knows.

Barely a week goes by when someone doesn’t ask to be sent the entire stocked range so that they can use their five subscribers to send vape company turnovers into the stratosphere. Do not laugh, it is almost highly probable that Auntie Joan, Granddad Kevin, Lucy from down the road, Pikey Dave and Jazz2000 have huge buying power and are incredibly influential in the vaping community.

What is incredible about these requests is that they come from reviewers with amazingly high video production standards. Clicking on the links they supply is like being taken into worlds co-created by Steven Spielberg and James Cameron – with maybe a hint of Alan Parker.

When you combine awesome reviews with the comments you can see why vendors feel compelled to give away products for nothing. Or, as Pikey Dave writes after one scintillating two minutes and nineteen seconds: “Innit tho lol yeh wooo”. We’ve touched on this before but with the huge growth in the number of vapers here’s a detailed brief for anybody considering making a competent review online.

Location – Location – Location

Do not worry that you don’t have direct access to Pinewood Studios. Why not film your reviews in the toilet or maybe that cupboard under the stairs? People are clamouring to witness your hideous taste in home decor, the unwashed pile on the sink behind you or that photo of you and Pikey Dave being arrested in Poundland. On the other hand you may think this is a brilliant moment to show off the old computer Auntie Joan never uses now and the tablet you got for Xmas – put those in the background and the public will naturally assume that you work at Jodrell Bank or GCHQ. This is a mistake, vendors will believe you are too rich and should buy your own things for review. Likewise, some vapers may labour under the misapprehension that you are in league with the MRHA and have seized control of their webcam.

Maintain Your Focus

Remember, this isn’t about the product. Many successful Youtubers make this schoolchild error and invest in a decent camera in order to obtain boring close-up shots that reveal the fine details. Who needs that? These videos are about you getting free shit and being able to talk aimlessly for as long as you want without interruption. All anyone wants to see is a badly out of focus lump of metal being held in front of a badly out of focus hand – keep them guessing, keep them keen.

When Only The Best Will Do – Don’t

Do not buy the best equipment; this stuff will ruin it for everyone. Viewers will be able to see what you’re talking about and who needs that? Stick with the camera on your phone or the laptop. The only deviation from this advice is that you should invest in a selfie-stick. There is a gaping hole in the reviewing community for someone who can talk about things while holding a camera that is constantly moving. Be prepared to think outside the box.

Peaks and Troughs

Life is a rollercoaster so there’s no reason why the review shouldn’t be as well. Spend time getting Grandad Kevin to make a flashy set of intro splash screens for the opening. Augment them with music that is a) pounding, b) something only you and deaf people would like and c) finishes abruptly just as the song gets going. The opening credits need to be the high point of the experience so that everything can go crashing downhill rapidly.

Juxtaposition

Black and white, hot and cold, up and down…life is about opposites so what could be a better follow on from a tight, loud and visually terrifying opening sequence than for you to speak in a monotone or so quietly that people turn their monitors up to full?  Nothing, that’s what. Imagine you are giving a talk about small stones to the massed ranks of the Grimsby Rock Appreciators & Small Stone Fanciers Society – this is the mental image you cling on to. Talk like you do when asked how you are, that monologue where you actually drone on about your backache and foot fungus to a bored and disinterested acquaintance in the street. Put inflection into you voice only for those bits that are teenager-like statements but spoken as if they were a question.

Shine A Light On Me

No. This is something aliens do when they come to abduct people. Light is the enemy – ask any self-respecting member of the Galactic Empire or new First Order. This is where sticking to your guns with cheap filming products enhances your production values. Just in case that atomiser briefly rushes into focus a suitably dark room will render the viewer unable to see it. Providing a great visual service is not important, this is work to help a community, a calling greater than nurses or serial killers have.

A Right Stitch-up

Yep, we all saw the newspaper. We know that the only reason you and Pikey Dave were caught was because someone grassed you up to Poundland’s overweight security guard. But take that feeling of being framed and translate it into your filming. Who needs the video to occupy the whole screen with landscape format when it’s all about painting you in a portrait? Hold that phone upright and make sure you left a big, fat fingerprint on the lens. Filming in portrait mode doesn’t just make your review unique – your channel will be flooded with six people (more than doubling your views) pointing out why this is a crime greater than that perpetrated by the Khmer Rouge in the Killing Fields of Cambodia. Framing is everything.

Atmosphere

The only thing better than straining to hear someone drone on about a mech mod is trying to hear them over the sound of a washing machine or a train. Or anything at all that makes it impossible to pick out a single syllable. Consider relocating to a house next to Heathrow. Failing that, get Auntie Joan round to watch Celebrity Big Brother while you record.

Supported Ever More

The final advice to be furnished is that you may wish to give consideration to: think about getting a mate involved. It could be that you are simply too chipper, talented or too interesting and this won’t do. If this is the case then you need Pikey Dave to sit next to you wearing a hat at a jaunty angle. Give him the responsibility for speaking while you wave things in front of your face and nod.

We hope this will help you in setting up your channel and look forward to receiving your begging letter presently.

*All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

One Billion Lives is a film by Aaron Biebert. Biebert is a non-smoker who has never vaped, but after seeing the struggle his friends faced was amazed nobody had documented the corruption, lies and disinformation being used by people supposedly promoting public health.

Seventy-three percent of our survey’s respondents reported that they previously suffered from an ailment as a result of their smoking. Ninety-three percent of respondents went on to say how their health had improved as a result of them switching to vaping. Our survey was clear: vaping works as a quit tool and delivers health benefits.

We are used to the negativity in the media, it has become a predictable part of the coverage of vaping. Whenever there is a positive study there will be an immediate slew of scare stories and a laughably bad piece of opposition “research”. It is facts like this that informed the making of One Billion Lives.

“Everywhere we look, we see big business interests corrupting the truth and affecting millions of lives,” writes Biebert. “We see that in the food industry, healthcare, government, and now with alternatives to smoking. With nearly unlimited funds, the big money always seems to drown out the truth when it suits them.”

“As filmmakers, it’s our job to tell stories that need telling, give voices to the voiceless, and make our world a better place. It’s not every day that filmmakers get to tell a story that can change the lives of hundreds of millions of people around the world. With A Billion Lives, we have that chance and we’re not going to waste it.”

We hope that the film goes on to be a huge success and many non-vapers get to see it. There are some select screenings coming up near you – but you need to book a ticket in advance to guarantee the film will be shown. Why not take along a bunch of friends too!

• Monday 14^th November – Belfast Odeon
• Monday 14^th November – Manchester Odeon
• Wednesday 16^th November – Greenwich Odeon
• Wednesday 16^th November – Hatfield Odeon
• Thursday 17^th November – Cardiff Odeon
• Thursday 17^th November – Crewe Odeon
• Wednesday 23^rd November – Swansea Odeon
• Wednesday 23^rd November – Southampton Odeon
• Wednesday 23^rd November – Southend Odeon

Or maybe you would like to arrange a screening nearer to you? One Billion Lives offers a risk-free chance to arrange a showing in your local cinema – you can read more here.

Let us know what you think of the film on our Facebook page.

There was a time when every forum was awash with new vapers asking for coiling advice. More precisely, they wanted to know how to make a 1.4-1.8Ω coil without our dear friend the hot spot. For those of you who weren’t vaping in 2013, this was before everyone began coiling at a ridiculously low 1.2Ω, which, in turn, was shortly before the world went barmy, and began coiling at 1.0Ω.

So not only do we bid hot spots a safe journey to the vape rack in the sky, but we need to shed a tear for all of those over-ohm coils and their stainless mesh wicks. The debate will never be closed; was it better to heat the mesh in a flame or pulse a new coil to bed it in? No one cares anymore; the young vapers of today have no idea what they missed.

And they missed a hundred different ways to manufacture a genesis/genisys/geneysis/geniusises/whatever and still lay claim to originality and an improved quality of vape. The genny had its heyday and then became the weird cousin at a family reunion. Some might like to think it isn’t dead but that’s like attempting to claim the classical British motorcycle industry has never been in a healthier position. You still see Ariel Square Fours on the road from time to time, but they are nothing more than ghosts reminding us of a more romantic period. As is the genny, a product from a bygone era that kindles warm memories in the hearts of those who once owned one. Or several.

And how did the genny come to be owned? Through websites no longer with us and the F5 button. We will miss you, F5. As rumour cascaded down the vaping grapevine of the launch of a new product, keyboards used to be smashed into oblivion by vapers desperate to get their hands on something that would hit harder, taste better or look more, err, whatever it was. It is time for the F5 button to be prised from its place and buried near the cabbages.

We also commit the word Pinoy to the place beyond this realm. As the vaping boom really began, never have so many grown adults got so excited about metal tubes doing the job that all the old metal tubes did. At least, not since they argued late into the night about whether a genuine metal tube could be any different to a cloned metal tube. Pinoy goes to its final resting place, now their wares have slumped from fashion, alongside clone wars arguments.

Because there was once a time when we were ecstatic about the prospect of a mass new product launch. In 2014, to be precise, we were flipping out over twenty yes, TWENTY new mech mods being launched at Vapefest. That was set to double the number of original mods on the market.

We commit these items from vaping’s history to the ether, and cherish their memory for delivering us to a point where vaping is working for over 2.8 million people in the UK alone. What a great job they all did.

Firstly, this gateway thing: The data says there’s no gateway, the experts say there’s no gateway – flip, even the Welsh government’s own health survey said there was no gateway. But, still, public health nannies insist on dragging it up. So if they aren’t going to read the reports or listen to harm reduction advocates, we thought they might be open to hearing from experts on the topic of gateways?

To this end, we have issued invitations to a number of gateway authorities. Firstly, that strange little lady from Poltergeist as she knew it all when it came to getting both in and out of the television set. Then we asked Ben Feldman. Although many might not have heard of Ben, his work on As Above, So Below marks him out on being a true portal expert. Lastly, and probably quite scary to some of a nervous disposition, several farmers from The Archers, for obvious farm gate reasons.

The public health bods also love to knock vaping because of the flavours available. It’s blindingly obvious that these are part and parcel of why eliquid works so well but, again, they aren’t listening. We need even more experts so we asked them. We’ve phoned up Heston Blumenthal and he’s agreed to come on board to explain how flavour works for adults. Also, Tori Amos replied to our postcard. “Will you choose fear, or will you choose love,” she sings on her misspelt and slightly boring song Flavor. Our final expert was born to take part as he, like vaping is cast to be, is a public enemy: Flavor Flav. We’re going to fight the power and say to Stanton Glantz: “Don’t believe the hype”.

We feel it is essential to have some giants in the scientific community in order to produce press releases on batteries. We are delighted to announce that Steven Hawking (black holes), Brian Cox (the one who says “amazing” all the time, not the one from Planet of the Apes), Spock (science officer) and Sheldon Cooper (Ph.D., Sc.D.). If Sheldon tells you that the problem is with people not understanding how an electrical circuit works – and not with vaping – you stay told.

Also, as a similar thing worked so well for Tony Blair, we have roped the entire cast of Casualty on board to put across the medical profession’s opinion on vaping. While some might have wanted real doctors – this lot will say anything we pay them to say, they’ll say it well and we get to arrange lots of gory accidents.

There’ll be no stopping us now, not with this incredible team. All thanks to Stealthvape – always thinking the unthinkable.