As the hordes push through town centres like extras from The Walking Dead, anything slightly resembling a shop becomes a site for carnage and destruction. It doesn’t matter if the building is a home or somewhere to buy buns, they don’t care because they have a thirst to sate. The zombies hunger for consumer electrical products, they dive into a feeding frenzy the second the scent a 48” flat screen television – especially if it’s a brand name nobody has heard of before.

The thing is there’s just no guarantee they won’t mistake a home for one of those small local supermarkets. These shuffling, red-faced trolley pushers aren’t the sharpest knives in the cutlery drawer – it’s just the kind of thing they’d do in their quest to buy the seventeen toasters they don’t need.

If you want to join us in locking down your home and protecting those you love, start off by laying strips of Legos across the road either side of your home. On one hand, the Lego block is strong enough to survive the weight of a fully laden articulated lorry, so traffic will carry on unimpeded, but a line of them will provide an impassable barrier to the trollies.

Then it’s time to break out the full collection of vape devices from wherever you store them. Pile up the blankets, duvets, one hosepipe, a lilo pump and a large supply of ready charged lithium-ion batteries. Obviously, if you haven’t already erected a metal hoarding fence then get out there and do it now. We need the atomisers attacked to the hose and being powered by the pump along the length of the barrier. The aim is to provide a fog bank of vape, what these people can’t see they can’t queue up next to.

The last line is for when all is forsaken. If the defences are breached then you don’t want them touching then engaging you in conversation about Ant and Dec. This is how normal people get turned.

If it comes to this, there’s no point thinking about what might have been. Grab cotton wicks and set fire to them. We’ve no idea if this will help but we’re reasonably sure the light and sounds will attract them away from where we are. Sorry, but it’s every person for themselves.

Good luck.

*Click* The torch is now on and shining up into my face. The only sound you can hear is that of the wood gently crackling in the fire. If you get scared then hold someone’s hand, if you need the toilet then only go in pairs because it might not be safe out there.

Our tale begins with five vapers in a car, late at night. They were heading to the cabin in the woods for a thematic vape meet, but the rain was coming down so fast it made reading the road signs impossible. Rounding the bend *bump*

What was that? Had they just driven over a possessed woman? Maybe it was the noise of a headless man on the roof of the vehicle? No, it was worse – you know it was really bad because now I’m whispering – the last (and only) 120ml bottle of juice had fallen on the floor and emptied! Aaaaaaaaarghhhhhhhh!

The car swerved off the road. “We’ll have to make it through the woods on foot,” said the foolhardy one (who clearly didn’t have the patience to wait the four and a half hours till the RAC could get a recovery truck out).

“Wait, it would be better if we split up,” said the idiot (who has obviously never watched a single film in his life).

“Wait,” cried the third, “my atomiser tank is almost empty!” Aaaaaaaaarghhhhhhhh!

I’m shrieking now, when I tell you the fourth person screamed: “Noooo! My battery meter shows that my 18650 cell is almost out of charge and I haven’t bought any spares!” Aaaaaaaaarghhhhhhhh!

Suddenly, all around them, they could see lights appearing. Stationary, tiny lights. Only they weren’t lights at all, it was the reflection of the cars headlights bouncing off bouncing off what? Evil dolls eyes, that’s what. It’s incredible, isn’t it, that miles from anywhere, in what (on a sunny day) would be a lovely little wood for a walk or a picnic, some evil fly-tipper had dumped a load of broken dolls. Honestly, what goes through the mind of people like that who can’t be bothered to drive the five miles to the nearest council refuse centre? Anyway, I digress.

The silence of darkness became consumed with the sounds of slow shuffling and moaning. Time to time a twig would snap then the shuffling and moaning would continue. Surely this is the part in our story where zombies are rising up at the beginning of an apocalypse? No. It is nothing more than the percussion of our five friends, but then came the most terrible moan: “My vape tastes terrible, the wick is drying and the battery’s dying!”

Our party finally see a glint through the trees. Gasping, barely able to contain their relief that they’d made it, they fall upon the porch and push the creaky wooden door open.

There, inside on the table, a bottle of juice. Then, crying with happiness, they spy a battery charger. Laughter bubbled from relief as they lit the fire and made ready for a future once again.

This is the point where my torch lit voice drops one final time: The charger had an American socket. AAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGHHHHH!

Sleep safe.

Welcome to the Stealthvape Bowl for the very first international Vape Cup friendly. Taking the pitch today is the home side Advocates Athletic and Public Health Disunited, our visitors. The grass has been relayed with AstroTurf for today’s match as a special concession to this afternoon’s guests.

Athletic will be playing in the positive green strip, Disunited are wearing the all-white kit provided by Big Pharma, their sponsors. Although they look clean before kick off it will be interesting to note if the white shirts and shorts look distinctly grubby come full time.

As a unique twist on the old ‘jumpers for goalposts’, each team constructed their own goals prior to kick off – using copies of their respective research reports. I’m looking over now at Athletic’s goal; a solid edifice compromising of the Royal College of Physicians’ study and bound copies of the Public Health England report. I would like to say the same about Disunited’s too, but the piles of CDC reviews and pharma-funded surveys appear to be falling apart with closer inspection.

The ref has blown for kick-off but Stanton Glantz is refusing to touch the football. It looks like he’s complaining that the shape is the same as balls used by people who smoke. Advocates’ captain, Konstantinos Farsalinos, has magnanimously agreed to let the opposition use their ball – which is fetched by their professional Australian right whinger Simon Chapman. Chapman brings a wealth of expertise to his side as he’s always playing games on Twitter.

So we’re finally off. But what’s this? Linda McAvan has picked up the ball and is running to Disunited’s bench. It looks like she’s planning on sitting there and instructing her side to ignore the opposition. And the referee. And the crowd. This is ridiculous; surely she knows she can’t simply make up her own rules?

This certainly isn’t making a great spectacle to watch. Peter Hajek and Linda Bauld have managed to wrestle the ball from McAvan’s hands. Up runs Jean Etter to take the free kick – fans of the game will know he goes by the nickname ‘The Professor’, because, well, he’s a professor. As are most of Athletic’s players.

The ball lands at Clive Bates’ feet, a delightful pass, and he ghosts past Martin McKee. It’s like McKee, Disunited’s left whinger, has no understanding of the game. It’s clear that McKee can only be here for the half-time snacks.

Bates sends the ball forward. It’s West to Stimson. Stimson through to Sweanor. Sweanor is clear in on goal oh, but that’s a horrible challenge from Mark Drakeford and a clear penalty. Michael Siegel steps up and slots the ball home like he always does. Disunited will be unhappy but they are used to being called out for playing dirty.

The match finishes in a clear victory for the vape advocates although the margin is uncertain as Disunited’s manager, Dr Margaret Chan, went on to score an uncountable number of own-goals during the post-match press conference.

And for the losing team of anti-vape campaigners: cheer up, it’s only a game. Shame that access to vape technology is more of a life and death thing.

Our first prediction was a miss. Oddly, we felt that the Tobacco Products Directive would drive doctor Konstantinos Farsalinos out of a job. We felt the directionless chap would balance a part-time career at Greggs with a night time hobby taking on celebrities in bare-knuckle fighting bouts.

It saddens us deeply that rather than slapping Brad Pitt seven shades of silly, behind the Wetherspoon in Kettering, Farsalinos managed to find enough to keep him occupied in his office. Will he keep up his regular attacks on the anti-vaping zealots during 2017? We’ve no idea until we open a bottle of rum and make up next year’s predictions.

Twelve months ago, when the past was nothing more than the future being peered at through a hangover, it seemed obvious that the Tobacco Products Directive would render YouTube vape reviews obsolete. Obvious to everybody -except those people who do them.

We were wrong – igetcha69 is not filling his time producing videos reviewing cross-stitch patterns in his little spare room. He seemed the type; it remains an avenue to explore, but no. Neither is Mark Toddy Todd devoting all of his waking hours to filling up stamp albums. It should be noted that we do not peer through their windows (not since the court order anyway) and they could be doing these things as hobbies to cope with the stress of vape videos. They probably are. That, or Morris dancing, or doing the painful water bottle challenge. We haven’t looked, but UK Vapers probably hasn’t been renamed and given over to discussion of all things Um Bongo either.

And what about our predictions for the vendors? Here we feel we were close to being correct. Like, if you predict some team will win at something – but they don’t – at least you managed to remember the name of the team. That ought to be impressive to other non-sports fans at the very least.

We felt that Jeremy Mean & the Medicines and Healthcare products Regulatory Agency (MHRA) would amend legislation to force vendors to undergo costly and lengthy administrative procedures while wearing roller skates, a tutu and singing the theme tune to Happy Days. If you focus on the words “costly”, “lengthy” and “roller skates” you can see we nailed this prophecy.

We didn’t relocate to Zanzibar, Scopes Eliquid are not renting a unit on a trading estate in Syria and Manabush are not currently the country’s leading provider of lawn fertilizer. By dropping the word “wrong” from this sentence, we got 100%.

The 2017 predictions are set to be even better than 2016’s. We have been inundated for tickets for the gala evening, hosted by Les Dennis. We predict he’ll do that impersonation of the woman from Coronation Street. We’ll be correct again.

It’s festive but done properly, just like in the good old days when you could say the word “Christmas”, families bonded over power cuts and all the children had rickets. It’s all brought to you by Stealthvape Television, the only subscription channel based in and available to Cantelupe Road in Bexhill on Sea.

If you aren’t already a customer of SVTV then the Christmas edition of the SVTVR&TVT is bound to wet your whistle – quality programming not seen since Love Thy Neighbour and Robin’s Nest were on ITV.

9am: Nobody normal is up yet so we’re sticking on Noel Edmonds for two hours. He’s dead cheap now because no other channel will touch him. We told him a mod and atty can cure smoking-related cancer and he signed immediately. No idea what he’s doing, we told him to make it juicy.

11am: Early Morning Service. People who don’t believe in religion will be cramming into a Bexhill church to praise the Lord for vaping and to get their faces on television.

12pm: Kylie’s Crackers. The real Kylie may be on Sky but we’ve got Kylie Jenkins from CostCo coming in to show us how to pull a cracker at Christmas using nothing but charm and a lot of Bacardi Breezers.

1pm: The Queen. That’s correct, you read it. We’ve got The Queen a full two hours before she’s on BBC1 doing a warm-up set for us. Liz will be taking you through the steps to make a Clapton coil while regaling us with witty anecdotes about Phil.

1:30pm: Bond at Christmas. Everybody loves a good Bond film on Christmas Day, so we’ve made one with simpering royal correspondent Jennie Bond. She is an evil boss bent on taking over the world with a gigantic vape machine. Or something. To be honest there’s a lot of improvisation because we ran out of ideas as the sherry consumption went up.

Later: Strongmen are doing something with lorries, there are some cartoons and another couple of films we got from Pirate Bay. Seriously, who cares? Everybody’s drunk now.

There’s this chap called Mark McKinley, he’s a doctor of clinical psychology. Like every clinical psychologist he spends his days dealing with mental and physical health issues including addiction and compulsive tendencies. When he’s not contemplating the mind he’s writing about it.

McKinley wrote about people and collecting, and according to him everybody collects something.  Whether it’s coin or cereal boxes, comics or barbed wire or even Mersenne primes. McKinley notes that we all collect whatever we collect for different reasons. Some, he posits, collect as part of an investment strategy. OK, fair enough, buying a container load of Protanks in 2013 might not have paid off yet – but just imagine the retirement fund in 90 years time. Is it possible that mods and attys will make it on to the Antiques Roadshow in years to come?

Investment isn’t the only reason to collect according to the doctor. Others do a bit of collecting to meet similar-minded people and expand their social circle. Vapers meet up online and in fields, pubs and exhibition halls to swap tales, tips and laughs. Posting pictures of collections onto social media threads is almost a compulsory part of vaping.

The psychologist has a third bracket for consideration: people collecting to preserve the past. Or rather, to preserve the memories, feelings and emotions that come flooding back when prompted by looking at the collected.

And then there’s also the underlying motivation for embarking on the quest to collect. McKinley reckons that those of us keeping stuff others would throw away fall into three distinct groups. In Group A, there are those of us who live for the quest and relish tracking down an early Hellfire hybrid or unique colour of CE4 to complete our collection. In Group B falls those who wish to see order in the world. These people need to have control over their lives in a way that they don’t get on a day to day basis; so they play collections into groups by make, size, colour or place of origin. Glancing at the alphabetised LP collection to the right nail my group!

Group C collectors are compensators in the same way that middle-aged men drive sports cars or suddenly start going to the gym. These collectors are making up for emptiness in character or possible shortcomings in physical attributes or biological stimulation. I think we can safely agree this last one doesn’t apply to any of us.

All of which is offered up to you by way of an excuse. The next time a purchase is questioned about a purchase, the next time you hear a word of complaint about the space being taken over by vape kit – none of it is your fault, Doc Mark McKinley says so. You are powerless to fight your subconscious; you are biologically programmed to go back online.

The logical step came about when we realized that we needed to emulate those who inspire confidence and admirations – and nobody is more respected than bankers. Except maybe traffic wardens. So the idea for Bank of Stealthvape was born. In the Tesco mold, we want to grow to become a cradle to the grave lifestyle company. No, we’ve no idea what that means either; we probably overheard it on The Apprentice.

Are you looking for a credit card? A loan or mortgage? Maybe you need somewhere safe to pop your savings? And then there are always our class-leading investment products. Bank smart, bank SV. You can tell we are a quality financial institution because we use Comic Sans in our logo.

It can’t have escaped anybody’s attention that the pound has been tanking ever since we voted to do something that hasn’t happened. We’re no financial experts, not a prerequisite to setting up a bank, but we’re willing to bet the sterling continues to slump. That’s what you are relying on, our gut feelings over the future. And our gut tells us that you need to act now.

Bank of Stealthvape is offering you to grab hold of real pounds before they are worth less. Or worthless. As a special introductory offer you can turn those online banking pounds (that only exist on a computer screen) into real hard cash coin. Act now before your eBanking pounds plummet – you can buy genuine hard cash currency pounds from Bank of Stealthvape for ONLY ONE POUND. That is correct, you can’t lose: £1 in metal cash that can’t shrink for each £1 of made-up computer money. *Plus dealer fees, commission and a transaction charge

We know what you’re thinking, you’re thinking about Tesco Banking. You’re thinking that Bank of Stealthvape might be vulnerable to the same 12-yr old hacker who took 40,000 of their customers to the cleaners. It’s either that or you’re thinking about cheese.

The important thing is this, Tesco know about baked beans – we know about trying to nick people’s money. Tesco overlooked an important flaw in their system and one we have eliminated from Bank of Stealthvape: hackers can’t log into your account because we aren’t going to allow anybody access to the accounts.

Our current account has been designed to make it impossible for anybody but us to access. Plus, you can plan how to spend your SVBank points™ as you sit back and relax in the knowledge that your money couldn’t be any safer. Every tenner saved earns you an SVBank point™ – and points make prizes.

We have teamed up with a number of partners who will accept our reward points. Currently, these include Bexhill’s USA Fried Chicken, the CEMEX Denge quarry in Lydd and the Dartford-Thurrock River Crossing. You don’t enjoy luxuries like these with Nectar points.

All applications to open a new Bank of Stealthvape bank account should be made in writing on the back of a signed blank cheque and accompanied with your card details and PIN number. This, we should point out, is an essential part of our security checks to make sure that no fraudsters get inside the bank.

Until next time, you can always bank on Stealthvape.

Autumn is amazing with its leafy hues and low-level light, as the chlorophyll ebbs from the surround its green is replaced by a spectacular range of reds, oranges and browns. Describing the vista, painted by the hand of a planet spinning away from the Sun, is what the word sumptuous was created for.

Summer is simply a warmer version of spring, and even then it gets it wrong more often than not. Winter should have been sued for misrepresentation decades ago – part and parcel of being winter should be the provision of a thick blanket of snow to prevent people from having to do things they’d prefer not to.

Not autumn, you don’t mistake autumn for summer – certainly not since councils stopped sweeping up the leaves for children to kick. Admittedly, we don’t get here easily. Summer ends up like a late night town centre drunk, stumbling home via a kebab shop. Eventually life is all hot mugs of tea, a good vape and morning frost.

This time of year offers up the best of colours in the same way vape does. While caution has always been the watchword with regards strong colours in liquids, there are plenty of other visual delights.

The changing of the metal season is a gradual slide into darkness. While some relish the build up of a deep patina for others it signifies an impending rebirth. With a polishing cloth and the substance of choice, brass leaps from its winter-like slumber into full-blown summer glory. Radiant golds present only one problem as hands leave instant marks. How many vapers sit around after a good polish cupping their mod in tissue so they can vape and preserve the sheen?

It is why the all-black devices or stainless steel rigs have never appealed. Those who prefer their appearance are welcome to them. The reliable countenance pales when compared with the wonder of polished copper.

The only downside is when cleaning up copper pins. They undergo their transformation with some lemon juice in a little plastic beaker, from brown to pink with nothing more than gentle agitation. And then forgotten about until the hand that was reaching for a warming autumnal sloe gin picks up the wrong vessel by mistake.

Fresh copper loses its appeal somewhat when the taste of sloe and tonic is replaced by oxide and lemon. The love of colour is lost at this moment and not even the pretty leaves can help.

Good branding isn’t just important to a business, it’s essential. It is the lifeblood of a company because it’s what differentiates the products from all of the others in the marketplace. Graphic designers, copywriters and assorted marketing executive idiots called Nigel give up days of their lives to attend brainstorming meetings. They slave over ideas that would make the ones entertained in The Apprentice seem great. It takes time, experience and dedication to produce something good.

So, no wonder some juice makers think it’s a good idea to piggyback on the advertising and promotion of others. We just feel that if they’re going to do it they ought to be going the whole way; why stop at just taking Sara Lee’s cake designs or Pokemon’s slogan?

For a starter they should be changing their company names to sound like one of the giants in the consumer industry like Unilever, Apple or Poundland. Forget all that vape nonsense, go for the jugular; it makes no sense if you’re simply going to steal a brand identity without going the whole hog.

Plus, if you are running a company producing these knock-off juices, what on earth are you thinking of by not changing your own name too? Why be Dylan Jones when the stroke of a pen (and swish of a blade for men) can transform you into Delia Smith? Delia Smith who owns a juice firm now called Marks & Spencer Liquids. Do away with the worry of trying to build yourself a name in the market place, now you have one instantly and we’re going to choose not to mention the one most vapers call you, children may be reading.

Or go the whole hog.

As you already hold a reviled position within the community, why not opt to be known as Sir Phillip Green? You’re now just one step away from the final transformation. All property is theft, right? To date you’ve been happy to make do with intellectual property but there is so much more out there for the ambitious eliquid entrepreneur.

Don’t bother with stupid overheads from renting business premises, set up a trestle table inside the nearest shopping centre food court. “Go away, stupid security guard,” you can exclaim, “for I am Delia Smith/ Sir Phillip Green and I own this whole pantheon to consumerism.”

Which brings you to the culmination of the transformation. Instead of stealing ideas and riding on the backs of others, while bringing vaping into disrepute, you can now do away with the whole messy liquid making process too. People in shopping centres have money, you want their money – steal it.

Stealthvape are available for business development consultancy services to the whole dodgy sector of the juice industry. Not next Thursday though as we’re launching our new range of Marvel(ous) wire: Colossus kanthal with free Wolverine wick.

Images stolen from Wikipedia and Pixabay

Ever since vaping was laughably lumped in with tobacco products we’ve been the butt of every crank with an axe to grind. Nicotine is the evil, according to Martin McKee (Mary Whitehouse impersonator) and Mark Drakeford (Spit the Dog impressionist). Nicotine, they contend, comes from tobacco leaves and is therefore going to drag innocent children from playground and thrust them into smoking shelters.

What we need, we reason, is an alternative to vaping just in case the going gets really tough. What we all need, we concluded, is to sell you a range of new and enjoyable to use products. We looked at a couple of pictures of McKee & Drakeford until we started to feel queasy. We asked ourselves, “What kind of nicotine products could we sell that these two portly gentlemen wouldn’t get into a sweaty wobble about?”

The answer was obvious: nicotine foods. The porcine pair of public health plonkers clearly adore eating between meals, there’s no way they can object.

For the recent ex-smoker or current users of high-nic liquids: Stealthmoussaka. It comes loaded with scrummy aubergine, a veggie that packs 100 nanograms of nicotine into every gram.

And what about those stepping their nic intake down a bit; those aiming at using nothing but nic-free foods in the future and hoping to become food free by a target date? Stealthbolognese will become the substitute of many. While the rich tomato puree doesn’t hold the kick of aubergine, you’ll still be able to get a great fix from the 52 nanograms per gram of nicotine.

Going down another step in nic, but not in taste, the great chefs at Stealthvape Towers have concocted our amazingly delicious Stealthcauliflowercheese. 16.8 scrumptious nanograms of nicotine with every gram of cauliflower makes this a great all-day vape replacement.

And finally, the potato range for those who enjoy impressing people by playing with their food, need to top up nicotine between meals or like to continually eat. Select either Stealthchips and Stealthcrisps, or use both at the same time – we don’t care, we’re not going to judge you if you want to refuel like Martin McKee.

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*Stealthfood (especially Stealthchips and Stealthcrisps) is highly addictive – keep it out of reach of children and pets at all times.

*As with all nicotine products, take care to flush eyes or skin immediately with water should they come into contact with Stealthfoods. Seek full medical attention immediately in case of an accident, or if you feel unwell after eating Stealthfood.

*Stealthfood is for informed adults only. As a responsible vendor we will decline any purchase requests from people under 18 years old.

We must point out that we are an independent manufacturer/retailer and do not work for Big Potato or Big Eggplant. All Stealthfood products are designed to be digested, not inhaled in any form. We take no responsibility for misuse of Stealthfood products.