It was the summer of ’69, but I didn’t know anybody with a porch. “Oh, and when you held my hand – I knew that it was now or never,” sang Bryan Adams. Someone was holding my hand, it was the ambulance lady, and blood was cascading down my face. David Somebodyorother was in too much of a hurry to get out to play, Thatcher hadn’t got her act together, and my face was shoved into a crate of milk bottles.

Following on from last week’s article, it’s clear from the bulging sack the postman showed us that thousands of you agree with our plan to push for TPD III. TPD II is so riven with problems that a brand new approach appears to be the only way forward.

We were there, and it just goes to show the bias in the media that you know nothing about it. We were there with the Beckhams, the Foos and the Biffy Sheeran. They all lied, it wasn’t Corby crowds – they were there for Stealthvape and we have the pictures to prove it. Yes, we were definitely at Glastonbury. Honest.

Here it comes, the absolute end of the beginning. Here it comes, the Tobacco Products Directive. What was once spoken about, campaigned against and caused at least one petition a week to be drawn up faded from public debate. In fact, it’s been so long since many have openly discussed it that a sizeable number of people are totally ignorant about it and what it might mean to them.

Everybody knows that we have few peers when it comes to ideas for new ways to take the vape market forward. Our thinking hats work overtime, industriously focussing upon invention drives us to greater heights. News this week has made us pause and reflect, and then doff our hats at the mind of a true genius.

Seasoned vapers will have become accustomed to scientific journals publishing supposed studies that appear to offer little by way of sound scientific method. As is the way with peer-review, some of the more outlandish claims and conclusions eventually get retracted or downplayed – but these never seem to make it into the mainstream media.

We cherish freedom of expression and thought at Stealthvape Towers. If you want to believe the Moon is made of cheese or the world is flatter than the enthusiasm for a Spice Girls reunion, great. Some people really want to hate vaping and vapers but aren’t sure how to go about it, so here’s our helpful guide.

We have all been to or seen pictures of that place where a number of vapers are meeting up. After a countdown, gleefully, everyone helps to create a fog bank inside a room. Anti-vape campaigners will tell you that this constitutes second-hand vape, and that when it settles it becomes some kind of dangerous third-hand vape. Not so, according to a strange source.

First it was the truth. Once held up to be the ultimate in any discussion or debate, the truth has been swiftly sidelined for anything that pretends to be entertaining, frightening or awesome. Want to hear the truth about our road network? No, no you don’t. You want to see a motorbike carrying seven people and a bucket of blancmange being hit by a biplane full of penguins. And there’s the other new paradigm: while peace and love were once hailed as aspirational goals, now it’s all about hitting someone in the face with a bat.