Celebrity Vapers

I don’t.

In fact I’m pretty sure I have the least amount of interest in celebrities it is possible to hold. Consequently I have had to enter the realm of celebrity gossip entertainment websites. The trauma is likely to keep me from sleeping without access to serious celebrity-style medications.

Most vapers I’ve met are equally disinterested in celebrities too so I’ve compiled this comprehensive list. Not for our interest but benefit. If your partner is anything like mine she abhors discussing mesh gauge, Clapton coils or the mad things sub-ohmers have done this week. Well, if she does like to then she clearly prefers just to listen while resting her eyelids.

As I crack open a tin of Guinness on Friday night I’ll point to the region of vapid on the television and say: “See her? See that Lohan? She’s a vaper she isâ€, and conversation will flow. And a moribund marriage will form new bonds of common interest.

That list in full:

Katy Perry, famous for being able to recite one line over and again while music plays.

Johnny Depp, famous for being a cool drunk pirate in every film he’s ever appeared in.

Leonardo DiCaprio, famous for being one of the few people not to have died on the Titanic. Unless he was one of the people who died on it, I don’t know, I’m one of the seven people who have never watched the film. He’s renown for not being as crap as Nicolas Cage as he has three expressions.

Lindsey Lohan, famous for being a drug-addled car crash of a human being. I thought her bottom gave an Oscar-worthy performance in Herbie.

Paris Hilton, famous for appearing in an online video so badly filmed it could have starred Nicolas Cage.

Britney Spears, famous for not being Mylie Cyrus…like a music version of Leo DiCaprio.

Sean Penn, famous for becoming a much better actor thanks to divorcing Madonna (who is Britney Spears’ mum or something).

Jack Nicolson, famous for being one of the few celebrities who is genuinely great at his job. He must be as he has played the same person in all 45 of them.

Courtney Love, famous for being “the best **** in the world†(© Kurt Cobain). My grandma, mum and rabbits have all denied any carnal knowledge of Mr. Nirvana so I’m not sure how he calculated this.

Robbie Williams, Britain’s most famous fat man; due to him supporting the despised Stoke City FC everyone dislikes him.

Gok Wan, famous because his parents ran the chippy up the road from my mate’s café. I’ve not met any other sons of chip shop owners who have managed to get so many Rubenesque ladies to go naked on TV so he must be the best.

Charlie Sheen, famous for probably being the person who told Kurt that Courtney was good at sex as he’s slept with everyone in the world. Twice.

Kate Moss, famous for being my wife. Well, the publishing company she worked for told her that she was Kate Moss for the purposes of signing hundreds of copies of an autobiography.

Jenny McCarthy, Stephen Dorff, Kevin Connolly, Bruno Mars, Katherine Heigl, Cheryl Cole, Zayn Malik, Alexa Chung, Isla Fisher, Bradley Cooper, Zoe Kravitz, Spencer Matthews, Robert Pattinson and Rosie Fortescue are all famous for being a group of people in this list. Beyond that I have no idea who any of them are although Rosie Fortescue may have discovered a cure for cancer.

According to Bloomsburg Business Week, “public health officials fear (celebrities vaping) might not just spark e-cig sales but could reverse the decline in cigarette smoking as well.â€

Are people that easily led by what the celebs do?

I’d formulate an answer but I’ve got to shoot off to dress up as a pirate, have sex with Charlie Sheen and watch Stoke City pitifully attempt to play football.