Genius At Work

Stan drove a pudgy finger into one of the seventeen folds hanging off his chin. The scratch sent dead skin tumbling onto his blank Mindmap sheet. Boys at school learn how to affect a certain expression, a practised look they summon up on command when a teacher asks the class a question. It says I’m thinking very hard about something so please don’t ask me directly.

Mart stroked his beard. Beard stroking is the international sign of a man who believes himself to be intellectually superior to everybody else in the room. Invariably, the absolute opposite is the case – but today, looking at Stan screwing up his face while pretending to think, Mart knew he really was the sharpest knife in this cutlery drawer. He began to doodle for inspiration.

“I think,†Stan spluttered, “that we might have come up with all the ideas. I think the reason we can’t think of anymore is that we have thought of all of the ideas and now there are none left.â€

It was a reasonable guess. The pair of them had invented lies about flavours, brand names and colours being used to target children. They’d laughed until their tummies hurt when they came up with the whole nanoparticle thing. Then they hit gold with the idea they could simply copy every piece of vape research but make up some numbers so it says the opposite. Each time Stan hears “Opposite Land†now he has to go and put on dry underpants.

“Saying we’ve thought of everything isn’t an option,†admonished Mart. “And if we have thought of every thinkable thing then maybe it’s time to think the unthinkable.â€

Stan nodded, his cheeks continued to wobble after he’d finished, but he really had no idea what Mart meant.

“We need a danger that smokers and vapers haven’t been scared about yet. We need something that scientists can’t disprove – like when we made up that rubbish about the gateway effect…that it ‘could’ lead to smoking. Try disproving that, scientific community!†And Mart laughed.

“Hang on a minute,†Mart shouted as he dropped his pencil. “Aliens!â€

Stan’s expression changed to the one you find on a fat boy when a Greggs employee pulls a new tray of hot pies out of the oven. He could eat Martin up, every scrap.

“We simply say that electronic vaping nicotine delivery device systems give out sub frequencies, acting as beacons for warlike pan-galactic alien races. Using nicotine in this way will ENDS the planet – that’s how bloody selfish vapers are.â€

The duo managed to publish three finely crafted research papers in the five minutes after generating the idea, using drawings instead of data tables, depicting the carnage and mayhem. Donald Trump tweeted his congratulations for their patriotic work.

We Did It

We called it; we said the thing the anti-THR (tobacco harm reduction) lobby feared most was vaping becoming a sexy thing. We pointed out the kittens they had when the pouty woman went all Cadbury’s Flake in a cigalike commercial. You remember? The one The Telegraph described as “sexy as watching someone gutting fish� Now, we’re not going to slate someone else’s pleasure, but if that journo gets off on watching fish being gutted then, well, then that’s a little bit odd.

Vapers are now the compilation of all the sexy scenes from Game of Thrones (ask your children), those late night Channel 4 programs with the triangle in the corner (ask your Dad), and both sexes of Dr Who (we aren’t sure who watches this any longer). *And, no, we aren’t going to join in an argument about that last one.

And so we now have to apologise. Clearly, you are sitting there, scratching an intimate part and smelling your fingers, thinking: “I am sexy, I am a real sexy beast.â€

Well, we’ve been disingenuous. We’ve stretched the truth. We’ve fibbed. Yes, vapers are sexier – a survey says so. We are totally more sexy than smokers.

Halo Cigs, purveyors of electronic cigarettes and vape kits, have conducted a survey looking at what the preferences are in online dating. From what we can ascertain about it, the app of choice will present you with a person. If you like them then you swipe right on the screen, conversely, swiping left if you don’t fancy the prospect.

Halo discovered that two out of three women will swipe left if faced with a smoker. Further to that, 64% of non-smoking men and women said they would not consider having a long-term relationship with a smoker.

Even smokers were biased against other smokers and would look for non-smokers. Ten percent of male and twenty percent of female smokers would refuse to form a relationship with other smokers.

Halo says: “The answers aren’t good news for the smoking crowd: men and women agree in their beliefs that smokers are addicted, enjoy nicotine, and are unhealthy due to their habits. A large majority of participants said smokers were addicted. Sixty-one percent of women thought smokers were unhealthy, just slightly higher than men. Additionally, only sixteen percent of women and twenty-one percent of men thought smoking was on trend.â€

The company points out that vaping is far less offensive to prospective partners…which means it will make you sexier. So we are all more sexy than we thought we were this time last week. Have a great weekend!

Big Is Best

How does he do it? How does Tom appear throughout history and do everything? Well, the answer lies in the factual story of his childhood, where he made a wish and became older overnight. In this true tale about Tom, we all learnt that bigger is better than smaller. Big Tom got to play on huge keyboards, own a swish apartment and was allowed to stand out of the roof of a limo. You try doing that – within seconds you’ll be told the insurance doesn’t cover it. Because you aren’t as big as Tom was.

We all realised that ‘Big’ is the most important thing. Wagon Wheels expanded to an optimum size, McMeals could be supersized, and all the short people in the Harlem Globetrotters were fired. The human race really doesn’t appreciate the impact of Tom Hanks on the world – he’s made everything big. Well, if not big then at least bigger.

Does anybody care about a normal size house being built? No, but ask that person about some massive skyscraper and they’ll go ‘Oooh’, and ‘Wow’, and ‘I hope that’s not going to ruin my view, otherwise I’m complaining to the council’.

People adore the big stuff.

Mice? Pah, stupid squeaky things. Call me when there’s a capybara with clogs on, going clip-clippety-clop on the stair – then tell me how lucky you are, Ronnie Hilton.

Lions? Tigers? They’re just insignificant wild moggies. What you want is a liger; part lion, part tiger, all massive feline and ten times better than a tigon. It’s a vast 922lb beast – and fair warning of why the residents of Devon and Cornwall shouldn’t interbreed.

And anyway Devon and Cornwall, neither of you impress anyone. We’re all stoked with Russia being 17,098,242 square kilometres and China having 1.4 billion people. Those are big things. Big things are impressive.

Which is why we are prepared to be deeply impressed by Tesla as it sets about constructing the largest lithium-ion battery in the world. The only downside to this 129MWh lump is that it’s going to be at an Australian wind farm, and Australia has all but banned vaping.

If Tesla had the foresight to stick it in the States, with all the other massive roadside erections, somebody could have paired it with the biggest mod humanity had ever witnessed.

Maybe somebody will still have the decency to do that and make it useful. Who needs a better form of interrupted power supply management? No, ship it to Bovey in Devon, mate it to the biggest mod ever and get Tom Hanks to puff on it. Capybara and Wagon Wheel flavour. Something big.

A Better Tobacco Control Plan

The Department of Health said today: “We are at a pivotal point where an end is in sight and a smoke-free generation a realityâ€

The plan offers up much-welcomed prospects, applauded across the industry, by intimating that we will see them roll back the nonsensical restrictions on atomiser tank size and the strength/size of juice bottles. More than that, the launch of the document included advice to all employers and business owners that vaping is not included in the smoking ban. Moreover, it has been suggested that employers should encourage smokers and ex-smokers to vape in the workplace.

Mark Pawsey MP: “In particular I am pleased that Public Health England’s anti-smoking campaigns will now positively reference their vaping advice and that the government has committed to relook at relevant legislation as we exit the EU.â€

Will Hill, British American Tobacco: “It is right that the government will review the measures imposed by the EU following Brexit and recognises that they have not been effective in delivering what they set out in doing.â€

New Nicotine Alliance: “The government’s commitment to review the TRPR, with a view to altering those provisions which relate to e-cigarettes and the commitment to communicate accurate information about the relative risks of harm reduced products are, in particular, to be applauded.â€

Simon Clark, FOREST: “In the 21st-century tobacco control policies should focus on harm reduction products, not prohibition and other restrictive practices.â€

Duncan Selbie, Public Health England: “We are at a pivotal point where an end is in sight and a smoke-free generation a reality. But the final push, reaching the most vulnerable and disadvantaged, will undoubtedly be the hardest. Only by everyone pulling together can we hope to end the loss of life and suffering smoking has wreaked for far too long. Public Health England will do everything possible to make this happen.â€

Deborah Arnott, ASH UK: “Funding must be found if the government is to achieve its vision of a ‘smokefree generation’.â€

Sharon Hodgson, MP: “Whilst the plan sets out a bold approach to creating a smoke-free society, what it fails to do is recognise the deep cuts being inflicted upon local councils who are seeing their public health budgets slashed.â€

The nonsense that has seen storeowners have to slash prices on liquids and equipment, to throwaway levels, caused emotional and financial pain that will never be reversed. But moving forward, reversing the more idiotic aspects of the Tobacco Products Directive is something to be welcomed as it allows consumer choice once again, and will work better for smokers looking to switch to vaping. It’s taken a long time to get here, but we warmly welcome the new tobacco control plan.


Surströmming. What is it? Where does it come from? Can a doctor clear it up if it’s caught early enough? The answer is that we don’t know. Well, we know it’s herring, but shortly after you appreciate this fact everything becomes a huge bucketload of “You what?!â€

For reasons only known to themselves, 16th Century Swedes took rotten Baltic sea herrings and fermented them for a minimum of six months until they got all bitter and incredibly stinky. Then they ate them. At least some of them did. Enough for the next generation of Swedes to give it a go too. And so on. Until the Internet was invented and the world discovered Surströmming – and also found out that almost all Swedes have never heard of it until they read the Internet.

But it’s hardly caviar or a juicy burger, what gives it an element of desirability? It could be the retch-inducing stench when the tin is opened, it could be the repulsive taste – but we reckon it’s because of the bans.

First off, European politicians (being European politicians) tried to ban the fearsome fishy feast because it is too high in polychlorinated biphenyl. We simply aren’t allowed to make our own choices, right? Anyway, Sweden won a special concession on the basis that they made a good argument or invented Vikings or something.

Then it was time for British Airways and Air France to led all of the airline companies in bringing in their own ban. They argued that the fermentation caused the tins to become pressurised – and therefore constituted little fishy bombs that could go off without any notice.

The Swedish Surströmming Academy cried out: “Oh for Cods hake!†They pointed out flights should ban champagne and French cheese as it posed as much risk.

But when things get banned people become interested in seeing it, touching it and trying it. The plane operators did more than the politicians could manage with a deft swish of a pen on a document: they made Surströmming interesting to the world. They made Surströmming a little bit sexy.

And so our government has launched its big plan to combat the remaining problem of stubborn smoking-related diseases in the UK. They see vaping as a major part of the solution, which is nice. But our message to them is simple: make vaping devices illegal and force liquid manufacturers to make juices smell bad, taste awful and come in sealed tins. Remaining smokers know all about ecigs, they are choosing not to use them – so give them a reason, make it exciting like Surströmming.

Vape Island

It should be pointed out that while no intelligent person would ever stoop to watch Love Island, it is permissible (in the name of research) to view an episode. That’s what I told my daughter, as she stood in the doorway pointing and laughing. Fine, everybody points and laughs at me, but that’s not the point.

Love Island is like TV’s vaping in that some people find it very pleasurable while others look on wondering why and how. But, again like vaping, if it doesn’t upset the animals or offend the vicar then people can carry on to their heart’s content.

Over two million people watch Love Island, TWO MILLION. You can’t get sniffy about those figures if you’re into marketing. An advertising slot in one of the breaks of this show will cost a fortune because of the public’s affection for swimsuits and suntans.

Do you know what the public don’t like? It’s not the getting drunk on television like they do every day on Big Brother. It’s not naked bodies and dimly lit sexual acts. And, surprisingly, it’s not the cockney accents on Eastenders. No, what the public really hates is smoking.

Everybody on Love Island smokes. Even the fish and trees smoke. Probably. They smoke so much that 200 fags a day are delivered to the little televised paradise. And those smokes are sparked up in front of the young and old sitting transfixed to their televisions.

Fewer complaints were received about full-on sex being televised than were sent regarding the blatant smoking going on. Depending on your point of view, this is either a sign of the public maturing or the end of the world.

But what does complaining ever achieve? I’ve complained about meals, the lack of cricket on terrestrial television, and the Xmas Number 1 every year – hasn’t changed a thing.

It took just 24 moans about puffing on fags to get ITV bosses to reconsider their approach to tobacco-related diseases, and they’ve decided to deliver vapes to the island paradise.

Without having to spend a single penny on advertising, electronic cigarettes are going to be placed front and centre on a show only eclipsed by the Antiques Roadshow and Countryfile. Two million people are going to see vaping as a safer solution to smoking disease and death. They are going to see ecigs as sexy. It’s probably the greatest victory in the harm reduction battle to date, and we applaud it. Well done, Love Island.


If you or somebody you know has been affected by any reference to Love Island, call the Stealthvape Love Island hotline on 0898-LOVEISLAND [Calls cost £17.23 per minute]


Maybe you are aware of the awesomeness that was the original Doom. Millions of otherwise healthy and sane adults were stuck to their PCs in the early 90s, as they battled with hordes of demons and seemingly endless waves of the undead.

And if you knew this, then you might also be aware that there was a reboot of the franchise in 2016. The games company Bethesda gave deadheads another dose of well-received goretastic mayhem. Even if you knew all of this already, did you also know there were some special satanic secrets?

One of the songs in the game is called Cyberdemon, and programmers cleverly hid the number 666 and a pentagram as images in the track’s frequencies – only visible using a spectrogram. It’s in the video below if you want to play it to the residents at a local old people’s home or for a primary school class assembly.

The hidden stuff in games is nothing new; product placement in video games has been going on for a while – from Pepsi Invaders in 1983 to Obama election campaign ads on billboards within multiple games. The thing is this, now researchers are experimenting with something similar in order to warn kids off vaping.

The University of Connecticut has received a grant of almost $400,000 (£308,000) from America’s National Institutes of Health to target game-playing teens with anti-smoking messages. Apparently, according to the beneficiary of this cash, postdoc psychologist Christopher Burrows, teens are more susceptible to these messages when playing games. So him and his mate Hart Blanton have created a first-person shooter and a car racing games as vehicles to carry public health messages.

“With surveys indicating that 97% of adolescents and 80% of young adults play video games for entertainment, use of entertainment video games as a tool for delivering graphic warnings has tremendous potential to influence youth cigarette and e-cig rates.â€

Did we say teens are more susceptible to accept messages? It sounds far better in the researchers’ words: “The project is needed to test the viability of ‘The Virtual Transportation Model of Health Communication,’ the theory that kids can be propagandised more easily when they are gaming.â€

The pair intends on inserting anti-vape ads into two pre-existing games, get kids to play them and then ask them how they feel about vaping. Doubtless, to prove they should have more cash, they will discover that young people respond well to such messages and they need to carry out more trials with more game formats.

And the fact that vaping is 95% safer than smoking will be lost on them all.

So, is vaping Doomed? Highly unlikely, although it may be time to go IDDQD on American anti-vape organisations.

newzoo image


“Dear Stealthvapeâ€, writes one reader. “I used to love vaping – until the TPD came. I’m 62 and have fading eyesight, I haven’t been able to locate my tiny tank for the last two weeks.†Shocking stuff, oh hang on, there’s a PS: “P.S. I’ve no idea how I read your article either.â€

We mentioned that every occurrence of “maximum†in the TPD II will be altered to “minimum†in our TPD III paper. So, 2ml tanks will now be the smallest you can buy and everybody will have to get used to buying super-sized bottles. True, it’s been pointed out that not everybody wants to be sub-ohming 20mg+, but we think vapers will get used to it in time.

“Dear Stealthvape,†writes another reader. “I’ve been reading your second article about the TPD and it makes a lot of sense. What I would suggest is that if we are going to have juice that’s seven times stronger that our usual liquids then all we need to do is spend seven times less time inhaling.â€

Wow! Sometimes you people amaze us, what genius. A solution that’s more elegant than a mathematical problem solved by Leonhard Euler. Reducing vaping times by a factor of seven could be a huge selling point to the public health community. It’s snappy, just the kind of thing that’s vital when conveying complex ideas to people too busy banking their pharmaceutical company cheques to be bothered doing proper research.

Another aspect of TPD II that fell short of the mark was that of public safety. It has become glaringly obvious that vapers need protecting – not from shoddy products but from the actions of stupid vapers. The market is suffering from the bad publicity caused by these stupid vapers who seem to be oblivious to how one should store juice or charge a battery. Also, stupid journalists who don’t know the difference between their gluteus maximus and their cubitus.

Take this tale, for example:

Laura White saw smoke coming out of her handbag. “Oh no,†she probably thought. “I wonder what could be causing that?â€

The answer, according to both Laura and Lindsey Hamilton (reporter for the Dundee Evening Telegraph), was that her “e-cigarette lighter†had exploded into flames for no reason at all. Go, go click on the link and marvel at “Laura White, manageress of Douglas Sports Club, with her handbag and the e-cigarette lighter.â€

“Only five weeks ago, it was in a suitcase in the hold of a plane as we flew off on holiday. I dread to think what would have happened if it had caught fire in the bag in the plane.â€

Consequently, the major change in TPD III will be a section that stipulates people like Laura have to pass an exam in Mod Ownership before being allowed to make any purchases – and they will have to complete an online quiz when attempting to buy plane tickets.

“Dear Stealthvape,†writes our final person. “I live in Dundee, and I agree with everything you’ve just said.â€

TPD III Part One

Just as an aside, can you imagine how depressing it was for a science teacher in 2011 to be told by a class that there’s no point to doing homework as the world was ending in 2012: “it’s in a film, sir� Sigh.

Everyone everywhere thought TPD2 was as terrible as TPD1 – except for a voting block dominated by one person, who told them when to raise their little bits of card. In all probability, she simply guessed when to do it as no one had a clue what was going on. Then they all went off to fill in their expense claim forms and go eat croissants.

There are various rules to films. Firstly, almost always, the science has to be wrong. As children, film directors were most probably sitting at the back of science classrooms pushing chewing gum into gas taps. This is why they make a point of annoying science teachers now in their day jobs. Secondly: Trilogies suck. Directors will make one decent film and lump it in with two bits of rubbish just to upset science teachers when they go to the cinema. Star Wars, The Godfather and The Matrix are all cases in point.

Anyway, looking outside today’s window: what is clear is that nothing is clear after the election. Losers are running about claiming they won, winners are sulking because they think they lost, and small woodland creatures are breathing a sigh of relief that a person on a horse might not be coming to bludgeon them to death with the root of a 2,000-yr old tree. Or something. They simply don’t know. Nor do we. The only thing running through Theresa May’s head now is a mental image of her running through some corn.

Therefore, it is quite clear something needs to happen, and we aren’t sure what: it could be a new general election, it could be everybody trying to get along and agree on things, it could be that imaginative people writing blogs come up with new policies. Yep, that’s it; we’ll go with the last one.

Does Brexit mean Brexit any longer? The categorical answer is ‘maybe’, especially if ‘maybe’ is said like a teenage girl would say it (with a rising inflexion turning every statement into a question). So, we propose, the TPD means TPD III, it’s going to be like (appropriately) The Empire Strikes Back; where TPD I was the one with teddy bears and TPD II can be the one with Jar Jar Binks.

We are only proposing small tweaks. For example, by changing the word “maximum†to “minimum†we suddenly get all of the decent tanks back in stores. The paper has been written; Stealthvape’s proposal for TPD III is on its way.


Farmer Eavis invited us because he said he wants a better world and, from what he could gather, our constant striving to bring you products that improve your life made us the number one inspirational choice.

We strode onto the ‘Almost As Good As The Main’ stage and were blown away by the crowds. Seriously, if you think the chanting for Corbyn was a bit unreal, you’ve heard nothing till you’ve heard a few fields slurring “Oh, St-eal-eal-eal-eal-thvape!â€

We know what hippies like, we know how to make stuff better. The Stealthvape helicopter dropped blessings of plasters for little boo boos, cups of rainbows for the slightly weepy, and free chainsaws for the bored children. What do you mean children can’t have chainsaws – don’t oppress the masses! We aren’t stupid, they’re kiddie chainsaws designed for little hands, built from lighter materials and tinier.

The crowds were there for Stealthvape, and Khruangbin, and Carter Sampson, and the Funktion One Experimental Soundfield. Not that you’d have known it from the Biased Broadcasting Corporation’s coverage. The coverage we never saw because, like we said, we were busy actually being there – like the pictures prove.

We were busy sharing outdoors toilets with popular Radio 1 DJs like Dave Lee Travis and Jonathan King. We were busy with Radiohead, catching a case of salmonella from a tempura tofu stall. We were busy at the First Aid hut, after displacing three vertebrae while camping.

We saw such wonders. We witnessed The Jimmy Krankie Sex Party Zone, The David Davis MP Talking To Yourself stage, and The Katie Hopkins Field of Toilet Sewage.

It’s totally true – we would never lie. Unlike the American Lung Association that has repeated its claims that vaping is as dangerous as smoking. If we didn’t know better, we would swear that we were busy all of the Glastonbury weekend and the American Lung Association went and took lots of psychedelic drugs. They are either massive liars or simply occupy a separate reality from the rest of us.

The Cochrane Review states that vaping is far safer than smoking. The Royal College of Physicians says that ecigs should be promoted widely as a substitute for smoking. Public Health England states that vaping is at least 95% safer than smoking.

You need to get your act together, American Lung Association. You need to stop lying, confusing current smokers and perpetuating a situation whereby they put off switching to something far, far safer.

Our lies are, at worst, a bit dull – your lies are killing people.