Tag Archives: juice

Choices, choices, choices

In fact, we’re seeing an unprecedented deluge of mods and atomisers from that part of the world with new models being announced on an almost weekly basis. And this is a problem. Well, to you this might not be a problem. To you problems might be what kind of curry to order tonight, whether to go with wine or beer and the fact that the postman still hasn’t delivered your vapemail.

In life I have three main problems: firstly, now the weather is nice I have the doors of the lounge open while I work. No problem there, you say. Now factor in the neighbours who shout a lot, have screaming children they swear at and possess the worst combined selection of music any person could have inflicted upon them. Odds are that you have or had neighbours like this or, if you are my neighbours, turn the damn tripe down.

My second problem is quite a challenging one – I own fourteen mods. No man or woman can possibly use all fourteen at once, not even in rotation. But the constant updates on websites make it impossible not to buy more. I’m currently waiting for my invoice from Mikro Engineering for my Challenger Mk.II – that’ll make it fifteen. To be honest, this isn’t the real problem…it’s what it leads to.

It creates problem number three. It is the one thing that vexes me most about vaping. I’ve got a toolbox; in the top compartments I store my charged batteries and my drip tips. On the wooden rack I built from part of my daughter’s ex-bed sit my range of attys. So the issue is that at any given moment I have to choose one from fourteen mods, one of three different battery sizes, one from fourteen attys, one from thirty drip tips and one from twenty four flavours.

That’s 423,360 possible combinations.

Four hundred and twenty-three thousand three hundred and sixty possible vape combinations! This ridiculous array of options for a man who struggles to decide whether to have a Jal Frezi or a Madras. When standing in the drinks aisle I can never decide between imported or home-brewed beer. This is the first time I’ve ever looked at this as a number, frankly I’m stunned.

But this problem doesn’t sit there, there’s the option of whether to go for Voodoowool, cotton, mesh, A1 Kanthal wire (which diameter?), ribbon (which width?), number of wraps, what resistance I think I might fancy and if to opt for single or dual wicks.

And then there are aesthetic considerations. For example, there is no way you could get away with a blue drip tip on a tarnished brass Kraken sitting proudly on a red aluminium Nemesis tube with a polished stainless switch & stealth cap and a polished brass lock ring. One minute you’re constructing a set-up to vape with, the next you’re looking at something as gaudy as a house covered in Xmas lights

I probably spend more time pondering whether or not the combination goes together than I do wicking and vaping the thing.

Life was so much easier when all I had was a Vamo and a Protank. I need a 21st Century Kepler to plan out a simple law of mod selection; either that, or a 21st Century Brahe to threaten to run me through with a sword if I don’t make my choice in 60 seconds flat.

I haven’t even touched upon the time spent online window-shopping.

Imperial High Command Legislation

Then there’s the online market research I’ve just completed. It was for the most nauseating toilet paper campaign imaginable. In fact don’t try to imagine it – I sat through it and it made me want to hurl the Mac against the wall. On the angry scale of 1 to Michael Gove it made me reach ‘being forced to watch a soap opera’.

I realise that people who work in advertising aren’t like us normal folks, I realise that they don’t understand us, but nothing had prepared me for that. The horror of something so banal it would make the One Show seem edgy.

Rob’s picture was of the new atomisers, the Clone atomisers. It’s cracking, not least because of the glorious self-deprecating logo emblazoned on the front. Irony is so undervalued. If a product has a unique angle it doesn’t need daft advertising.

And it got me thinking about ecigarette advertising.

We’re forever reading (well those of us stupid enough to click on the links) articles which claim the flavours of liquids are being designed to draw unsuspecting children into nicotine.

Who is this evil genius? Does Billy King sit there with the child catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, rubbing their hands together and producing a combined evil laugh at the thought of Monkey Jizz? Does Mark VaperCaper make his Cucumber Cooler as some dastardly plot, to take over the world, under the instruction of Pinky & The Brain? Has Baron Greenback conspired with Jim the Kraken to ensnare children with Squid Ink?

Clearly, the answer to all three scenarios is ‘Yes’…but that’s not the point. I’ve not seen one advert for those juices in any magazine aimed at teens. And I get them all. Neither have my kids reported spotting Mrs. Lord hanging around their school gates offering free samples of Marmalade juice. They don’t even like Marmalade.

The thing is I carried out some market research recently and 100% of the one adult I asked replied that they enjoy all four eliquids. The obvious correlation is that these flavours were engineered to hook me in to buying them and therefore need serious legislation putting in place. I need protecting from my personal tastes by an autonomous body, responsible to no one, to protect me from making decisions.

One only needs to point out that I am the person who (after quite a few beers on several Saturday nights) bought the following on eBay: an unseen motorbike, a narrow boat and a copy of Whispering Grass by Windsor Davies and Don Estelle.

Yes, I need protecting from myself.

I need protecting from buying enough drippers emblazoned with a Star Wars symbol to kit out an entire Clone Army.

I’m not alone.

There are the people who are addicted to the New Products page on FastTech. There are the people who visit SHMOvapes so often that their F5 button has a different hue to the rest of the keyboard. And what about the vast numbers of people who physically wet themselves at the news Vapist had stocked The Rose II?

Children make great choices in life. Give my kids an option and they’ll make popcorn and spend their days watching films or playing video games. Children don’t hanker for eliquid, kids don’t get into a frenzy when they run out of House Of Liquid’s Eden – that’s me, I do that.

The very last thing the E.U. needs to be doing is protecting children, what they need to do is help me. They need to help me to stop buying new mods and atomisers. Politicians should realise that it is not normal to have a box containing every diameter of Kanthal and silica and Voodoowool…(just in case).

And if politicians can’t go out of their way to recognise the real problem that needs addressing then someone else must.

Somebody must think of the adults!

Help me Obi Wan Toddy, you’re my only hope.


Cobbled together inbetween pressing F5 a lot by Dave Cross.