Tag Archives: Mechanical

Choices, choices, choices

In fact, we’re seeing an unprecedented deluge of mods and atomisers from that part of the world with new models being announced on an almost weekly basis. And this is a problem. Well, to you this might not be a problem. To you problems might be what kind of curry to order tonight, whether to go with wine or beer and the fact that the postman still hasn’t delivered your vapemail.

In life I have three main problems: firstly, now the weather is nice I have the doors of the lounge open while I work. No problem there, you say. Now factor in the neighbours who shout a lot, have screaming children they swear at and possess the worst combined selection of music any person could have inflicted upon them. Odds are that you have or had neighbours like this or, if you are my neighbours, turn the damn tripe down.

My second problem is quite a challenging one – I own fourteen mods. No man or woman can possibly use all fourteen at once, not even in rotation. But the constant updates on websites make it impossible not to buy more. I’m currently waiting for my invoice from Mikro Engineering for my Challenger Mk.II – that’ll make it fifteen. To be honest, this isn’t the real problem…it’s what it leads to.

It creates problem number three. It is the one thing that vexes me most about vaping. I’ve got a toolbox; in the top compartments I store my charged batteries and my drip tips. On the wooden rack I built from part of my daughter’s ex-bed sit my range of attys. So the issue is that at any given moment I have to choose one from fourteen mods, one of three different battery sizes, one from fourteen attys, one from thirty drip tips and one from twenty four flavours.

That’s 423,360 possible combinations.

Four hundred and twenty-three thousand three hundred and sixty possible vape combinations! This ridiculous array of options for a man who struggles to decide whether to have a Jal Frezi or a Madras. When standing in the drinks aisle I can never decide between imported or home-brewed beer. This is the first time I’ve ever looked at this as a number, frankly I’m stunned.

But this problem doesn’t sit there, there’s the option of whether to go for Voodoowool, cotton, mesh, A1 Kanthal wire (which diameter?), ribbon (which width?), number of wraps, what resistance I think I might fancy and if to opt for single or dual wicks.

And then there are aesthetic considerations. For example, there is no way you could get away with a blue drip tip on a tarnished brass Kraken sitting proudly on a red aluminium Nemesis tube with a polished stainless switch & stealth cap and a polished brass lock ring. One minute you’re constructing a set-up to vape with, the next you’re looking at something as gaudy as a house covered in Xmas lights

I probably spend more time pondering whether or not the combination goes together than I do wicking and vaping the thing.

Life was so much easier when all I had was a Vamo and a Protank. I need a 21st Century Kepler to plan out a simple law of mod selection; either that, or a 21st Century Brahe to threaten to run me through with a sword if I don’t make my choice in 60 seconds flat.

I haven’t even touched upon the time spent online window-shopping.

The F5 button

I’ve been vaping for 18 months now and have never had the inclination to enter into a competition of wits and bandwidth. Well, probably not a lack of inclination but rather a lack of money or knowledge anything requiring an F5 key was taking place.

This changed on the day I swapped a Panzer for a GP Paps 2.5 Lux.

You know the feeling you probably had as a kid when an Aunt, who always gave socks as presents or cards with the wrong age on, suddenly appears as though she was struck down by an incurable dose of wonderful? The present you were opening didn’t feel soft and you were racking your brain trying to invent a different plausible ‘thank you’ from the rehearsed “I really needed some new socks and these are brilliant – I love flowers, thank you Auntie!’

And you opened it. And it was truly awesome; like a robot with real lasers or a jetpack or something.

And you were speechless.

That was me.

I’d never seen a Paps before bar pictures and, to be frank, I wasn’t that impressed. Holding its 350 mightiness though, pushing the button, it was just one of those moments when you shout, “Yes!†as a whisper. Gold glinting from the battery adjustment screw may rank up there with Chav bling but it just works as a whole. A shiny whole where less is more, understated by virtue of the simplicity of the device and the quality imbued by attention to detail during manufacturing.

A new world opened up, curtains drawn from that aspect of vaping reserved for those who find the gaudy Pinoy engraving offensive to the eye. I got it, I really understood why a simple tube could hold a fascination.

With some savings in the bank I went hunting online for videos, reviews, anything related to Vapourart. Even languages I didn’t understand were fair game as long as I had music playing and a full pint next to me.

I’ll sing the virtues of a Mac computer everyday of the week but I was stumped. If I wanted to buy an X 1.5 Lux I had to be online this Tuesday, at 7pm prompt, and compete with the rest of the world after one from the limited stock going on sale.

It was easy to see what was missing when I lost out on the race for the affections of Caroline Phillips. My best mate had a motorbike. On the nights she told me she was going to stay in for a bath and some TV she was really grabbing onto his midriff. She was feeling the twist of the throttle pressing her back into the seat and making her hug on even tighter. With every peg-scraping corner her thoughts were driven by adrenaline and excitement – I could never compete by offering her a croggy on my 10-speed racing bicycle.

It was easy to see what was missing from my quest to net this Paps too – I have no F5 button.

How in the blue blazes of flip do you compete in an F5 war without an F5 button? Especially if your computer has a dodgy keypad, no mouse and massive cracks from where I’d hit it the night before with a Nemesis after tripping over one of the dogs.

No F5 button, no mouse, knackered screen, malfunctioning Magic Trackpad ™ and a pair of children. It’s at times like this you need special reserves of patience and to discover the hitherto unknown cmd-R Macbook function.

In the village we have broadband powered by a couple of field mice; when you have a daughter watching Netflix and a son using his Xbox (to kill pedestrians and prostitutes) it is slower than an old man driving on a motorway wearing driving gloves.

I’m not patient by nature.

At 7pm twenty-seven minutes of frustration, anger, more frustration, panic, even more frustration and some added fear ensued. I was all keyed up; this had gone from something I fancied buying to something I had to get. Why wasn’t this an episode of Star Trek? Why couldn’t I command someone to “Make it so�

What I got was the screen going blank, the account not being recognised, refreshing, creating a new account, the screen going blank, refreshing, the website not appearing, refreshing…it seemed as inexplicable and longer lasting than Hugh Grant’s acting career.

The adrenaline buzz at the end though, the rush when I got to the order accepted stage – I’ve experienced some highs in my time, this was up there. Utterly ridiculous, I know, that a grown man should get so intense and immersed in the process of buying a metal tube. But, hey, this one comes with a pouch.

I caught the gaze of pity combined with disappointment from across the room. The wife is still searching for my personal F5 button.

One’s too many, ten’s not enough!

With the growth of the Internet and the possibility to grab an answer from the ether I keep trying to find out where it originated. And I can’t. Transpose ten for a thousand and you have a logical answer in that it refers to drink…or any vice of your choosing.

It could quite easily be that they used ten in place of a thousand so that the syllables canned the line. I don’t know. What I do know is that it is a truism of vaping.

When I started I bought two CE4s and an Ego-style battery. My first mistake was not factoring in charging time and so I bought a second battery.

I’d not quit smoking, I’d achieved that seven years before, this was all about not taking up smoking again. For various reasons I was as close to a return as you can get – suddenly all of those triggers were clicking.

Whenever I parked the bike up and removed my helmet, whenever I’d finished a meal, whenever I’d got a beer…you know the things, you’ve been there. The notion of smoking was beginning to consume me. I thought getting a pipe might work as a controlled step so I spent around four weeks wandering about puffing on an empty pipe. All it did was increase the craving.

A friend introduced me to eCigs and I began my research. I was going to buy an ePipe but didn’t want to pay the prices being asked. The solution seemed to be a rubber pipe-like attachment to an Ego.

But the grip was now there; the quest for a better vape was on. Internet forums had to be the solution, someone would help me, and someone would suggest a bit of kit that would solve my problems.

So, I joined Planet of the Vapes and asked the question every noob asks. The wife, bless her, was fully supportive of anything that stopped me returning to smoking and as this advice was to be the solution she agreed to stump up and buy a Vamo with a pair of Evods and an Aga-T2.

But, like you all know, it never stops there. Not just ‘there’ but it never seems to stop, period.

From time to time she will look at me slightly oddly as I wave around something I’ve received in the post – that quizzical look you get from a dog when it hasn’t got the faintest idea what you are talking about but may involve food or a good walk.

I’ve got the mod rack trimmed down to ten smashing bits of kit and loudly proclaimed that, while waving around a copper Akuma, that this would be the very last mod I buy as I don’t need any more.

Which puts me in mind of another lyric:

“It seems so simple but they just don’t get it.

I meant what I said at the time that I said it.


And I did mean it.

I meant it as much as any vow taken or any promise made. But…

I’ve just ordered another one, it seems ten wasn’t enough. Giving up fags was easy compared to giving up buying different mods and atomisers.