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Either by luck or judgement I avoided consuming one of the many liquids stored under the sink as a child, but itâ€™s only time. Friday night is coming and the drinks shelf is empty, creative cocktail thinking is called for when needs must. Quite how I managed to stay alive this long, considering the filtering I did through traffic to get to my last job on my GSX1400, beggars belief.
The papers have a new candidate for a Darwin award every week as they plug their Ego battery into the mains using a charger made from a Blue Peter guidebook (using string, some baking foil and a roll of sticky-backed plastic) and then video themselves impersonating Fantastic 4â€™s Johnny Storm.
Youâ€™d like to think that someone who has a degree would be able to remember to turn the lock button on a mod when setting it down â€“ but Iâ€™m typing this very gingerly after leaving the Viggo firing the .4ohm Magma while making a coffee. Thereâ€™s nothing like grabbing hold of a mod that is approaching the same temperature as the core of the Sun. The body is programmed to automate a drop reflex in such situation. I have discovered that the brain operates an over-ride function when dealing with a valued mod.
Just last night I had sparks flying from the Atmomixani Dome after the positive screw had managed to drill itself through the insulating piece and short to the build deck. Going through my spares kit I had a replacement for everything on the atty except that one item; lucky for me my inability to self-organise stretches to throwing away bits and lo, in my vape kit, I found a suitable replacement.
Apart from the large dose of stupid I consumed for breakfast it would appear I also have magnetic properties. Out in public I attract nutters, my inbox is full of bizarre requests and every single lost piece of Kanthal has now been found. They can located in my left footâ€¦which, had that been the plot of the film of the same name, would have made far more enjoyable viewing; I would be played by Rutger Hauer.
Out of all the dangers I face by far the greatest is the temptation to hurl a genny at the wall. Even Bear Grills would crumble if he had to redo a coil and wick four times before it worked. I suspect the earthquake in Britain this week had something to do with a genny-related tantrum.
Of course, as so often the case, when we think of dangers we focus on the physical. Wild bears, zombie apocalypses and zombie wild bears consume most of my daily worries â€“ but it is the mental anguish which vapers will be most familiar with.
For weeks the children are denied access to food other than beans, forced to hang around Tesco waiting for empty boxes to plug the holes in their shoes and listen to my old LPs instead of downloading Now 251. For weeks they endure deprivation just so I can sit and repeatedly refresh my browser because the greatest atomiser known to mankind.
It is the mental torment that afflicts us because itâ€™s a pain no one can see. Well, no one who isnâ€™t looking through our French windows as the product goes out of stock before Firefox kicks back into life.
And what about the poor vapers who eventually give up waiting, break down and buy something different only to see the object of their dreams suddenly appear on a website but the money has been spent? What support mechanisms do we have in place for them? None, thatâ€™s how many.
The MRHA can go on all they want about efficacy of products but what I want to know is are they going to ensure that I can buy a Hellfire? Are they flip. I will keep clicking on the site in the knowledge that the day one is for sale I will be reduced to a wreck of my former self.
Once I couldnâ€™t decide which girl to go out with and so I made a list of pluses and minuses. By the time Iâ€™d finished the list the girl whoâ€™d won had decided sheâ€™d rather be going out with a bloke who owned a Lada â€“ a ten-speed bicycle canâ€™t compete when the stakes are that high.
I have a feeling that a similar situation will happen as I weigh up which mods will have to be sold on. But, on thinking about it, I could always just cut off my left foot and take it to a scrap metal merchant. Itâ€™s that or putting the wife on a corner and the last time that happened someone traded her for a used sofa.
All of this pales in comparison with the greatest mental danger that can afflict a discerning vaper; the choice of what atomiser to put on which mod.
If you are fortunate enough to live with one mod and one atty then you are in that blissful monogamistic state, you donâ€™t have to suffer the worry that the drip tip contrasts garishly with the top cap and that people will mock you as you vape in public.
Iâ€™ve developed a Mormon approach to device ownership and, like the notion of having more than one wife, it isnâ€™t as carefree as youâ€™d imagine. Just imagine having eight women telling you to put the toilet seat down and put your used pants in the wash basket, not on the floor.
All the mods, attys and drip tips demand attention. On my last visit to the doctor she asked me what I thought my major problems in life were. She was clearly not a vaper judging by the brevity of the appointment â€“ but at least I now have a clean bill of health. I probably spend as much time deciding on the mod/atty/tip combo that I do actually vaping the thing. Of course that’s actually a bad thing as it cuts down on having to recoil, injur myself and get more Kanthal jabbed into my flesh.
There ought to be a warning about vaping, someone should seriously get on that.
Thing is, and thereâ€™s a truism from football, that form is temporary and class is permanent.
Iâ€™m not a dedicated follower of fashion and resolutely refuse to accompany my daughter shopping. Sheâ€™s 13 and apparently clothes are important to 13yr-old girls. I know this because I stood with her for twenty-three minutes and nineteen seconds as she attempted to decide which top to buy. Once, never again, will I spend twenty-three minutes and nineteen seconds before leaving the store and go listen to the radio in the car.
Itâ€™s got to that stage at home where my teenagers mock me for my clothes but Iâ€™m OK with that, itâ€™s all part of my anti-fashion/anti-brand stance. My teen punk ethos bleeding into my middle age spread. Or so I thought.
As much as I refuse to countenance paying more than a tenner for a shirt or Â£20 on shoes I keep finding myself pulled out by the rip tide of vaping fashion into deep waters. One minute I was happy paddling with my Kayfun-lite, the next Iâ€™m sitting looking at a Dome wondering how on Earth it floated onto my desk. And then it struck me that I am my daughter; I spend far more time flitting from browser tab to browser tab comparing vape gear than she ever does with clothes. Iâ€™m not knocking the KFL, far from it. As someone who was using Evods and learning to swim in vaping circles I was given an almighty push in the back to flounder about with it.
The Kayfun, in its present iteration, is still the only silica atty I keep going back to again and again. Yes it dribbles a little bit from the fill hole even though Svoemesto have now put an o-ring there but it doesnâ€™t have the hit or miss quality of the Taifunâ€¦or the ridiculous size. I got a GT because everyone was going on about how they were better than Kayfuns and, being more sheeplike than the ones that cartoon wolf tried to steal (only to be pounded by the dog), I followed the crowd.
Now itâ€™ll sit here on the desk and be used once in a blue moon either because of its bulk or because the exact same wick and coil set-up will dry hit or leak. More than anything Iâ€™ve learnt that going with the pack only leads to frustration.
Itâ€™s not an easy thing to do if you are me and have my vast list of bad choices Iâ€™ve made. If I just reel off the unaided vehicle-based decisions Iâ€™ve made youâ€™ll get the picture:
A Vauxhall Victor estate â€“ 2 months, dead in the drive
A Polski Fiat â€“ 1 hour, died after one mile
A Moto Guzzi â€“ three days, shaft seized
A Leyland Princess â€“ one month, died on the A1
A second Moto Guzzi â€“ died while doing 80mph in the outside on the M6
A Volvo 440 â€“ died during test drive when I was selling it
Trust me, it goes on…
So, I was quite proud of myself that I gave the Aqua a wide berth. Especially when I looked at how fussy it was inside at a recent vapemeet. That was a real bullet-dodging moment for me. It ranks up there with the time I avoided being arrested with my mates, for driving around Northampton throwing lit bangers out of the window, on the way back from the pub.
It seemed a great idea at the time. Stupid.
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
This is the person who has lived through two major housing-price crashes and both times they came days after I bought a house. It wouldnâ€™t have been so bad had they been decent houses but I opted for quirky and unique. People donâ€™t buy quirky and unique. I should be kept away from money, decisions and cheap Chinese fireworks.
The second proper mech mod I bought fell into that quirky subset. I loved the design in the way a mother loves her hideously ugly baby. After two large price drops on the vendors website I couldnâ€™t give it away. Well thatâ€™s not true because I have just given it away, no one would have bought it.
When it came to mods there was one I resolutely stayed away from, I didnâ€™t buy a thing from Atmomixani because the world and her husband had one, real or clone. For months I resisted until my birthday loomed and the wife wanted to know if there was anything Iâ€™d like.
Figuring that I would never pay for a Nemesis I suggested it. What do you know? I made a decent call for once. But then you already know that because youâ€™ve probably got one. I guess when you make the volume of poor choices in life that I do then some of them will come good; itâ€™s like the roomful of monkeys with computers.
Iâ€™m doing myself a disservice. For a start Iâ€™ve never read a Dan Brown novel, watched Titanic, listened to One Direction or dialled to have a contestant evicted from a televised house/jungle. Not all my choices have been stupid.
The mods and attys I have now may not be anybody elseâ€™s cup of tea but what does that matter? The wick in my Pulse-G may look like a monstrosity but itâ€™s my disaster and it vapes brilliantly.
Living in the now and exploring is what makes vaping the journey it is because, like travelling, the wrong turn can often take you to the most interesting of destinations. Just donâ€™t follow my lead.
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